The Unspoken Daily Reality Of Many Women

At 22, it dawned on me that I had lived my life, up until then, with a very inaccurate perspective about what women must endure on a day-to-day basis.

I remember being in a parking structure with my girlfriend at the time and seeing her “key grip” (where she places her keys between her fingers, like a pair of knuckles) as we approached her car.

I asked, “What’s up with that?”

She looked at me as if I had asked, “Why is water wet?” and she shocked me by saying, “You really don’t know?”

That conversation has reshaped how I view almost everything and has changed how I approach women.

In the years following that conversation, I have made an effort to listen to, observe, and learn about how women differ from men.

The picture that has emerged is one that shows the differences between the experiences of women and the experiences of men go far beyond such common experiences as menstruation and the incidence of sexual harassment; the differences exist at every level of women’s lives through thousands of everyday considerations that are made on an ongoing basis and are virtually invisible to the vast majority of men.

Constant Calculations and Conscious Mental Conditioning Regarding Personal Safety

1. The “Key Grip” That Turns an Object into a Weapon

There are probably as many ways of walking to a vehicle at night as there are women in the world, but one thing will always remain the same: all women will have a strategy or system for safely walking to a parked vehicle at night.

Before leaving their place of work or building, women will always have their keys in their hands, will have their “key grip” in place (where they will hold the key in the palm of one hand, with their index, middle, and ring finger around the key and their thumb on top), will almost always have at least one part of their body free to hear any approaching footsteps, and will have their heads constantly scanning for any signs of movement.

This is not an act of paranoia; it is a habit that has been instilled in women since they were children or young adults.

2. The Constant Threat Assessment That Runs in the Background

A woman is often aware of her surroundings in a way that is not immediately obvious to men.

In addition to being conscious of how her surroundings may appear to them, she is also constantly evaluating possible threats to her physical well-being.

For example, when I went out on a date with my girlfriend, every single time we left a restaurant after dark, I could see her shift into a “what if” mindset as soon as we stepped outside.

I never realised that she was even doing it, much less that she was doing it without any awareness of what she was doing.

Men and women experience public areas differently from one another.

As a man, I have spent my entire life walking through parking lots, streets, and alleyways without once calculating whether or not someone could easily throw me to the ground from behind.

I never thought about what could be behind a line of bushes.

I never looked up to see if someone was on the roof, and I never wondered who was behind me.

A woman, however, does all of these things.

She does not think about it consciously as fear; she thinks about it in the background.

3. The Split-Second Elevator Decision

A woman has to make a split-second decision regarding whether she should get on an elevator with a particular man.

For a man to get on an elevator with a woman, he does not have to make these calculations; he just gets on.

He does not evaluate body language, clothing, eye contact, or the fact that another person has also been waiting for an elevator for the same amount of time.

He simply gets on.

4. What It Means to Never Walk Through a Dark Alley

One example of how differently men and women perceive their environments and how they go about their daily lives is illustrated by the experience of one woman I spoke with.

She had mentioned how she had been talking about how her husband had suggested they take a shortcut through an alley at night.

Her initial response was, “Are you out of your mind?

That looks like it’s going to be the perfect place for me to die.”

Then she realised that he had probably never had the need to even think about that before.

He had never once in his life looked at a dark alley and wondered whether or not he would be raped or killed.

She called it the loneliest discovery.

Not only was he not being careless, but he literally could not fathom why she might hesitate.

5. The Bathroom Door That Someone Tried to Get Into

Men who use public restrooms generally do not lock the bathroom door as much as women do when they are in a public restroom.

A man who is in a public stall would never actually be on the edge of his seat waiting for a stranger to try to force the bathroom door open.

This is an experience that many women have had.

A friend is a good example of this.

She was at a bar and was talking with a man at the counter and, when she went into the bathroom, he tried to force the door open while she was in there.

He took her chatting with him as an invitation.

She still thinks about the awful feeling she got while holding the door closed and wondering how she would have reacted if the door lock wasn’t strong enough.

6. I Never Thought to Check Behind Me for Someone in My Car

Women check the backseat of their car before getting inside their cars.

Most men do not think to do this.

Most men would never think that someone would be hiding in their backseat.

When I checked my backseat once after my girlfriend reminded me to, I realised that I had never once thought about doing that.

She had been doing that for several years without even realising she had been doing that.

The Anatomy of Being Uncomfortable

7. The Phrase You Don’t Want to Hear at Eighteen

“I was restocking shelves kneeling when a man walked by and said to me, ‘While you’re down there…’”

This is the kind of story every woman I know can tell.

This isn’t the worst; it’s just Tuesday for them.

Over time, these little bits stack up and create a persistent level of discomfort that men just cannot seem to understand.

