Christian Single Parent Manual

The Christian Single Parent's Godly Options Regarding Parenting.

Option 1: Boarding School

My mum was a single parent for many years. When I was thirteen, my dad relocated abroad in search of greener pastures.

There were five of us

The first was already on her way to university

The second was a year away from writing GCE

I was the third, the most problematic and the most independently minded

I was in SS1

Even with my father in the picture, I was a truant

The last two children were 11 and 6

My parents made the best decision; I believed any good parent should learn to make

They shipped me off to the boarding school even though it made me lose a year, as I had to repeat SS 1.

It didn't cure me of truancy, but it added structure to my life.

Unlike at home, where I did whatever I liked and had made up my mind to answer to no one, I had to wake up early in the boarding school, I had to lay my bed after waking up, i had to fetch water for my bath the night before and keep it from being stolen, I had to learn how to keep my properties including my school uniforms neat and ironed daily, I had to learn how to study so that I don't repeat a class and become a laughingstock of my immediate juniors.

I had to learn how to conduct myself with the female students in my class, interact with them and make an impression both in the classroom and outside of it.

I had to learn how to survive without playing the emotional manipulative card I had mastered when dealing with my parents because nobody cared whether you are liked or served bigger portions of food or barbed your hair or ironed your uniform and house wear.

When the juniors start laughing at you, and the seniors call you to a corner to punish you for looking rough, you adjust as quickly as possible.

Boarding school taught me to wake up at 5 am daily, like clockwork

It taught me how to stand up to bullies and recognise their antics from a mile away.

It taught me how to be independent-minded and how to be responsible for myself

It taught me how to be fair to my juniors because we all hated mean seniors and did cruel things to them in a bid to fight back against their tyrannical rule, which went too far sometimes.

It also taught me resource control, budgeting, self-denial, scale of preference, and how to put my brilliance to work in exchange for food, money, biscuits, or other provisions from the lazy students who might want me to borrow them my class notes or write an assignment for them.

Boarding school made a huge difference in my life.

When I see single mothers struggling with raising their son or sons, and it is obvious the young man needed a male role model which the single mother couldn't provide, I counsel them to put their son in a well-researched boarding school instead of holding on to that son emotionally and raising a young man who would later find it diffcult to cope with life and all it's spider webs.

Some listen, and some don't

Parents forget that intentional parenting is not about them and their emotional attachment or feelings; it is about what is best for the child.

Some single mothers hold on to the child because they feel it is their best bet to get the father of the child back or keep him involved in their drama.

This is not fair

Any parent using the child as bait to keep the ex-husband or the father of the child on a string is obviously not a good parent.

When you are raising a child or children, they become your focus. You observe them, their behavioural tendencies and proclivities and decide if they are better off in a boarding school or with you, despite the fact that you have to work, date and find love again and so on.

A well-researched Christian boarding school is an advantage for every parent, whether single or not, but for the single parent (female raising a male or males) it will help you set them on a structured and disciplined path throughout their teen years, and this will serve them well for the rest of their lives.

The Christian Single Parent's Godly Options Regarding Parenting.

Option 2: Remarry or Get Married

Intentional parenting recognises the fact that doing all the caring, fending, and raising of the child/children alone would leave many gaps in the children's lives which cannot be filled by stubbornness or defiance.

Children model the life the parents reveal to them, even if that life will at the end of the day be of no use to the child.

I know many single parents whose children couldn't stay in a marriage. The cause of this was their inability to recognise, as that child was growing, that he or she is too involved in their adult life and decision-making processes, and this would most likely mirror how he or she would reflect when it comes to raising his or her own children in future.

A single parent makes decisions unilaterally based on the options and resources available. There is no counterargument or compromise, except that he or she involves the child/children in the decision-making, and this is usually a mistake which leads to overcompensation by the parents and emotional manipulation by the child who keeps hearing the father or mother says "I am the only one taking care of you and I am doing my best".

The child realises that other people have two parents and that he or she was obviously missing out on that sort of well-rounded and balanced upbringing.

Some single parents keep on rehashing the faults and flaws of the other parents to the child/children; this damages the child in ways that cannot be mentioned until he or she begins to have relationships and get emotionally involved with other people.

When it comes to intentional parenting, finding a spouse who would help model the other gender to the child is a very good thing, especially for the child/children.

The male single parents I know who refused to remarry for one reason or the other raised healthy and well-educated sons with the help of the boarding school system.

However, as I checked on every one of them in the last few days, I realised something they all have in common.

All of them are single parents now, with the exception of one.

One or two have lovers they are spending time with; some have nobody; some have custody of the child, and some don't; some never got married; some are divorced multiple times, but none is married as I write this.

Single parents who are male should please remarry so that their sons wouldn't think, "My father lived alone, and he prospered. I will do the same".

The numbers are not encouraging at all

When a man gets used to doing things on his own, it seems he would have little or no room for a woman in his life, and this would inevitably hurt the child/children he is raising psychologically and emotionally.

