Beyond A Change of Name

He: We got married in 2010

From day one of the marriage, my wife's mother began to hound her not to change her surname to mine

She argued that her daughter was already established and well known as a journalist with a particular name, and changing that surname to mine was not a wise move to make

I agreed

I was not one of those who really wanted a woman to bear my name

Moreso, I was born with a surname which I changed by myself a year before I got married

My new surname carried very little weight, while her surname was already established through many generations

So I said I would prefer that she retain her maiden name

A year after we had this discussion, and we all agreed that both of us keeping our names was the best for her career and social standing, my wife began to push for a change of name to my surname

I was uncomfortable with it and asked why

She said some people in her office were gossiping about her and they said she did an arranged wedding and moved in with a man to cover her shame for getting pregnant outside of wedlock

That was why the man denied her the right to use his name

Nigerian Newsrooms are the hottest den of rumours and backbiting

I am a journalist, so I know this to be true

I told her such talks must be ignored at all costs

"You know whatever these people are saying is not true, so why change a logical direction in favour of pleasing rumor mongers?"

She then said they also mentioned that I was going about parading myself as a single man and sleeping with different ladies in the name of seeking a wife.

She said she went on Google to search for "Mrs (My Surname") and "The Wife of ("Using my name).

She said Google didn't bring her out as my wife, and Google also wrote that there is no record of me being married

So if a woman wants to sleep with me or wants to date me and she searches for my details on Google, she will see that I am unattached and be encouraged to pursue me.

She asked me why I have refused to wear a wedding ring since we got married, if I didn't have ulterior motives

To these points, all I could do was laugh.

I got married with a wedding ring, but the weekend after the wedding, I went to have a meal at Mr Biggs and had to take off the ring in their restroom because I didn't want water to wear out the gold coating on the ring.

It was not made of real gold and would fade quickly if exposed to water

Anyway, i forgot the ring in the bathroom and couldn't locate it again

From that day, I told myself the truth.

I was careless with such things, and I didn't want to keep investing in a ring that I might lose at any time.

To the point about the ladies, I cannot say in truth that I have not cheated on my wife since we got married.

Ironically, it is not because of the name change that I cheated

The ladies who slept with me knew I was married; some of them were her colleagues from the same office.

The conversation she overheard that riled her up was a conversation among IT girls who knew she was married, started sleeping with me, and was justifying it to her other IT colleagues in their newsroom

Changing her name would not stop it in any way

Of course, I didn't tell her this.

I told her I had always been faithful and that the change of name would be expensive, given that her maiden name was still on her international passport and she had to do newspaper publications and swear affidavits.

I saw no future in the marriage, and I knew at one point we would both go our separate ways

It would be easier and wiser for both of us to part ways if she retained her name and left without people having to notice that she changed from my name back to her father's name.

Now, I know being a religious person, you would have taken sides against me because I admitted to cheating on this woman.

That is understandable, but you didn't know the whole story, and I want to focus on the change of name issue.

So please reserve your judgment on that, sir.

In order for her to change her name on her international passport, she had to fly to Abuja

I told her not to do it because, in truth, it was not worth it, but she had made up her mind that when anybody googles my name, they must see "Married to So and so" behind it

This was the sole motivation behind all her investment in the change of name issue.

She wanted to keep her husband faithful by chasing away women who might be interested in him

She didn't see improving herself and her character as a way to achieve this

She didn't see her mother's unhealthy intrusion in our home at every turn as something to address

She didn't see her insecurity and abusive nature as something to address

She didn't see addressing her internal issues as a means for us to have a happy home.

It was always the outsiders that she saw as the enemy

The big bad foxes and wolves were the devil

An unhappy marriage will not become a happy one because you changed your name from your father's name to your husband's name

I mentioned all this to her by mail when she left the house for Abuja on the day she was supposed to fly there for the change of name

We had discussed it but I also wanted to document it.

Did her change of name stop me from finding joy and happiness outside the marriage?

The answer was a big no.

Someone here may say, "Why don't you just divorce her?"

I tried

She swore she would commit suicide if I mentioned divorce again

Do you know what happens to people who are not equipped to hold a position and were somehow given the power to hold that position?

She was willing to die to keep her married status, but unwilling to do all the work necessary for her to have a happy marriage

Her mother was practically running my home as well as hers

She spent an average of six hours on the phone with her mother every day, discussing all sorts of unhealthy things, especially about my family and me, without any awareness that what they were doing was wrong.

When I call her attention to it, she would say, "It was a private conversation with my mother; you have no right to eavesdrop".

I eventually ran away from the marriage one month after she did the change of name.

A TV station started operations in Abuja

I applied and got the job

I moved to Abuja

She couldn't move because her career was in Lagos

We worked out a way to spend some time together, but I knew that was my escape from that ungodly union, and I took it.

I have since remarried here in Abuja to my own wife.

The marriage is seven years old, and I have never cheated on this woman for one day

It turned out that I was not a chronic cheat by nature

My heart was just unsatisfied with being with the wrong woman

My wife and I have prospered together

She bears my name willingly, and I had no objections to it because I loved her and wanted her to be one with me in every way

I didn't force her to change her name

She did so even before we got legally married

She registered for her NIN with my name, did BVN with my name, and did so with joy

I am one of the few men who have tasted true love in this lifetime

I can say this anywhere

When the love isn't true, issues like a change of name etc. crops up annoyingly

When there is true love, those things become nonissues

-Isaac Ilevbare

Abuja, Nigeria