A Letter From Sharon

Mine is a long, complicated story that could fill pages and pages of details—a great read for those who like titillating stories of sex, secrets, and lies—but that will have to wait for another time.

New to this publication, I came across several points of view, and it is astonishing to me how much there is to say about the subject. Being both the "other woman" and the woman who found out later that her husband had an affair gives me a unique perspective. I won't go into specific details, but here are the things I wished I had known before having an affair, and what I subsequently learned after finding out my husband had an affair (years before my own confession).

By then, it was too late. We both learned a lot and ended up with other people after 25 years of marriage. I guess we both had issues with communication, married young, grew apart, and so the story goes …

If you're unhappy or unfulfilled (either sexually or emotionally) and have unmet needs, make them known and verbally express them.

Don't expect your partner to be a mind reader, and don't use manipulation or other tactics. There is nothing worse than finding out your husband or wife was having an affair when you could have changed. Some people don't want to change or don't know how to change—herein lies the problem.

In my experience, I did that. I tried to explain my deep need to be communicated with, appreciated, and connected with emotionally, but maybe not enough. In hindsight, I think I gave up, and someone else was there. Lesson number one: Pay attention, really pay attention, if you want your marriage to work. Or you will soon find yourself divorced and scratching your head, saying to yourself, "What happened?" You know what happened … you stopped trying.

2. Leave your marriage sooner than you think if you really are unhappy and don’t see it working out.

The damage done by keeping the affair going gets worse as time goes on. If you have tried and opened up your heart and mind, be honest with yourself. Is it the excitement around secretly meeting up? Is it the real connection you feel? Is it a relief you get from being away from your spouse? Is it purely the sex? Be extremely honest with yourself. In my experience, there were a lot of those, but I didn't recognize it at the time. I was just caught up in it. Save yourself a lot of anguish and leave sooner—or don't leave and end the affair.

3. If you're in a sexless marriage and not happy about that, especially with young kids, be very, very kind to that person.

You made those kids somehow, so some sort of sex happened. Many women would say that after having children, it took years to regain their confidence again. Men, please be patient! A sexual affair is just sex. Women, own up to your part in this, too. But men, generally speaking, you have a mother of children at home longing to know she matters, not just sexually.

4. Usually, a marriage has many broken bits long before an affair starts. The person who is left wondering what happened and why their husband or wife cheated really needs to take a look at themselves. It's not a pretty picture sometimes, but let's be real … perhaps it was you. Again, in my experience, my ex-husband and I discussed this years later, and he admitted there were things he would have changed about himself—and he did (anger, avoidance, immaturity, and a lack of communication). Mind you, it was too late; I had already had the affair and filed for divorce, but he did manage to move on and not become bitter. We have a pretty good relationship now, 15 years later (we were married for 25).

On the contrary, my affair partner's wife held a deep hatred, and it subsequently ate at her. We tried to be friendly, and I was a stepmother to her children. It wasn't perfect, but it worked until it didn't. She sadly passed away at sixty years of age due to alcohol abuse. Obviously, there were signs of a broken relationship well before the affair started, but she remained stuck. This does no one any good—herself, the kids, or the family. I'm not saying it's easy, but healing is possible.

5. Come clean with everyone! I mean everyone. If you are able to make an effort to make amends with everyone you hurt along the way, do it. Being honest with yourself is number one, and being honest with others is number two, especially with your children if they are old enough to understand. Many families are torn apart because the person who had an affair (whether they left the marriage or stayed) cannot understand why they are estranged or disliked by the family. You need to own up to your mistakes. The only two who really know what happened are the two in the marriage, but the others are collateral damage. Yes, you don’t owe an explanation and details, but perhaps an acknowledgement or apology for the betrayal they felt.

I think what happened to me and my story is unique in many ways, but also common in others. The common threads are unmet needs, poor communication, and a lack of paying attention. My life has taken a path; choices were made, and in the end, it didn't have too many catastrophic consequences. However, I still would have done a few things differently.

Hope this helps someone.

-Sharon Lampe