Difficult Marriage: Why Men Withdraw Emotionally

The other morning, I was sitting alone in my kitchen in total silence, drinking coffee and thinking about taking a solo trip to Tokyo in a few months.

For some odd reason I had the apartment completely to myself, which these days feels roughly equivalent to winning a small lottery. Very nice!

Twenty-some-odd stories below me, tourists wandered through Waikiki while boats rocked gently in the Ala Wai Boat Harbor and the blue Pacific stretched beyond the hotels toward the horizon.

I stared out the window at Waikiki Beach and thought about how ridiculously fortunate I am to live here. I must have won the lottery, and no one bothered to tell me!

Then another thought totally out of the blue occurred to me: somewhere along the way, I may have started emotionally withdrawing from my marriage. Not storming out, not packing a suitcase, and not dramatically declaring, “I’m finished!” while violins play in the background.

I am talking about something quieter than that. Almost un-discernable to the naked eye if one were looking for it. I mean slowly pulling back emotionally until the marriage has less and less control over how I feel every day.

And I suspect a lot of men, and I mean a lot, in difficult marriages eventually do exactly the same thing.

Why? Well… let’s count the ways.

1. We Get Tired of Having Everything Turn Into an Argument

There was a time when I would explain myself whenever my wife got angry about something, anything. I would clarify what happened, give my side, and attempt to use logic, facts, eyewitness testimony, satellite imagery and, if necessary, forensic reconstruction.

Eventually, over time, I realized this was frequently pointless!! When virtually any disagreement has the potential to become a full-blown argument, a man eventually starts conserving his emotional energy.

He stops explaining everything because he has learned that an innocent comment about the dishwasher can somehow end with an extensive review of his personality defects dating back to the Clinton administration.

So… I began choosing silence more often, not because I had nothing to say, but because I had already heard the sequel.

2. Constant Criticism Makes Emotional Intimacy Feel Unsafe

Most men do not talk about this much… but constant criticism changes you!! If your wife routinely tells you what you are doing wrong, how you should have done something differently, why you bought the wrong thing, parked incorrectly, folded a towel improperly, or apparently breathed with an irritating rhythm, eventually you become… guarded!

Very guarded!!

Nobody wants to open himself emotionally to someone who routinely makes him feel like a disappointing employee undergoing his quarterly performance review. Over time, I stopped sharing certain things simply because not everything needs to become a discussion.

Sometimes I have a thought, keep it to myself, and miraculously survive the evening without some form of conflict. This is what psychologists might call “emotional self-protection”, while I prefer to call it Tuesday.

3. Repeated Rejection Eventually Changes the Relationship

This is especially true in marriages where affection, physical intimacy, or even basic warmth have disappeared. A man can reach out only so many times before he gets the message.

If affection is repeatedly rejected, sex disappears, conversations become cold, and every attempt at closeness feels… unwelcome! And as to be expected eventually something inside him changes. He may still love his wife in some complicated way, but he stops expecting warmth from the marriage.

This is where my marriage resides. Unfortunately.

Expectations shrink, and then disappointment grows right along with them. I have discovered that “lowering my expectations” of my marriage is remarkably effective, although it is admittedly a terrible slogan for a Valentine’s Day card.

4. We Discover That Peace Can Exist Outside the Marriage

This has probably been one of the biggest revelations of my later years. I know… I’m not the sharpest tack in the box! But I realized that my marriage does not have to provide everything I need to enjoy my life.

Not at all!!

I can play tennis, exercise, walk around Waikiki, have coffee with friends, travel, spend time with my daughter, or sit quietly overlooking the ocean… all without my wife by my side. As a result, I can enjoy the fact that nobody is currently upset with me because I purchased the wrong brand of paper towels.

Once a man develops a fulfilling life outside his marriage, something interesting happens: the marriage loses some of its power over his emotional state!! If my wife is having a miserable day, I do not necessarily have to join her.

Nope!

That may sound obvious, but it took me approximately six decades to figure this stuff out. Apparently, wisdom arrives eventually, although with me it seems to travel by cargo ship.

5. We Realize We Cannot Fix Another Adult

And of course this may be the most important lesson I have learned. For years, many husbands keep thinking there must be some magical combination of patience, communication, kindness, and strategic household chores that will suddenly transform the marriage.

There isn’t!!

We men think, “If I just handle this better, maybe things will improve.” Maybe they will, but eventually you discover something profoundly inconvenient: you cannot change or “better the attitude” of another person!

I can control what I say, where I go, who I spend time with, whether I exercise, whether I become bitter, and whether I allow another person’s mood to dictate my entire day. I cannot manufacture somebody else’s happiness, and that particular factory closed years ago. Years!

6. Sometimes Emotional Withdrawal Is How We Stay

This is the part outsiders often misunderstand. People love saying, “Why don’t you just get divorced?” as if divorce were basically the emotional equivalent of changing cable companies.

That sounds wonderfully simple when you are 32 years old with two IKEA chairs, a Labrador, and $400 in a checking account.

Divorce at 55, 60, or 65 can look very, very different!! Shockingly different!

There may be decades of accumulated assets, retirement savings, spousal support (paid by the man!), and the uncomfortable reality that one household may suddenly become two expensive households.

For some older men, like myself, divorce could dramatically alter the retirement they spent decades building. I know of three men who’s “standard of living” was considerably downgraded while they provided a nice standard of living for the toxic ex-wife who was difficult to live with!

So instead of leaving physically, some men just retreat emotionally! They choose not to be financially ruined when the divorce is finalized!! They stop fighting every battle, stop looking to the marriage for happiness, and start building friendships and interests that exist independently of their spouse’s mood and toxicity.

I have done some of this myself, and strangely enough, my life has become more peaceful… less stressful. Sometimes emotional distance is not about revenge or bitterness; it is about no longer allowing constant conflict to occupy every available room in your head.

Emotional Withdrawal Isn’t Always the End

That is why I think Reasons Why Men Withdraw Emotionally From Difficult Marriages is really a discussion about adaptation.

Sometimes emotional withdrawal is unhealthy avoidance, especially if a man becomes so detached that he turns bitter, isolated, or completely numb.

But I think sometimes pulling back is simply recognizing reality and accepting what the marriage has repeatedly shown itself to be. I no longer expect my marriage to become something radically different just because I want it to.

Instead, I concentrate on building a good life anyway. A damn good life! That means fitness, friends, tennis, my daughter, my health, and perhaps that solo trip to Tokyo I was dreaming about while staring across Waikiki.

My marriage may be an important part of my life, but it does not have to become my entire life. That distinction has probably saved me more frustration than any marriage book I have ever read.

So here is my question for you:

Have you started emotionally withdrawing from your own difficult marriage?

Maybe you talk less, argue less, share fewer dreams, stop seeking approval, or stop expecting your wife to provide the companionship you once hoped marriage would bring.

If so, like me, ask yourself something deeper:

Are you withdrawing because you have given up on life, or are you creating enough emotional distance to finally start living one again?

Those are two very different things, and only you can decide which one is happening in your own life.

If you are staying married, perhaps the real challenge is not figuring out how to escape your marriage. Maybe it is figuring out how to build a peaceful, interesting, and meaningful life while you are still in it.

That’s what I am doing. And it’s working well for me!