There is a softness and emotional side that a woman helps develop in a child/children simply by being present in the life of such.

For the single parent who is female, as long as she is objective and intentional about raising her child/children right by making pragmatic decisions regarding their schooling (boarding school for the male, no malicious talk about the child's father, no emotional blackmail, no bitterness or resentment), she can do a good job of raising the child/children on her own without remarrying.

The child/children must be a priority in terms of moulding and modelling.

The mother must be intentional about the church she is attending.

If she is subject to judgement and stigmatisation in a church, she should leave because it will affect that child later in life to be a victim of that or to watch his or her mother being subjected to such.

Choose a church with a structured programme for the youth like the Boys Brigade, Royal Ambassadors or Lydia group which would help them with structure, discipline, training and positive relationships from both their peers and the adults in their life.

If she can find love, she should do so but she must be careful to choose a man she can love and not just use to pay her bills while keeping the interest of her child/children as hers alone while preventing him from having an input.

I know several single women who got married and wouldn't allow their husbands to get involved in raising their child/children because he is not their biological father.

If you got married to him, he is their daddy even if he is not their father. You must allow him the room to contribute his quota to the children's upbringing and to love them in his own way.

For the single fathers, remarriage is a must. Make sure you marry someone with a kind heart who would love your children as her own.

For the single mothers, remarriage is highly recommended. If however, you have to raise that child alone, ensure that the support system you are providing for that child is deliberate, balanced, and positive.

The Christian Single Parent's Godly Options Regarding Parenting

Option 3: Single Parenting As a Choice

Most people who end up as single parents either became so as a result of failed relationships, failed marriages, getting pregnant as teenagers with the person responsible for the pregnancy not claiming it, A lady discovering she was pregnant but she couldn't tell who the father was, getting widowed, getting pregnant as a result of a relationship with a married and choosing to keep the pregnancy, inheriting the child/children of a relative who died or delivered the child and fled or being abandoned with the children by their father or mother who thought technically was still married to their other parent has relocated abroad with no intentions of returning home to the children and his or her partner.

The cases listed above obviously would involve a lot of emotional hotspots and psychological banana peels.

The intentional single parent is a woman or a man who deliberately employs the services of a surrogate mother to have children for him or her or, as a female, the one who intentionally gets artificially inseminated through the process of IVF and sperm banking or donation with a determination to have a child and raise the child himself or herself.

In the cases above, there is usually no bitter story to share with the baby about the other parent, and there will be no legal battles or custodial drama which the children have to get involved in from time to time because the parents wanted to be in their lives and one or both of them is unwilling to follow the set rules.

Another way may be to adopt the child legally and give the child all the love that such a person has to give out of gratitude and joy of seeing his or her dream of becoming a parent being fulfilled.

In the case of intentional Single Parenthood, the child's interest must be put above all else.

Parenting is a choice, and that choice must be to raise that child to become the very best he or she could be in this life.

The child is not a toy or plaything that you want to dress in identical attire with. He or she is not a piece of property.

As a parent, you must nurture and care for that child so seriously and carefully by choosing the people in the child's life, where you want to raise the child and the kind of social life and environment you want the child to grow in.

You must be stable emotionally, as this child is not your emotional support animal. (I write this because what some people need to adopt is a cat or a dog, but they misguide themselves by adopting a child only to find out they could not cope with the demands of raising one)

You must provide a solid and balanced foundation for the child throughout his or her childhood and place the child/children in a boarding school or grooming school during his or her teenage years so that the child gets the right balance in terms of structure and emotional balance.

Children raised by single parents in this category could sometimes fall into a crisis of identity (especially those born to single parents with deliberate IVF).

They might see themselves as weird if told the story of their origin so casually; they may also see that others have two parents while they have only one; they may hear gossip from mean children who know their story.

As a parent, you have a duty to raise your child with a reinforced sense of belonging, an identity, a solid emotional profile and an equally strong support system.

You must find male or female role models who are willing to mentor the child with you and prepare him or her for a glorious future.

The emotional clarity in the case of intentional single parenthood is a good advantage to consider while making the choice to take this route to become a parent.

Any parent fortunate enough to get children this way must not turn the child into a delinquent or a menace to society in the name of loving the child or overpampering the child.

Children are meant to be raised until they are ready to start off in life on their own. It is important that the emotional involvement of the parent is well-intentioned so as not to turn into blackmail against the child later in life

If a parent in this category finds love along the way, it is very advisable that he or she buys it with everything and that he or she can afford to pay for it.

Two is always better than one

The Christian Single Parent's Godly Options Regarding Parenting

Why Some Children Go Bad

A father told me the story of how his daughter went bad despite all his efforts as a single parent.

