Married Into A Troubled Family? Read This

There are six children in my husband’s family.

He's the fifth born, but he carries the family like he's the first son. They have five boys and one girl. The first three boys are, I'm sorry to say, they are above 45, but they're not doing well.

So, the first one, the first set, they're twins. And one is a pushing barrel in the market carrying goods. And the other one is not feeling okay. Like they claim he has schizophrenia or something like that. He can't work, and he's even living with his mother currently.

The third one is a security guard who is just very lazy and doesn't want to do better with his life. He is married. The fourth is the girl, who is a trader in the aluminum market. The fifth born is my husband, who seems to be the only person doing well. But then again, you don't really get to see the effect of his money because family members and, you know, all of that. The lastborn repairs phones in the market.

So, you see, it's just a very strange situation and all of that. And the mother, she's so close to the son, that's my husband, that every little thing, she doesn't even regard me as a wife. If she needs anything as little as provisions, she calls my husband. If she needs to buy gas for cooking, she calls my husband.

Recently, last year, she said she could not stay where she was staying again. In fact, I think they gave them quictnotice and we had to get her a place. And she insisted that wherever they are getting her must be close to my husband.

You know, Pastor, I didn't take these things to heart as I didn't think too deeply, but I just realized that this woman, for every time I go to see her with my husband, she tells my husband to excuse me, as in to come, like she wants to have a private conversation with him.

Whenever this happens, I'm telling him that I don't understand why you go see your mom, and your mom would always want to see you separately, privately, am I not part of the family? You know, things like that, and he will say he has told her.

So, some things I expect him to be very strong on, like stamp his feet. He just makes excuses, saying his mom, where she is mentally and physically and emotionally, you know, she's not so strong with her health because of the children.

There's no mother who would see their children in that state and be mentally okay, so that he would make excuses for her. And I'm like, but that doesn't mean that when she does certain things, you cannot say no

His mother has a very, very, very strong hold on him that no matter what she does, he can't say no to her, even if it's not convenient. So, recently, after saying those prayers during my night prayers, that God to expose things I need to know and just help me. That's the prayer I've been praying for over one week, that God, please help me.

Pastor, I have told my husband that we should go see a counselor. Everytime i mention it, all hell we let loose. I keep telling him that this thing is pride. We need to see a counselor. We need to talk to somebody.

Pastor, in fact, there was a day he warned me that if I mentioned seeing a counselor again, I would not like him. So, he doesn't want it. I know that this marriage needs therapy. Especially when it comes to our finances. They will pay me my salary. I will use my money and go and buy foodstuffs and stock up the house, and do things in the house. And when his own money comes, he spends it on his external family. in fact, we are in a lot of debt because of this

You can't say no to your family. Family members are calling. You know, it's a whole lot of messy situation. And I keep saying that now everybody depends on him. And now we are into serious debts that one has to start clearing. But then again, I'm now talking to him about how we need to focus on ourselves.

We need to know what to do. And I'm like, let's see a therapist. For God's sake, he doesn't want it. Let's see a counselor. He doesn't want to hear. Even recently, I told him, I said, I'm going to see a counselor. And he said, I should bye bye. He's not interested in all of that. You know?

So, two days ago, my co-wife, that's his brother's wife, called me because there was an issue.

A few weeks ago, I heard something that stunned me, like, I don't know how to explain it. So his brother's wife found out that her husband was sleeping with, and molesting his four-year-old daughter. You know, so it's been a whole lot of turmoil, it's been crazy. So the wife said she wants both families to come talk about it, but they're still going to arrest him, you know, and all of that.

They had been dragging this issue and everything, like, for them to have a meeting. She would call. I was wondering, why is there a drag? Why is there a delay? This is a very serious matter. So I started carrying this thing on my head because I cannot imagine a father molesting his own daughter. So that matter is already on the ground.

So two days ago, the wife, the mother of the girl, called me and told me that there was something she wanted to tell me, but she couldn't tell me on the phone. She asked if I could come see her, so I went to see her. And I was worried, I was like, what is it? She said that since this whole issue started, I've been the only one who has shown her love and I've been there for her, that her spirit has been disturbing her to tell me the truth and to tell me. I was wondering, OK, what is it?

