Two Birds, One Stone

One of the most ridiculous arguments I keep hearing is, “But men do it too!” A woman does something, someone points it out, and suddenly there’s an emergency meeting to remind everybody that men are also capable of doing the same thing.

Okay?

And?

What exactly is your point?

Did we establish that men are perfect? Did somebody announce that men are incapable of making terrible decisions? Because I must have missed that press conference.

Let’s take something simple. A woman says she wants a man who buys her flowers, opens doors for her, plans dates, pays the bills, and makes her feel taken care of.

Fine.

That’s her preference.

She’s allowed to want those things.

But imagine a man announcing that he wants a woman who buys HIM flowers, opens HIS door, plans dates, pays HIS bills, and makes HIM feel like a king. Suddenly, the conversation gets interesting.

“Excuse me? You’re a grown man!”

“Why can’t you pay your own bills?”

“What do you bring to the table?”

“Are you looking for a mother?”

“You’re supposed to be the provider!”

Oh, really? Now we’re talking about gender roles? Now we’re discussing what men and women are supposed to do? I thought we were all equal.

Ladies, imagine a man sitting across from you on a first date and explaining that he expects you to cover dinner, buy him presents, pay his rent, and occasionally surprise him with flowers because he deserves to feel cherished.

How many of you would be reaching for your phone to text your friends that this man is a walking red flag? How many would be asking whether he’s financially stable, emotionally mature, or simply looking for a sugar mama?

Yet when a woman makes a similar list of expectations for a man, she’s told she knows her worth.

Make it make sense.

The issue isn’t that women want flowers or men want flowers. The issue is that people often treat the same behavior differently depending on who’s doing it.

A man wanting to be pampered is sometimes called lazy or entitled, while a woman wanting to be pampered is celebrated as a queen who refuses to settle.

A man expecting a woman to pay his bills is judged harshly, while a woman expecting a man to pay hers might be told she’s simply dating with intention.

Of course, people are free to choose traditional relationships. If a man genuinely enjoys providing and a woman genuinely enjoys being provided for, good for them.

If a woman wants to pay the bills and a man wants to stay home, they can make that arrangement too. The point is that you cannot demand traditional treatment when it benefits you and then suddenly declare traditional expectations obsolete when they don’t.

And this is where the “but men do it too” argument becomes so absurd. If a woman behaves badly and someone criticises her, pointing out that a man has done the same thing doesn’t magically make her behaviour acceptable.

If a man cheats, that doesn’t excuse a woman cheating. If a woman is selfish, pointing out a selfish man doesn’t make her less selfish. Two people can be wrong at the same time. What a revolutionary concept!

Men and women are not identical, and pretending that every expectation must be perfectly symmetrical is not the same thing as fairness.

But if you want different standards for men and women, you should at least be honest about that. You cannot insist that men and women are exactly the same when demanding equal treatment, then insist they’re fundamentally different when you want special treatment.

So the next time someone says, “But men do it too,” perhaps the appropriate response is to ask a simple question: “And does that make it right?”

Because the goal shouldn’t be to prove that men are just as bad as women, or that women are just as bad as men. The goal should be to stop using somebody else’s bad behaviour as a convenient excuse for our own.

And ladies, if you want a man who opens your door, buys you flowers, and pays the bills, you’re entitled to look for one. Just don’t act shocked when somebody asks whether you’d be willing to do the same for him.

After all, equality is a wonderful thing.

Until the bill arrives, apparently.

ON MEN CHASING WOMEN

If a man doesn’t chase a woman, there must be something wrong with him. He’s intimidated by her success, frightened by her independence, insecure about his masculinity, or emotionally unavailable. Anything, apparently, except the possibility that he simply isn’t into you, sister.

Ladies, we have developed an extraordinary talent for turning male rejection into a psychological diagnosis. A man doesn’t pursue us, and suddenly we’re amateur therapists with a specialisation in fragile egos.

My, my, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?

Have we considered the possibility that he just doesn’t want us?

I know. Absolutely devastating. Somebody alert the authorities.

We’ve spent years telling women to know their worth, raise their standards, and stop settling for men who don’t appreciate them. Wonderful advice. But somehow, when a man applies that same logic, he’s suddenly insecure, intimidated, or suffering from an inability to handle a strong, independent “I don’t need no man” woman.

So a woman can look at a man and decide he’s not good enough for her, but a man cannot look at a woman and reach the same conclusion without being accused of having a personal crisis?

Make it make sense.

Men have standards, too, and not every standard revolves around how much money a woman makes or how impressive her career looks on LinkedIn.

A man might care about personality, lifestyle, emotional maturity, physical attraction, shared values, or whether he can imagine building a peaceful life with someone. Perhaps he wants children, and she doesn’t. Maybe they have completely different priorities. Maybe he doesn’t feel the chemistry. Or perhaps he simply isn’t attracted to her.

None of those possibilities automatically makes him insecure.

And no, having a successful career, earning a good salary, or being fiercely independent doesn’t guarantee romantic interest from every man you encounter. Those things can be attractive qualities, but attraction isn’t a rewards program. You don’t accumulate professional achievements and automatically qualify for a relationship with whomever you want.

Imagine a man announcing that he owns a successful business, earns six figures, and has his life together, then becoming offended because a woman doesn’t find him attractive. We’d tell him that women aren’t obligated to date him just because he’s successful.

And we’d be right.

So why should the principle suddenly change when the roles are reversed?

A man’s lack of interest isn’t necessarily a statement about your worth. It may simply mean you’re not compatible with him. You can be intelligent, beautiful, financially independent, and perfectly lovely while still not being the woman he wants.

That’s life.

Not everybody is going to want everybody else.

Yet some women seem determined to believe that a man who doesn’t pursue them must secretly want them but be too intimidated to act on it. It’s a remarkably convenient explanation because it allows rejection to become evidence of superiority.

He didn’t approach me because I’m too successful. He didn’t ask me out because I’m too independent. He didn’t pursue me because he couldn’t handle my standards.

Or — and stay with me here — he wasn’t interested.

Not every man who declines to pursue you is secretly trembling at the thought of your greatness. Some men are confident enough to know what they want and walk away from what they don’t.

Harsh, but we would tell many of our sisters to do the exact thing.

“Don’t settle, Queen!”

“Know what you want, Queen!”

“You can do all bad by yourself, Queen!”

If a man doesn’t chase you, you have two choices: accept that he isn’t interested and move on, or invent an elaborate psychological explanation that makes his rejection feel less personal.

The first option requires emotional maturity. The second gives you a temporary ego boost and absolutely no useful information about what happened.

Men have that same right.

You don’t have to agree with his preferences, and you certainly don’t have to pursue someone who doesn’t appreciate you. But you also don’t get to declare that his standards are invalid simply because you don’t meet them.

So, ladies, perhaps we should stop diagnosing every uninterested man as insecure. Sometimes a man isn’t intimidated by your independence, your income, or your standards.

Sometimes he has standards of his own.

I know, such a wild thought.

And sometimes, unfortunately for our egos, being a great woman doesn’t mean you’ll be every man’s type.

You can still know your worth. You can still be proud of everything you’ve accomplished. Just remember that self-worth doesn’t require universal desirability.

He’s allowed not to want you.

You’re allowed not to want him.

And neither of you needs a psychological disorder to explain it.