He said he met a lady at a random party and had sex with her

He said the lady targeted him but he had no idea that she did

He was twenty-three years old at the time, and the lady was nineteen

She was a student at the local teacher training college while he was the son of a popular High Chief in his state and already established in business

He said he paid the lady for her services and left his state after the party to conduct some business in some parts of western Nigeria

When he returned to the South East some months later, his father sent for him

When he got to his father's house, he met a woman and her daughter

The daughter was pregnant

He said he didn't even recognise her

He said his father asked him if he slept with the lady, and he denied it because he didn't recognise her

The lady then mentioned the name of the hotel, the name of the party celebrant, the other ladies that she accompanied to the party from her school, how much he paid her and which room it was that they had sex in.

He said he told his father all the details she gave were true, but the woman he slept with was a prostitute, and he paid her off

He said he had never seen where a prostitute would get paid in full and still bring a pregnancy to the man who slept with her

His father told the lady and her mother that since the daughter was fully paid, the transaction was concluded in good faith and that they should leave his house

"Why keep the pregnancy after sleeping with my son?

You slept with other people and used prevention or had an abortion, but when it came to my son, you showed up claiming you are pregnant"

It was a mess.

The young lady and her mother went to the catholic church, where his father was a pillar, and to the houses of other chiefs to cry and beg for their intervention.

Eventually, the chiefs visited the family house to appeal to his father to consider it as an act of charity to accept the pregnancy

His father said she must deliver and they must see that the child belongs to his son before such a decision could be made.

She delivered a baby girl.

The girl had all the genetic features of his family

It was obvious to everybody that the baby was for their family.

When his father, the family leaders and others went to the hospital to see the baby, they came out with one conclusion

The baby was theirs

His father called him and told him that the baby was his

He told his father he could never marry the prostitute but would willingly send her some money for monthly upkeep.

Both families agreed to this until the young girl was five years old, and somebody saw her with the mother at another hotel, where the lady left one of the waiters to watch over the young girl while she went to entertain some men in the room.

This was reported to him, and he decided he would have to take his daughter from the mother.

Negotiations were intense, but at the end of the day he paid the woman five hundred thousand Naira and took his daughter away from her

By this time, he was thirty and unmarried. He kept the young lady at his father's house as he went about conducting his business.

A year later, his father told him to get married so that his daughter would have proper care, and he did.

Unfortunately, his wife hated his daughter with venom.

To make matters worse, his wife didn't get pregnant on time, and this made her hate his daughter even more.

He saw everything his wife was doing and how his daughter was always walking on eggshells and crying almost all the time.

He said this led to a lot of bitter rows until he decided to put his daughter in a boarding school.

Unfortunately, the young lady got expelled in JSS1 for theft.

He said he knew it was probably because he left it too late before taking the decision to put her in the boarding school.

He researched another school and placed her there even though it was quite expensive for him to do so.

It was one of the best secondary schools in Lagos, and they had this deliberate grooming for their students that helped them with posture, etiquette, structure and discipline

His daughter graduated from there without any hassles, and he felt the matter had been laid to rest.

One day, while his daughter was in the university, she came home to see him and his wife accused her of stealing some of her money.

His daughter, for the first time, reacted to the accusation with violence, and she almost beat up her stepmother.

The stepmother's children stood up to their stepsister in defence of their mother, and the entire house was almost set ablaze.

He found himself in the middle of the mess with his wife asking him to discipline his daughter for daring to exchange words with her and his daughter asking him to defend her from the wicked stepmother's antics.

He investigated the accusation and the alleged stolen money was found in his wife's handbag.

His wife refused to apologise

His daughter decided to take the issue up by going to the police station

He pleaded with her not to do so

She began to cry and demanded that she would like to visit her biological mother.

He had forbidden her from visiting her mother but not from seeing her

So her mother would normally meet with her at a restaurant not too far from his house once in a while.

He told her she was above eighteen years of age and was free to do anything she wanted

The following day, she packed her bag and went to see her mother

The mother lived in a slum, and his daughter had no business in such a place

He had hoped that the moment she got there, she would be put off by the place and not stay for a day.

He was wrong.

She stayed with her mother

Her mother had five children for five men and practically lived off the money her first two daughters made off the men they were sleeping with

When she joined them, her mother told her there was no free food or accommodation with her, as she had it with her father

Everybody hustled for their daily bread

That was how his daughter was introduced to the mother's lifestyle

Within a year, she had become an expert at sleeping with men for money while still studying law

He said he believed it was in her DNA to turn out that way, but a lack of love and acceptance from her stepmother also made her feel unsettled and fuelled her need for validation and acceptance, which she found in her mother's house.

He said his other children are married and successful in all their careers, but his first daughter was only successful in her career.

She couldn't settle down in marriage, as she had turned out to be someone who had successfully mixed her career as a corporate lawyer with sexual explorations of all kinds with different men.

He said he tried to intervene when she was thirty-five by getting a therapist to help her sort out the issues, but the intervention only made her worse.

PS: This was a telephone conversation I had, and I tried to remember as much of it as possible.

Wicked stepmothers are a thing, and as a man with a child who is looking to get married, they are to be avoided at all costs.

-GSW-