She told me, she started talking to me that when she came to this family, she got married a year after I did. She said the instant she came to this family, our mother-in-law drew her ears and warned her to stay away from me. And I asked, stay away from me. Why? Why? What did I do? She said she could not even understand. I mean, you know, a new wife and they're giving you such warnings. And I'm like, stay away from me?

She said our mother-in-law even called her her husband, to warn her to stay away from me. And I'm so shocked. So when I was dedicating my first child, she came around, and our mother-in-law came to her and told her that she should leave because we said we didn't really want people. In fact, there were canopies downstairs.

So how was it that we put up a canopy, and people are coming into the house, and we said we don't want people? I remember so well, she came to tell me that she needs to go, that her tummy is disturbing her. She told me two days ago that her tummy wasn't disturbing her, that she didn't know why the woman told her to leave with her husband.

She said there was another time when my husband and I were not feeling too well. My mother-in-law came to their house, banged on their door, and told them that whatever they had done to my husband and me, they had better undo it.

My mother-In-law was sick at the time, and while she was sick, she was at the hospital. So her son's wife was there, because I was still nursing my child, so I wasn't there. The son's wife was there, the daughter was there, and the daughter's friend was there. And she wanted to bathe, and she said that they got up to assist her in bathing. And she refused, and she said that it must be my husband who will bathe her. How? Even the daughter said no, but my husband went to bathe her.

So I didn't know all these things all this time, until she was telling me. And I was like, what sort of abomination is that? It's different if there was nobody there, but even then, you can be a nurse.

What is this hold she has on you that you can't say no? That you went to bathe her while there were three women in that room that day? Sir, I don't know how to feel. I don't even know.

The woman I know does not like me. And the truth of the matter is that it has not always been like this. But she sees me as the person who came to disrupt, maybe the flow of what she's getting from her son or something. But I really didn't see all this in the initial stage.

When I met her the first time before we got married, she welcomed me. She was so welcoming. But I didn't think about it. I didn't even look. Because I promised myself, I got married at 29. I purposely stayed that long because of certain things I told God that I wasn't going to accept or endure.

If my prospective mother-in-law doesn't like me, I have determined not to even push it. Because I know the ripple effect that comes with it.

So I was shocked to start seeing all this attitude and all of these things. And there was just a lot that this woman had said about me, had done.

There was even a time she told me that she had not finished my husband's money before I arrived, and I replied to her that I would be the one to first eat my husband's money. When I finish, then any other person can. And I just said it that day. I don't even know why I made that statement.

When I gave birth, I started having heart issues after childbirth and all of that. I remember her coming to me to ask me if we have heart issues in our family.

When I tell my husband, he just makes an excuse for her. There were things she had done to me. I come back home, I tell my husband, I say, make an excuse for her. I said to him, “ You don't stand up to your mother when she talks to your wife, anyhow, or disrespect your wife, or make snide comments. You don't do that.”

When I got back home after my meeting with my co-wife. I called my husband that night and said, see, this is what happened. This is what I heard. How come I'm hearing this from somebody else? How is it that this happened, and you didn't think to come home?

My husband chooses what he tells me. As I am like this, there are so many things about him that I don't know. He just chooses what he tells me. One would say, oh, he doesn't talk too much. But no, I know men who don't talk too much. My younger brother doesn't talk too much. But I can tell you things about him because he will tell you certain things. So even when I come and initiate conversation, it seems to him that I'm disturbing him. That's the energy he puts out.

Then I spoke to him, and he was like, he doesn't remember bathing his mother. But then, even if he bathed her, what's wrong with that, that she was somebody in a vulnerable state at the time?

I was like, what are you saying? So many people were there, including your sister. They could have bathed her. Why did she insist that you should bathe her? Why must it be you? I've seen times when you're in the house, you're busy. She will call you and say she wants to see you. You would leave the house and go see her. Not once, not two, not three. Countless times. So I keep asking, what is this all about? What is this thing?”

