The Cold War

She: I've just been going through a lot the last couple years with my husband, and ever since we got married, they just didn't, the happy life or the happy marriage, I've never really seen it, and I'm just, but since I've joined the class, I've learned new tools, new things to help me cope with how stressful it has been, but I don't know where you want me to start.

GSW: Okay, so when you say that you've never experienced a happy marriage, happy married life, what do you mean?

She: Yeah, so it's like when we got married, it felt like he changed a little bit, like his priority. The thing is, when we got married, he was finishing his PhD, so I know it was stressful, so we never had like a honeymoon, we never had like, maybe we had maybe one vacation that him and I went to, and it was like, when it says to like go on dates and things like that, it's always with like other people. We never, after we got married, prioritized us kind of fade. For him, he would be like, oh, I'm busy, because he was finishing school, which was stressful, and COVID, and then after that, he did another fellowship where it was even more stressful, so he barely had any time to even pour into the relationship.

And when I tried to have, hey, let's go out, let's do something, oh, I'm busy, oh, I need to finish school, I need to finish with, he always has something, which I understood, and I just kind of laid back saying that after all this school and fellowship, he will have more time, but it never seems to happen.

GSW: So I can basically say, since you got married, you didn't have enough time to bond.

She: Yeah, I would say that.

GSW: So, apart from the fact that he doesn't have time, is that the main thing?

She: Um, no, I think he also disconnected himself from me, and I know, like there's one remark, because after a while, I didn't know what was going on, and I said, let's go talk to the pastor. He was not really happy about that, but then one comment he made that I remember, he said, she just irritates me. She just irritates me. Pastor was like, okay, we'll talk about it. And I was like, okay.

And I'm very, very patient, because I'm like, if somebody needs space, I'll just let them be. I don't want to bother anybody. I don't want to make anybody uncomfortable, but I've reached a point where we are kind of like roommates now. He barely talks to me. I try to have a conversation. So I really want to know what's going on in his head, but he just doesn't let me in, because I know there are probably things that he wants from me, but I don't know.

GSW: Okay, are you guys having sexual relations?

No, actually, no. Since we had our son two years ago, the last time we did, it was to conceive him, and then that's it. So maybe like two and a half years ago, we did not.

GSW: So you've been together for five years?

We've been together since 2018, November 2018.

GSW: And then two and a half years ago was the last time you had sex?

Yeah.

GSW: Okay, and you are quiet.

Yeah, I'm talking. I'm now talking more, expressing how I feel,

GSW: Okay

but his response most of the time, like even a couple of days ago, I was like, do whatever you want to do. Do what you think is right for you.

GSW: Oh

She: And I said, I live in a life, I am married to you, and the way you act, the way you are, affects my life. So I can't just do whatever I want to. We're supposed to share a life.

GSW: So do you suspect he's seeing another woman?

She: At this point, maybe, maybe not. I don't even... I had a feeling a couple months ago, but then in my head I said to myself, if he's dumb enough to go there, he's the one who's breaking the covenant with God. Because I cannot force him to act right or to keep his promises that he made in front of God.

GSW: Okay. The challenge here is that while you are legally married to him, it seems the vitality of your marriage is no longer intact.

She: eah.

GSW: And you cannot say this was what went wrong. What went wrong? Was there any damage? Was there anything? Was there a fight? What was it? There has to be something.

She: Yeah, from what I... From... Maybe I let him just kind of... let him be when he was in school. I just wasn't bothering him, like saying, hey, we need to sit down and have a conversation. I didn't do it enough. But it's hard to say because I don't even know exactly what's... I know one thing he used to say is like, oh, you're not as clean as I want you to be. I would expect you to be tidier. And I have a hard time trying to figure out what exactly happened because whenever I ask him, he just says, let me be.

But some things happen. And like one thing is my... Since COVID, my mom started living with us because she got divorced with my dad and they sold the house so she didn't really have a place to stay. So she stayed with us to help us with our first daughter. And so he... Maybe that's what made him a little bit distant, but he never mentioned any issues.

ACTION AND REACTION

And so after that, I think it was two, three years ago, he brought his mom here from Nigeria. Because I'm Congolese, he's Nigerian.

GSW: Yeah

She: He brought his mom here from Nigeria. He didn't tell... Like the first time she came is when we had our baby. The second time she came, he didn't tell me anything about her coming. He said, oh, Grandma is coming to help with the children. And I don't have anything to say about it. He said, she's coming. I didn't ask when she's leaving, when she's going to be here, or what the situation is going to be. He just said, she's coming.

And ever since she's just been here. And I don't... I'm going to be honest. I don't like that she's here because I... And I learned from class that God does not speak to us through dreams. It's a vision. And I knew... I had a vision where she was... And you can maybe give me direction on this. That she was having sexual intercourse with her son. But then the way it happened is that she was on top of him, and he was unconscious. And it was as if he didn't have any control over what was happening.

And so, ever since... Even when the way she is here, at first, it was like, oh, this is where she came. It was my house. Like, you guys will have to abide with my rule. Like, it was as if she were coming to her home. Like, I'm here. And then after prayer, I was like, no, this is my home. I declare this place is my home. You're not going to come in to make it uncomfortable. So, declaring it.

