Coping with Bereavement

The first person I knew closely and lost 
to death was my 19-year old cousin, 
Deji Aina. 
Deji was an amazing human being! 
I know people tend to say this of those 
that have passed but I am sure everyone 
who came in contact with him can 
corroborate this truth! 
He was very easy going and was liked by 
everyone to my knowledge. 
He was a model child and gave his 
parents no trouble! 
He was very brilliant and won numerous 
awards in secondary school. 
I think we first bonded over the fact that 
he told me he also wanted to study 
Elect/Elect Engineering at the University 
of Lagos as I was doing at the time. 
He changed his mind and ended up 
studying Accounting at UNILAG, and 
he had a first class CGPA before his illness. 
I remember when my mum told me
 he had Leukemia - cancer of the bone 
marrow. 
A few weeks to his exams, he had 
complained about severe pain and was 
taken to LASUTH hospital when he wasn’t 
getting better. 
He was diagnosed with Anaemia at the 
time and admitted into the hospital. 
But despite all the medication he was 
being given, his condition wasn’t 
improving. 
I went to see him in the hospital and 
we talked and laughed over what now, 
I cannot remember. 
It was on my way out with my mum 
that she told me the doctors found out 
later that he had Leukemia not Anaemia 
and would need to be flown to the 
abroad for better treatment. 
His parents did not tell him this until 
after he traveled.
I did not understand how a healthy 
and brilliant 19-year old boy could be 
diagnosed with Cancer out of the blues! 
Leukemia is hereditary but there’s no 
history of the illness in his parents’ lineage. 
I was a bible reading fanatic at the 
time so when I stumbled on the 
scripture that says of Lazarus’ illness 
in John 11:4 KJV “This sickness is not 
unto death, but for the glory of God, 
that the Son of God might be glorified 
thereby” 
I latched onto it as my word for Deji 
and was fully convinced he wasn’t 
going to die from the illness- instead 
he would get well and God would use 
his recovery to win many souls for him. 
And so I asked his mum for his email 
address and sent him encouraging 
scriptures. 
I would ask for him to be prayed for 
at my house fellowship. 
I sowed a seed of thanksgiving for 
his recovery at church. 
I would wake up in the middle of the 
night to praise God with singing and 
dancing in gratitude for healing him.
And then one morning in April 2012, 
while I lay on my mum’s bed, she 
received a phone call that made her 
gasp in horror! 
At the end of the phone call, I asked 
her what was wrong and she replied: 
“Deji ti ku” (Deji is dead). 
It takes a while for bad news to hit 
me so I closed my eyes like I did not 
understand what she said. 
And then I started to think “Oh maybe 
wanted to do an even bigger miracle 
of resurrection instead of just healing”. 
And then I remembered I had a relative 
who wasn’t really doing well as he’d 
dropped out of secondary school and 
was in his late 50s at the time. 
I am ashamed to say the thought that 
came strongly into my mind and refused 
to leave was “why did he not die 
instead of Deji. Deji had such a promising 
future in front of him while this man 
didn’t seem to be making much out of 
his life. 
Why should God keep him alive and 
let Deji die instead? 
Why not take his life and let Deji live?” 
For weeks after his death,  I was so 
angry at God! I believed he was wicked 
and had deceived me by sending me 
that scripture of Deji’s sickness not 
being unto death. I couldn’t pray and 
my faith was very badly shaken! 
It was my house fellowship members 
that helped me heal during this period. 
I remember going to see his family with 
my mum and I couldn’t even say a word. 
I just sat on my chair, cleaning the 
stupid tears that refused to stay back 
in my eyes and thinking what a strong 
woman my aunty, his mum was. 
I had forgotten about this incident 
until a few weeks ago when I read a 
book about a young mum who lost 
her only son at age 5 in a freak accident. 
At his burial, she was so angry at the 
normality with which people were 
talking and eating while she grieved 
the loss of her son. 
And when her eyes fell on her 
90-something-year-old in-law 
Who had undergone procedures that 
no one believed he would survive, 
she wished he had died instead of 
her son! 
And that’s when it hit me that wishing 
other people dead instead of the loved 
one you just lost is an absolutely normal 
reaction to grief! It doesn’t mean you’re 
playing God and believing you get to 
choose who lives and who dies, it just 
means you miss your loved one and 
want them alive and well.

Firecracker Toyeen