Finding Peace

A Christian brother found himself in a very toxic marriage.

He went to his mother to complain about his wife and all the shades of hell he was passing through in the marriage

His mother listened to him silently until he was done

She then told him to return home and keep the peace at all costs until she visits him and his wife in a few weeks.

He went home and kept the peace as his mother instructed

He refused to engage his wife in any form of provocative endeavor

His wife found it strange that her husband was not returning aggression for aggression

They had both honed their aggressive skills in order to survive in their toxic marriage, and his sudden switch to "Man of Peace" was alien to her

She tried everything to provoke him

He resisted every bait

She didn't know how to be with a man who simply ignores or completely disregards her "pepperish nature"

It took all of two weeks for her to ask her husband for a discussion

She needed to know what was wrong

His silence was freaking her out

Her husband told her he had always wanted a peaceful and godly life, and had always lived a peaceful and godly life until he met her

He said he realised she has a restless spirit and was constantly spoiling for a fight with everybody

The neighbours, church members, colleagues at work (she had been suspended twice without pay for fighting with two of her colleagues at the office in the last year, and would have been sacked but for the intervention of her mentor and godfather, who got her the job)

Her husband said he began matching her energy so that he would not be consumed by her aggressive nature

Instructions given to her peacefully were often met with strong resistance

Questions posed to her with the expectation of a simple answer are often replied to with sarcasm or insults

He said he got tired of it and began giving it back to her because he, too, was capable of aggression when it was needed.

He said he, however, noticed that it was changing him.

Whenever he had minor disagreements with other people, he would escalate issues quickly and unnecessarily

He reminded her that she used to tell him he was too "quiet", too passive, too peaceful, too enduring, too docile, too accepting, and too allowing things to slide for the sake of peace  in the first year of their marriage

She wanted him to be an attack dog, to give no quarter, to be a warrior like she is

He said his reputation as the reasonable one, which he had built for years before he met her, was thrown out of the window within a year of their marriage

People now know that he wouldn't take rubbish and would go to war at the slightest provocation.

It was draining and exhausting

He was tired of it.

His wife replied with her tone rising aggressively, "So you are calling me a bad wife, a troublemaker, a cantankerous woman, a narcissist, and a gaslighter. You sit there and label me right in my presence as a mad person who only causes chaos and disorder. You saw me this way before you married me.

I will not be insulted and called uncultured by a man who was everybody's doormat until I came into his life.

Was I not the one who successfully helped you chase away all your family members who used to come here every weekend, begging for money and draining your resources? Did you not thank me for it?

Suddenly, now I am the evil woman.

That is how you men behave. You have a hidden motive, you have a destination in mind, you are plotting something, and you are looking for an excuse to execute your plan.

Don't gaslight me so that you can feel good about the evil you want to do.

Like Jesus told Judas, What you have to do, please do quickly so that I can move on with my life. Rubbish"

When she was done, she stormed out of the room and slammed the door.

Her husband sighed, turned to his pillow, and slept.

He knew she would remain agitated all night, and he was resolved not to engage her whenever she was in that state anymore

She didn't know how else to relate to people.

Even the ones she was meeting for the first time.

It was always war.

"He didn't greet me properly." Was her remark when she met his boss

"She was looking at me with disdain." Was her remark when she met the gynaecologist for the first time

"Her outfit was too crass." Was her remark when she met his cousin

"He is a snob," Was her remark when she met his best friend

"She is proud." Was her remark when she met the pastor's wife

He could remember wondering how any woman could be so negative towards everything and everyone.

He could also remember wondering how, of all the men in the world, he was the one who had to marry her.

His wife slept on the couch that night.

Usually, he would have waited an hour or two until she calmed down before going to apologise to her in order to bring her back to their bed, but on this occasion, he didn't go after her.

He didn't see the need to.

His mother arrived at their house very early the next morning

Since his wife was the one in the sitting room, she was the one who heard his mother's voice and knock on the door.