The family, there's just a lot. And right now, I think this is more spiritual. My husband refused to accept that there was anything wrong with that. And I asked him, why would your mom tell a new wife to avoid me, to stay away from me? And you're making an excuse, telling me that maybe she saw a character that was bad in the new wife. And I said, if that was the case, it's me she would call to tell that, to stay away. What are you saying?

Sir, my husband is very intelligent and logical. But when it comes to things like this, I don't understand what is happening. It seems as though he's not using his head; he's not thinking. He's not able to just discern what he's saying. He attends Mountain of Fire. I don't have a problem with Mountain of Fire. But at that point, it was not just resonating with what I wanted to be, my spiritual life, and everything. So I returned to my fountain of life.

So right now, we attend separate churches. In fact, sometimes I even beg him, just come one Sunday. Because I don't know, he would just say, so I will leave the work that I'm supposed to do, this and that. Because he teaches Sunday School, and he's also the Bible study coordinator, and he counsels people. So those things, I don't know. I really don't know. And I told him that even from all these things you're doing, inside here, you're not giving me back that energy that I expected. And he defended his mother in everything I said. I told him, I said, what I expect you to do is to acknowledge the way I feel about all these things. Not to defend his mother

Now, on my own part, I've not called the mother since January. And that's because I am that kind of person that, I like to protect my space, protect my energy.

I realise that whenever I talk to her, I'm upset, I'm angry, I'm sad. Whenever I go visit her, I've even told my husband that there is this darkness I feel whenever I go to visit your mom. There is this darkness around the house, in the house. There is this energy, you know, this gloomy, sad. That whenever I go there and come out, I'm sad, I'm gloomy, my mood is off

So, I said, I'm not going to go there again. I would rather call her. When I call her, it extends to the core. There is this thick darkness. There is this thing about, you know, there are people you call, and your spirit is lifted. But never her. Whenever I call her, my spirit just goes down. So, I just avoided it. I would ask him, when he goes to see her, the days he tells me he goes to see her, the days he doesn't tell me. But anytime he tells me, I'm like, oh, how is she? I hope she's doing okay.

So, he brought that up that day and said, oh, when was the last time I called his mom. And, Pastor, he does not call my mom oh. He does not give my mom a recharge card, oh. He does not even, Christmas time, he doesn't send anything during Christmas time to my mom. Do you understand, sir? But I will cook and send it to his mom. I will do other things.

I'm now saying that, when was the last time he did a little thing for my mom? When? Is it because she doesn't ask? Because she doesn't complain?

PS: Some families are under heavy siege; if you marry into them, you will find yourself directly in the line of fire

-GSW-

Mistakes that you have made

1) Checking through his phone

2) Serious display of insecurity by accusing him of leading on those he counsels.

A man who is often accused by his wife will inevitably set strong boundaries with his wife by limiting communication and emotional engagement with her.

It also leads to information management, as such a man will filter what he shares with his wife, since she seems to be so easily triggered

The issue of emotional engagement with his colleague is a direct result of his seeking peace and understanding from the bosom of a woman who would accept him as he is, without accusing him or agitating him, but only offering him peace and tranquility

[15/03, 19:59] GSW: This relationship with the office friend will most likely not lead to any sexual engagement

Your husband is not looking to cheat sexually.

He is just looking to find peace and quiet, a safe haven, and a safe space

It means he no longer sees you as his safe space, or maybe he never even saw you as his safe space

A safe space is a no-judgement zone

A place one goes to where one can just unburden and be understood or cared for without any form of negativity

Some women provide their husbands with this safe space naturally, while some cannot, even if they try their very best

Delilah was a safe space for Samson

If you look at the book of Judges 4

Right in the middle of life's battles, in which men find themselves

They would become vulnerable to someone who relieves them of stress

Sisera, the commander of the Canaanite Army, went into the tent of a strange woman, asking for milk

Not sex

He just needed to rest from all the battle and the warfare he was facing

He drank the milk and fell asleep

This led to his death at the hand of Jael (The woman he went to to seek a safe space)

Jeal was the woman he was vulnerable with

Delilah did the same to Samson

Your husband is the only child out of six doing well

He is surrounded by life issues without relief on every side

His mother, his siblings, financial burden, and life issues all surround him and overwhelm him

You, his wife, also came, and instead of helping him to destress and show him some serious positive support

You added to his stress

Look at him, the situation you described he was born into, and all the responsibilities he is carrying

Do you think he deserves to have a wife who will be crying for attention, telling him to fight his mother, listening to a co-wife who cannot even qualify to be her housemaid, and making issues by checking his phone and asking him to give more to her out of the little he has left

Both of you are the most successful couple and individuals in that family.

