The Dangers Of ODealing With Emotional Avoidanceverthinking

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.”

― Khalil Gibran

A young man saw a young lady by the poolside of a hotel. She was looking so radiant, and his heart was seriously drawn to her. Everything in his soul stirred towards her. She was the lady he had never seen before, but whom his soul had always dreamt of and longed for. He was not shy; he was not a newbie at striking up conversations and getting to chat up or meet ladies.

But there are ladies who didn’t make his heart race, and then there is this lady who has held his heart captive. He could afford to be flippant with all the others but not with her. He had to get it right. It had to be perfect.

Then came a thought to him out of nowhere…” What if she came here to meet someone? What if she is on a date? What if she wanted to be by herself? What if she is in a long-distance relationship? What if she is expecting a friend? Or maybe her family was lodged in the hotel, and they will be having a family dinner? What if she is way out of his league? What if she is from another country and only came to the country for an event and would be returning in a few hours or days? What if she is married or engaged? What if she looked down on him or gave him the cold shoulder? What if she is engaged or married?

What if she is one of those ladies who hang around old rich men and has been brought to the hotel for a tryst?

She sat there and noticed someone was staring at her. Her heart raced. There was something about him that was so magnetic and compalling. She could sense he wanted to come over, and she prayed he would.

It was her birthday, and she brought herself out for a meal, hoping she would have a great time.

She was fine until she saw him.

As soon as she saw him, she suddenly began to crave company. His company.

She sat and hoped he could come over as she ordered herself a drink

He sat and kept his eyes on her like a hawk, but he didn’t make any move to come over to her.

The waiter brought her drink. She motioned to the waiter to ask him what he wanted to drink and if he would like to join her.

The waiter sauntered over and delivered her message.

He jumped out of his seat and rushed over to her.

She said “What were you waiting for?”

He said “I am sorry. I was overthinking”

They got married two years later.

This is what oftentimes happens in communication and miscommunication.

We overthink things so much that a perfectly natural “Good morning! And how are you today?” can turn into a death threat.

What if you are the kind of person, who reads meaning into every little word, gesture, or nuance?

Instead of replying in the same vein, if you were to ask yourself:

What does she mean?

She was smiling at me. Does that mean something? She didn’t smile at me like that last week!

She said ,” how are you today?” Does she know I was not sick, when I pretended to be, to get out of work last week?

And on and on, until a simple greeting is rendered sinister and unwelcome. And the next time you see this friendly, sociable person, you turn your back on her, or cross to the other side to avoid meeting her.

The person, seeing what you did, is hurt and mortified, wondering what she did to merit such a reaction. But do either of you talk it out, meet each other, discuss it? No. And so, one possibly beautiful friendship is nipped in the bud, not allowed to flower, owing to suspicion and overthinking.

How many times has this happened to you?

Take this scenario, for instance:

You sent someone a message on Whatsapp or DM on a friday

It’s a message that you took some time to write, and are rather proud of. You send it in, maybe, on the morning of Friday. The person you reached out to lives in another part of the world. Or was asleep.

Saturday and Sunday are usually busy for all people.

Friday goes by. Saturday passes. Sunday comes and goes. Your Monday morning is probably her Sunday night. And all the time, all the time, you are telling yourself, ‘He or she has ignored me or snubbed me or does not rate me or is proud and haughty or is full of himself or is a snob or i wrote rubbish or has screen grabbed it and would use it against me

And finally, you snap, and say, ‘all right! If you don’t want me, I don’t want you either! So there!”

You delete the message and grow resentful

And somebody on the other side of the world is wondering what you deleted

How many times have we been guilty of just such overthinking? And how many times have we broken off ties with bewildered people who don’t know what hit them, for no fault of theirs?

All it requires is to ask. To message. To send a ‘private note’. Isn’t it better to know than to let doubt multiply and cause misery? Often, there’s a perfectly plausible explanation.

All we have to ask is, ‘Have I done something wrong?’ Or even, ‘Is everything alright with you?’

Has this happened to you?

Were you ever at the receiving end of baseless suspicion?

Have you been guilty of overthinking yourself out of a good relationship? Have you suspected someone needlessly, and been too afraid, to ask, and find out the truth?