Why Am I Still Single?

I speak to many single people, and I’m starting to notice a few trends with those who remain “chronically” single — and I’m not talking about people who prefer to be single. I’m talking about people who really, really want to be in a relationship and are actively searching for a partner.

1. People don’t seem to be able to flirt! Flirting is an age-old dance between prospective partners. It’s not just a way to communicate interest, but it’s a way to gauge whether you’re on the same wavelength — you know, check the sense of humour, test one another’s intelligence levels, interests and reference points. It’s a way to figure out how well you can get along. It’s supposed to be fun and engaging. But some people treat this important step either like a formal interview or spam the person with porn as a way to proposition their date for sex. Let me be clear, engaging your date in a kind of formal / informal understanding is not the same thing as flirting. Now I think about it, flirting has become a little lost on some people. It can range from simple eye contact and smiling to subtle innuendos and, for the more advanced, outright spicy messages. But the levels of spice and the ability to understand flirting have been lost completely on some people.
2. Expectation Pressure. By the time people come to me, they have been let down in love many times, have got borderline depression, huge anxiety and have put a huge amount of hidden pressure on future dates. Everyone that shows them any kind of interest can become an obsession. Not of the person, but of the relationship potential that could exist there. Sometimes it’s not even quiet! The louder it is, the further away that person will run. Because there’s nothing worse than a desperate singleton looking for love. If there’s one thing I always try to instil, it’s to relax and be happy within yourself.
3. High Stress Baseline. One thing that always stands out to me is the anxiety and stress tolerance of single people looking for love. They are often operating in a state of survival mode, and this can manifest in a couple of ways. They have a hard time listening to what’s being said, often interrupting or asking questions about information that has already been given. (This might explain why subtle flirting completely goes over their head). Their stress can block their ability to pick up on social cues, be empathetic or simply appear present. A person with anxiety or depression can often appear dissociative to others, which is not a good look when you’re trying to make connections.
4. Being Single Too Long. It’s a curse and a blessing. People who have never had a serious long-term relationship often behave very oddly to those who are in settled relationships. Even if you had been in a long-term relationship in the past, if you have been single for an extended period, you too can come across as being ‘different’. Those nice guys become 'weirdos'. Sometimes it’s about maturity, but it’s also about priorities and life experiences. As people move through life, it can become harder and harder to find common ground with others, whether it’s a family member, your best friend, neighbour or a new date. I often hear from singletons about their frustration with others — complaints that often stem from a lack of understanding of the priorities of others. When you’re single, you don’t need to consult with or consider the needs and feelings of others; you don’t need to arrange your day, week or month around the lives of others. Indeed, if you’re single with no co-parent to contend with or children to care for, it’s very difficult to identify with a person who might need to cancel last minute because they couldn’t get a babysitter or to understand why someone might need to have a night to themselves because they are juggling a full-time job, parenting, maintaining friendships and possibly caring for parents.
5. They think everyone has a perfect relationship (and life). I find that their ideas about relationships are almost fairytale-like. Not to say that they are idealising storybook romances or movie love stories, but they have a false idea about what it means to be in a relationship. They will either cling onto the ‘wrong’ person or walk away from a decent one because they are chasing the ‘high’ they get from a new person. You see, it’s often the way that the person makes you feel that you get attached to, rather than feeling love for another person. Rather than seeking to build something stable that lasts, I notice chronically single people idealise their own lives to a point that is impossible for others to live up to their expectations. Rather than working on creating their perfect life for themselves, they expect someone else to do it for them. (Which of course is a huge demand to put onto another person.)
6. Loose Adaptability. I have been saying this more and more recently – the older a person gets, the less adaptable to another person they get. Now of course, personal situations matter here, but as a rule of thumb, if a person has lived by themselves, no dependents, no partner, up to say 35–40, they will struggle to adapt to living with someone else — no matter who it is or how special that person is to them. Having your own space and your own mental space is hugely addictive, and suddenly loosing that can lead to frustration, irritation and ultimately resentment towards your partner.