And so, the last couple of weeks, she's been kind of, like, distanced. More staying in her room, more staying, like, away from us. But still, she wants to control the home. She wants to control everything that happens. Or, like, with the children and things. And I don't want to put the blame on just her. But I think with both grandmas in the house, it doesn't help our relationship. And maybe there's another woman in the picture. But every time, the way he's acting, it sounds like he's probably, his mind is occupied somewhere else.

GSW: How many years has your mom been around?

she: She's been, since 2020. So, six years.

GSW: Oh, okay. So, your mom has been with you for six years?

She: Yeah.

GSW: Ah, okay. So, he brought his own mom in when?

She: Um, he brought her almost two years ago. It's been almost a year and a half now.

GSW: Oh, my.

She: Yeah, and it's not, and the mom, the thing is, too, that in the polygamous, his mom was the first wife.

GSW: But that's not the issue. The issue here is that when you brought in your mom, your mom has stayed for so long.

She: Yeah.

GSW: He, being a Nigerian, will be thinking that you did that deliberately so that he wouldn't be able to bring his own people. His own mom, his own family members, and all. And so, after, of course, the mom will be, he would desire to bring his mom. So, when your mom came home, he didn't leave. He then brought his own mother, too, and decided that, okay, we both have a right to this house. You can't just leave your mom here and all that. Why hasn't your mother left?

So, my mom, financially, cannot be on her own.

GSW: For six years?

My mummy is not just comfortable being on her own . That's the main thing. Over there, she's not very free to be cooking or just be herself. I think that's the main thing. I think I have a comfort zone, too, for her being around, because she helps a lot with the kids more than my mother-in-law. And so, it's just my mom. It's just attached to her and her health and everything. So, I'm kind of her caregiver, too. I care for her.

GSW: I get that. So, all the advantages that mothers offer, I know you're enjoying them. But you can also see that this is affecting your marriage badly.

She: Yeah.

GSW: And it has gotten to the point where your husband has logged off or logged out of the marriage. You should see that, because, you know, we were talking earlier, and I was like, what really happened, if your mom is staying with you for six years?

She: Yeah.

GSW: It's going to be a problem. And then, he brought his own mother in out of protest. Because, naturally, when you are telling me, oh, his mother, this and that, I was like, why would anybody bring the two in-laws in the same house at the same time? But since your mom seems not to be going anywhere, he then had to go bring his own mother, too, because he felt, why would your mom come and become a permanent resident in the house?

How many children do you have?

She: Two.

GSW: Okay. So, if you are going to repair this marriage, both mothers have to go.

She: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

GSW: Both mothers have to go. You and your husband must have time together without their involvement.

She: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

GSW: Yeah. And you have to then cope like normal families do with raising the children.

GSW: How old are the children?

She: My oldest is six, the youngest is two.

GSW: Okay. So, you have a toddler.

Uh-huh.

GSW: Okay. Yeah. So, maybe you should have that discussion with your mom.

Uh-huh.

GSW: Since your mom has spent six years. And then you go to your husband, and you tell him, see, oh, I'm sorry. I realise that my mom has spent so long here. I'm thinking of what to do because it's important that I work with you in such a way that both of us can be on the same page. So, my mom will be leaving, and you will notice that if you do that, his attitude towards you will change a bit.

And he also will then most likely get his own mom to leave.

Uh-huh.

GSW: And if that happens, then the two of you will begin to enjoy your marriage as it is now. The six years is quite lengthy for your mom. And that was why he brought his own mother too.

So, are the two moms getting along?

No. I don't even get along with her. No, they don't really get along.

GSW: Okay, typically, the two of them should have, should have known that this would not make your marriage happy, so I think your, your husband has told his mum beforehand, that ha, this girl, she went to bring her mother, her mother is in the house, they are not, so that was why the mother said, that was why the mother came in, trying to assert control and help to, help him sort things out, but as the mother also has limited authority, you guys are in the USA, so they can't behave the way they would have behaved if you guys were here in Nigeria, you know, so that's why, because if they are, if you try that in Nigeria, yeah, but because it's the US, so how, so how do you, so because if you still want this marriage, then a lot of things have to be redone, and done better, to marry the, the presence of your mum and, and his mum is bad for the marriage, and the duration they spent, I understand they came to care for the child, they spent three months and they left, but to stay in the house continuously for six years is a recipe for disaster, it wouldn't work, even if it's the best mother in the world, it wouldn't work, it wouldn't work.

She: I understand

GSW: Yeah, but did he, has he ever called you to discuss it with you at any time?

um, no, not really, no, okay,

GSW: So you guys have a very strong communication problem.

She: yep, yep, yes, we do,

GSW: You don't communicate, you don't have sex, yeah, so what do you do together? You cook his food?

She: Um, when his mum came, she was cooking all the time for him, and then, we, before I used to, but he was like, no, stop cooking, and his mum came, she started cooking, now he said to his mum to stop cooking for him, oh gosh,

he eats out, yeah but then, he, um, he's trying to be healthier, he says, and so, he's just, he, mainly, I would see him eat out, and once in a while, at home, he would eat some salads, just, um, find out that he has some heart issues, he said, that he, he just got, he said he got diagnosed, he told me, and I was like, ah, you're gonna accept that, okay,

GSW: Diagnosis for what?

She: But, um, he said he has a heart, he just said he has a heart condition

GSW: If you make the necessary changes, things may improve. Please don’t delay in getting them done.

PS: It is always a bad idea to have a parent live with you as a couple. To have both parents at the same time is a disaster. Marriages don’t survive such exposure.

-GSW-