She refused to leave the couch

She also didn't pretend to be asleep

She sat there and refused to move until his mother walked around the house to knock on his bedroom window.

He woke up, ran to the door, and was shocked to see his wife seated with her arms across her chest, puffed up like a volcano waiting to erupt.

Usually, he would not allow his mother in when his wife was in such a mood

He would stylishly step outside to talk to his mother while making an excuse like "My wife has a migraine and any sort of noise would disturb her. Can we take a drive or talk quickly in the compound?"

But he was tired of protecting her and covering up her combustible nature

He felt it was better if his mother saw the practical side of the conversation he had had with her several weeks before.

His mother came in and greeted his wife.

His wife hissed and rolled her eyes

His mother asked what was wrong

He kept quiet

His wife kept quiet

His mother read the room and said to her son, "Excuse us, let me have a discussion with my wife."

His wife roared with laughter and said, "Who do you people think you want to put in the middle? Me??

You must be joking.

Your son called you to come here and play good cop, bad cop with me, and you came.

Did he not tell you that I was not from a foolish lineage?

When you are done, both of you will bring out what you have planned so that everybody will know where they belong in this house"

When she was done, she sashayed into the room.

Her husband looked at his mother

His mother also looked at him

The next step to take would have been to call his wife's parents and report their daughter for disrespecting his mother, but he dared not do that.

His wife's mother is not pepper, she is teargas.

He had been privileged to go to the police station to bail out his wife's mother before.

She fought with a neighbour and blinded her in one eye.

He and his wife paid the hospital bill of the victim and the compensation the victim's family demanded so that the case would not be charged to the court.

It was a rabid dog situation

If you pity the dog, it will bite, and whoever it bites will die of rabies

If you kill the dog, people will accuse you of killing man's best friend.

His mother asked him if there had been any physical abuse in the marriage

He told her his wife had charged at him with a knife once, and that there was another time when they were driving to church, and she aggressively tried to take over the steering wheel in anger because he said something that infuriated her.

His mother told him to dress up and go to his office.

After he left, his mother went to the motor garage and rented a huge truck

She also got six strong men

She took them to the house and told them to pack everything belonging to her son into the truck

The wife was in the room when they started packing

She heard movement in the sitting room, opened her door, and saw what was going on

She could have tried to talk to her mother-in-law, call the church pastor, the neighbours, anybody to intervene, or she could have gone on her knees and begged her to give her a second chance to do better.

She stood and started telling the movers the things that belonged to her so that they would not make the mistake of taking her things along with those of her husband.

By 2 pm, they were done

She went back to her room as her mother-in-law led the truck to an unknown destination.

When her husband closed from the office that day, his mother was waiting for him

She took him to a new apartment she had secured for him

She said, "You didn't divorce that woman; I divorced her for you in order to preserve your life."

A week after their last fight, his wife reached out.

She wanted to talk

She wanted them to find a resolution

She wanted them to discuss as adults and see if things could be salvaged

He didn't respond to her calls and messages

She reached out to his colleagues at work and his friends, but they all ignored her

Their church pastor tried to make a case for her, but it fell on deaf ears

Where the tree had fallen, let it lie there said Solomon.

The marriage lasted three years; fortunately, they didn't have any children.

PS: You can choose not to be like your mother or your father

You can choose not to be aggressive

You can choose not to be a troublemaker

As much as it is within your power, be at peace with all men, says the Scriptures

Check these impulses

Check the toxicity

Put your bulldogness in check

The husbands of troublesome women often live on rooftops far away from their wives

The wives of troublesome men often raise the children alone for the sake of peace

People are not the problem; you are

Nobody is out to get you.

Choose to live a life of peace

This is a special love note to two of my daughters, Yedidiah and Roila

A father must try his best to raise marriage-worthy daughters

I am trying to, please let my efforts not be in vain.

-GSW-