8. The Unforgettable Childhood Memory

Being catcalled as a twelve-year-old.

A man told a young girl he would “give your kitty a hickey.”

She ran home and asked her father what that meant, thinking her Dad was angry with her.

Men do not understand that by saying things like this to young girls, they are creating memories that will last forever.

They think they are telling a joke or complimenting them.

9. Removing an IUD Without Anaesthesia

I had no idea what an IUD was until I was in my mid-twenties and did not realise it required threading a small device through the cervix.

Many women have pain levels that equal labour contractions when the IUD is inserted.

I also had no idea that some women’s IUDs would dislodge, embed themselves into tissue, or break apart during removal.

One woman I know had to undergo surgery after her IUD burst through the pelvis.

Another woman’s IUD disintegrated while doctors attempted to remove it; she had pieces of it extracted with forceps while she was awake.

They did not provide an anaesthesia option because the belief was that it was not necessary, due to the belief that “the female reproductive system doesn’t need it.”

I never even heard of this happening.

No one told me.

10. The Wire Stabbing You in Your Ribs All Day Long

Men look at bras as clothing items, while women see them as obligations.

They have the underwires that are poking through the fabric and stabbing the ribcage all day long, the heat, the sweating, the straps digging into their shoulders, the extreme need to get away from that bra the moment they walk through their doors at home.

One woman said it best: “Sending the ladies to bra jail daily sucks.

The only thing I actually miss about bras is letting them out of jail at the end of the day.”

Some women do not want to wear a bra because they feel they can’t because of harassment.

Other women physically need a bra because their breasts are heavy, causing back pain.

Either way, bras are never just clothing.

11. Synthetic Bras in a Warming World

Women are hot all summer because the synthetic material used for bras is designed to be non-breathable.

Women feel hot and overheated during the summer months because their bras are not designed to allow them to exist comfortably in actual summer weather.

Men complain about being hot while wearing cotton boxers that allow their bodies to breathe.

Women end up sweating through multiple layers of material that are chosen based on how they look, not based on how they feel.

12. The Door Designed for a Different Body

Women aren’t universally weaker than men; however, the reality is that most doors are not created with the average female’s strength in mind, regardless of location, i.e., office buildings, hotels, airports, apartment buildings, etc.

My girlfriend had a painful time getting inside her workplace because, although she isn’t physically weak, the door was made with a larger individual in mind.

To open the door, she would need to use her entire body weight to push the door open.

13. The Seatbelt That Could Break Your Neck

Another facet of traditional car design that likely negatively impacts women is the way the seatbelt is designed.

Regardless of safety, the average seatbelt fits the average male body.

Women, who tend to be shorter in height than men, end up with the shoulder strap of the seatbelt crossing their necks, which puts them at risk for injury.

My girlfriend gets behind the wheel of her car with the constant awareness that, should she ever become involved in an accident, the seatbelt that is intended to save her life may potentially break her neck.

This is something she thinks about every time she gets into her car.

14. The Headrest Hitting the Top of Your Head

The design of vehicles creates barriers that make it difficult for women to drive comfortably.

My assumptions have changed.

Cars are not built to be adjustable for everyone.

Women who are five feet tall often find themselves forced to sit dangerously close to the steering wheel to reach the pedals, and, since their heads hit the top of the headrest, they cannot see over the steering column without straining.

The car is designed to be a neutral piece of technology; however, the way it was built favours individuals who are much larger and have longer limbs.

This is not just an issue for some women; millions of women are forced to adjust their bodies to fit into this object that should fit them.

15. The Dumbbell Too Thick for Your Hand

Finally, dumbbells are designed for men, not women.

The diameter of a dumbbell is large enough to provide grip support for male hands.

Women find it hard to get the equipment that fits them.

Women are not able to use the same equipment as men because of an issue with design issues; not strength, but an issue of geometric design.

I don’t know how many times I have had to pay for a gym membership due to being unable to use the equipment properly, as it was designed for men.

16. The Pocket That Holds Nothing

Women have had to purchase purses or bags to carry their essentials because of the way that clothing is designed.

Women’s clothing has much smaller pockets compared to men’s, so they cannot carry things like cellphones, wallets, and keys without a purse.

Women’s clothing is designed to make them need purses.

What It Means to Never Be Fully Believed

17. The Good Idea That Only Got Heard When a Man Said It

When a woman has a suggestion for an idea, it usually goes unheard in the meeting until a man offers the same idea, and then he gets praised.

Women have had this experience a lot.

I have seen this for myself many times.

I have also seen women be the ones who have offered ideas and then not get recognition for those ideas until a man offers the same idea.

