How To Identify and Deal With Spiritual Abuse

When the pastor of my former church finally retires, he will leave in his wake a trail of damaged and hurting people. In fact, if you were to make a church out of the people who have left his church — down through the years — broken, confused, and devastated, you would have a much larger church than the mediocre and medium-sized one he will leave behind.

He has never been held to account because he lacks the kind of public profile that demands accountability. He has been able to fly under the radar, so to speak. But the patterns of behaviour are similar.

The chief goal of his leadership was to maintain power and control at all costs, and it didn’t matter how many people were hurt in the process.

This is one of the hallmarks of spiritual abuse.

Before I go on, for the purposes of this article, let me explain what I mean by spiritual abuse.

Unfortunately, spiritual abuse is not a crime or legal violation, but it definitely falls into the category of spiritual malpractice. In a nutshell, spiritual abuse occurs when someone manipulates and controls others through the use of religion, faith, or belief systems.

This article gives some specific examples of spiritual abuse, but to sum it up succinctly, it involves techniques such as gaslighting (making people question their reality), stifling voices through imposed hierarchies or claims of spiritual authority, enforcing rigid adherence to specific doctrines and practices, and resorting to methods like shaming, shunning, or legalistic moralising to enforce behavioural codes or morality.

In plenty of other churches, abuses of power by church leaders are often overlooked because, well… it seems wrong to challenge the Lord’s anointed.

Sometimes it seems that the most difficult place to convince someone that they ought to repent is the church. And, what is more, within the church, the most difficult person to convince that they ought to repent is the pastor. There is too much at stake for him to admit that he needs to change his style and accept responsibility for the damage he is causing.

What a sad indictment.

What to expect when you confront a spiritual abuser

Therefore, when spiritual abusers are exposed or called out for their behaviour, do not expect them to meekly submit and repent. Typically, spiritual abusers believe that they are justified in their actions and can resort to using some or all of the following strategies to escape being held accountable:

But I am more spiritually mature.

Spiritual abusers leverage their apparent spiritual maturity as a reason to dismiss the victim’s complaint. They can also use their — apparently — more sophisticated knowledge of the Bible to position themselves above critique.

The church should live in unity.

When confronted by a complaint, the abusive church leader may resort to using rhetoric about how the church should be united. They may even bring out certain Bible passages about unity in the church to justify silencing the victim.

This is an attack from Satan.

When in doubt, blame the Devil! You can imagine a church leader saying, “This is an attack from Satan,” therefore removing responsibility from themselves and placing it squarely on the shoulders of an invisible enemy.

In fact, spiritual abusers may appeal to the work of evil spirits as an explanation for the victim’s complaints. They may label the accusations against them as some kind of spiritual attack.

Everyone is sinful

Even if the spiritually abusive leader accepts that they have erred, they may try to convince people that their abuse isn’t really that bad, since everyone is sinful. Why should they expect anything different from their rather human pastor? In so doing, the spiritual abuser is actually exploiting the doctrine of sin and fallenness to excuse or minimise the severity of their own behaviour.

Jesus commands us to forgive.

If you don’t forgive, you will not be forgiven. People who bring complaints are reminded that Jesus said this. This is merely an attempt to exploit the doctrines of forgiveness and reconciliation to demand that a victim forgive the abuse, even if there has been no real repentance — and often there isn’t.

You’re just bitter.

If you are unable to move on or forgive — which would be a more than reasonable thing, really — spiritual abusers may insinuate that your ongoing hurts are the result of ungodly bitterness or resentment. I have personally been described as this way for my grievances against the church, even though the church refuses to acknowledge or address them.

Don’t listen to them!

Spiritual abusers may try to isolate their victims socially by spreading harmful or damaging rumours or even suggesting to others that continuing contact with the victim may somehow lead them astray.

What would you do without me?

Spiritual abusers might attempt to make themselves appear so vital to significant ministries that people, not wanting to feel responsible for their possible collapse, keep their complaints to themselves.

No one will believe you.

Spiritual abusers manipulate others to think highly of them but little of the victim, making the victim feel like they wouldn’t have any support if they did expose the abuse. Spiritual abusers lie to the victim about how they are regarded by the Christian community, isolating them from possible sources of support.

The pressure of the job is getting to me.

Spiritual abusers may even use the busyness, stress, pressures, or responsibilities of ministry to excuse abuse. They may bemoan that their inappropriate behaviour is a result of the ‘pressures of the job', making the victim feel that their complaints are unreasonable or harsh.

I’m the real victim here!

Above all, spiritual abusers like to paint themselves as a long-suffering or patiently enduring martyr — the victim of an erratic and emotionally immature person, undermining the real victim’s credibility whilst underscoring theirs.

Confronting the abuse

One of the sure signs that you are actually dealing with a ‘man of God’ is that when you confront them about their behaviour, they will actually listen to you, own the offence, apologise to you, and make plans to address their behaviour.

If they deny, explain away, deflect, or dismiss, then that’s a sure sign that you are dealing with someone who is much more invested in preserving their own position and maintaining power and control than in the real work of the church.

I don’t want you to be naïve about it. Just like when you corner a dog, when you confront an abuser, unfortunately, you can expect a fight. But, if your church chooses to dismiss your concerns, then walk away. Shake the dust from your feet and start again somewhere else.

There is no place for abuse of any kind in Churches. It needs to be called out for what it is. It is the silent epidemic that plagues our churches, and it is time for it to stop.