You married into a family that has been carrying and fighting battles for many years

Schizophrenia, lack of education, lack of substance, poverty, failure to launch, illiteracy, and spiritual battles

You saw all these before choosing to marry him

You didn’t marry into a family where all the siblings are financially independent, and their mother is also financially sorted

You married the rose surrounded by thorns

This was your choice

You are now asking someone who was raised in the midst of affliction to act like this was not his reality

You are telling him to turn his back on his people and choose you as his forever and more

What you are asking for is not something he can give

If he did what you said, his entire family would suffer seriously, and they would lash out at him and you as his wife

Do you understand?

He is the only source of relief they have

It will be wicked of anyone to instruct him to abandon them either emotionally or financially

So please don’t demand this of him

The excesses of his mother came from fear of being abandoned

The emotional demands on him to even bathe her

The mother knows that he is their only lifeline

If you successfully turn his heart away, they will all suffer

So the mother is deliberately pulling him in emotionally to keep his attention and love from wavering

As a son, he has no option but to provide for his family and be present with them in this situation

The natural order is that he must leave and cleave to you, but he cannot because of extenuating circumstances

This is why you are not enjoying the marriage

You wanted a husband who would leave and cleave

But you married a man who has to carry his family on his back like a tortoise

This will slow your progress financially, emotionally, spiritually, and materially

This is why the tortoise is so slow

The load it carries and its defensive nature, in which it hides its head in its shell when there is danger, is also a reflection of your husband's defensive posture when you make issues out of these obvious problems

One rich man in the middle of six poor men is a poor man

You have married a very poor man

I hope I am not hurting you with my direct approach to this issue

I prefer not to sugarcoat issues

Don’t be the one spending all the money on recurrent expenditures at home going forward

Since you now know his situation, you have to be intentional about what he gives you

You won’t overburden him pls

He should have a budget for his mother

He should have a budget for his home

I know he takes care of the rent, too

And other heavy expenditures

Once you sort out the material issues and place things on the right budget, your marriage will experience a level of peace

Make sure you move towards financial independence for the sake of the children

There should be a structure from him in which what is meant for his family is clearly stated and done

Then you will close your eyes to anything happening in his family

If he rents a house, buys a gen, does whatever

You understand the demand on him, and you don’t bother to complain about it

He is your choice

Now, to the emotional demand you are talking about.

Once you see things as I have laid them out, you should apply the same solution to your emotional demand

He will give you 20%

His family will take 60%

His children will take 20%

The rest 20% will go to his friends, church members, etc

You will experience peace when you put the things I have asked you to do in motion

You won’t complain anymore and add to his burden

You would have become an understanding wife, and he will then trust you enough to talk to you as his no-judgement zone

You must be mature too, so that whatever he might tell you, you won’t make trouble and pass judgment out of it

Your role is to support him and be his wife, not his judge

He is a good man

He just happened to have been born into this situation, in which he has to adapt and survive in the midst of great affliction and family woes

If he has the right support from his wife. He will be a better man

So be that support

You will also enjoy the benefit of peace and contentment from your husband if you do this

Please let him check your phones freely

Don’t check his

He is in too much trouble, as I can see from his family, to start sleeping with another woman

Don’t step into that family issue. It predates you

All you can do is not get dragged into it

Protect yourself and your children from undue exposure to such bile and toxicity

Protect your husband, too, by giving him peace at home, because you know the chaos he is dealing with out there, especially with his family issues

But he will have to deal with the family issues he has inherited. As a man should!!

If you play your cards right, the battle will end with your husband

Your children won’t inherit it

That is the goal now

Please feel free to share this exchange with your husband

Tell him I am praying for him

He will overcome

-GSW-