I nod, consider, and then a male colleague will say almost the same thing, and I will instantly believe him.

The bias is unconscious, so that makes it more frightening.

18. The Contractor Who Got Approval from the Boyfriend

Women must provide evidence for everything much more than men.

Women must provide evidence of their expertise, competency, and credibility.

Men are presumed competent until they are proven incompetent.

Women must be verified as having expertise, competency, and credibility.

This occurs as much in the workplace as it does at the mechanic’s shop, at the doctor’s office, and during normal conversations.

One woman I know has a great deal of difficulty getting contractors to speak with her when it was she who arranged the quotes and was the one paying the contractors with her boyfriend for repairs.

The contractors asked the boyfriend questions directly in front of her instead of asking the woman what she required.

19. “To Be a Woman Is to Be in Pain”

An OBGYN told a woman this when she came to see him regarding pain she experienced.

He gave her no testing, followed up with her, and ultimately offered a philosophical comment regarding life as a female.

The woman did not return, but she still suffers from the pain.

20. The Apology You Never Had to Give

Women are socialised to apologise for taking up space.

They apologise for asking questions.

They apologise for needing assistance.

Women apologise for expressing opinions that may cause someone discomfort.

Men do not apologise for any of these things.

Men will confidently hold an incorrect opinion.

Women often hesitate to speak up for themselves even when they are correct.

This is not a biological difference, but rather a learned behaviour resulting from repeated messages throughout their lives that they have been too emotional, aggressive or too demanding.

21. “You Should Smile More”

Strangers make unsolicited comments about women smiling more.

Strangers also make unsolicited comments about women being too serious and ask them to lighten up.

Women are expected to be pleasant to those around them.

Women are told that their facial expressions indicate to others how pleasant they are, and they can expect to get unsolicited comments on their facial expressions.

The same does not happen to men; men never receive unsolicited advice to smile more from a stranger.

Additionally, men are not treated as more approachable when they appear happy.

Thus, the pressure to be pleasant is ever-present and exhausting for women.

22. The Difference in How Women Raise Their Voices

When women have reasonable feelings of frustration or assertiveness, they are considered “emotional” or “hysterical.”

When a man expresses the same feelings, the man is seen as “passionate” or “commanding.”

I have seen male coworkers raise their voices at work and continue to be thought of as leaders; I have seen female coworkers raise their voices once and be labelled “difficult.”

The same behaviour will be interpreted differently depending on the sex of the person raising his or her voice.

23. The Client Who Asked to Speak to Someone More Senior

Men are automatically assumed to be credible.

Women must prove their credibility.

Women must demonstrate their knowledge and expertise to prove their credibility.

This happens throughout a woman’s lifetime.

For example, the boss who questions a woman’s math but never questions a man’s.

A client who requests to speak to a more senior person, and a doctor who dismisses pain as stress until validated by a male patient.

24. The Home Purchaser

A woman can be the primary wage earner, the title holder of the home, the one who provided the down payment, the one who scheduled the closing on the purchase, the person who made the arrangements to purchase the house, and yet the contractors use the male partner’s name as the decision maker.

One friend of mine purchased her own home prior to meeting her husband, rented it out once they had moved in together, and yet the painters would ask her husband questions even though it was she who had paid for their services.

She had owned a home for several years prior to him moving in to live with her.

Experiencing Existence Through a Woman’s Body

25. The Cycle That Never Stops Changing

A woman’s monthly menstrual cycle consists of four different phases, with the one-week menstrual period being just one of the four phases of the menstrual cycle.

The four phases of the female cycle dictate energy levels, mood, appetite, libido, pain sensitivity, and emotional regulation through a woman’s monthly cycle, and as such, women will always be in one of these four phases of the female cycle.

The first phase is known as the follicular phase; the second phase is known as ovulation; the third phase is known as the luteal phase; and the fourth phase is known as menstruation.

Each phase will create an array of symptoms and concerns for a woman.

The week of menstruation is just the tip of the iceberg relative to the rest of the month; it is when she will need to adjust to the differences created by the other three phases of the cycle.

26. Suicidal Thoughts That Cycle with Your Monthly Period

For many women, as their menstrual cycle progresses, they may also experience a severe depressive episode that includes suicidal thoughts or ideation.

This is a much different experience than experiencing depression in a generalised sense.

These women know it is temporary.

They know it will pass.

They still have to live through it.

Men don’t experience anything like this.

We never have to prepare ourselves for a monthly wave of despair that arrives on a schedule.

27. The Birth Control Band-Aid

The standard medical response to any reproductive issue is birth control.

Irregular cycles?

Birth control.

Painful periods?

Birth control.

Hormonal acne?

Birth control.

Mood swings?

Birth control.

Nobody asks why the system is malfunctioning.

They just suppress the output and send the woman on her way.

It would be like having a check engine light turn on and having a mechanic cut the wire so you stop seeing it.

The problem is still there.

It just isn’t generating a warning anymore.

28. The History of Medicine That Forgot Women Existed

Medical research has historically excluded women from clinical trials.

Drug dosages are often calibrated for male bodies.

Symptoms of heart attacks present differently in women and are less recognised.

Women are consistently diagnosed later than men for conditions when the condition is perceived as more common in women.

Chronic pain in women is more likely to be dismissed as psychological.

These are not individual failures.

They are systemic problems embedded in how medicine has operated for decades.

29. The Period That Stopped and the Doctor Who Shrugged

A woman I know had her period completely stop for an entire month.

When this happened, she consulted with a doctor who shuffled through her computer records and shrugged it off.

This is an example of a medical professional seeing a problem but doing nothing about it.

After her doctor’s appointment with the endocrinologist, the doctor asked whether she was planning on becoming pregnant, and she replied no, so he said, “Okay.

You’re done here,” and discharged her without doing any type of investigation or expressing any interest in why her hormonal system ceased to function.

To him, being a female with no intent on reproducing was more than sufficient.

30. The Fact That Should Leave You Feeling Absolutely Terrified

According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), approximately one out of three females throughout the world have suffered some form of physical or sexual violence from a partner or non-partner during their lifetime.

In many cultures, these statistics are even higher.

Until I began listening to the shared experiences of numerous females in my life, I did not realise that the vast majority have had “their own personal” story about having been victimised.

These stories cover a wide range of violations, from sexual harassment to sexual assault, and begin quite early, with most stories occurring before reaching the age of sixteen.

31. The Reality of Being a Smaller Person

The average female must realise daily that most likely a bigger man (the average male) will have the ability to physically overpower her.

This is not a thought that evokes paranoia; rather, it is simply an accurate statement regarding the physical makeup of the human body.

Conversely, most males do not walk the earth with the knowledge or awareness that a very small percentage of the population has the potential to exert physical force against them or compel them to engage in activities that they do not wish to participate in against their will.

Although most females do realise this fact, they do so every moment of their lives, while for a great many, this awareness goes largely unnoticed.

There are many ways that men influence women in their appearance, the way they stride and how they react to unfamiliar men.

32. The 74 Texts That Go Unanswered

A friend and her neighbour were sent 74 text messages from a man over just one night, starting near 10 pm with no response.

Each time she did not respond, he continued sending them.

He kept checking outside to see if they were still on the porch together.

The conversation had evolved from just offering a drink to sending her music links up until he began graphically describing what he wanted to do to her.

This is not an uncommon incident; these occurrences are happening all the time.

33. Planning Never Stops

A lot of mental energy is spent in preparation for situations that men never have to worry about: Where will I park?

Which route do I take home?

What do I do if the stranger I pass appears to be harmless, but potentially isn’t?

How do I respond in a manner that de-escalates a situation without appearing to encourage the man?

How do I react if the man follows me home?

How do I respond if a man traps me in a location?

This is not fear by emotion.

This is thinking and planning, a full-time job.

34. The Catcall Strategy That Never Works

Women have developed strategies just for how to handle being catcalled.

Should I ignore him, which might lead him to escalate?

Should I smile just to keep it lighthearted?

Or should I respond with rudeness, which might cause him to get angry?

The truth is, there is no right answer.

Everyone, at some point or another, has had their strategies fail.

But the true exhaustion is not the number of failures that each individual has, but the amount of those failures that are repeated over the course of a lifetime.

35. A Body That Is Not Simply Existing

Women’s bodies are constantly evaluated, judged, and used as proxies for their worth.

If you’re too thin, you should eat more.

If you’re too heavy, you should do more exercise.

If you’re dressed casually, it looks like you don’t care.

If you’re dressed up, it looks like you’re trying hard.

If you wear makeup, then you’re fake.

If you don’t wear makeup, then you’re unprofessional.

There is no neutral space.

There is no female body type that does not invite comments, criticism, and unwanted attention.

36.

People (male and female) usually show respect to men more than they do to women. In many instances, the woman is seen as an appendage to the man and a woman who is without a man is often gossiped about or treated with a lack of respect in subtle ways

37.

In many countries, a woman must submit a letter of consent from her husband before she can travel with her children, while a man can do so without these same restrictions. The same goes for

• Adams sent this in from New Jersey.

PS: I read through, and as someone who lives in Nigeria, I could only relate to some of the points raised. In my opinion, this takes away the universality of the points raised, but I believe some of them are still valid.

Ladies who read and can relate to some should please feel free to drop a comment