Re: Letter From Lagos (2)

Good morning Sir! I know you are quite busy and I know how Tuesdays are for you but I hope you read this and reply when you can. Thank you, sir! 

Your post about the woman having feelings of discontent really resonated with me. Every time these feelings rise up, I chalk it up to ingratitude and I try to overcome them. But it really got worse this year. For the first time in my life, I started developing lustful feelings. I've never been crazy about sex in fact I prefer to do without it. I jokingly tell people that if God would allow us to erase one thing from existence, I would choose sex. But I don't allow this to affect my marriage, I don't deny my husband sex but I have never enjoyed it. I don't even know what an orgasm feels like. We've been married for 11 years and my husband is a great, godly, kind, and patient man. 

I noticed the issue started with me feeling unfulfilled in my career. I once discussed with you how I was forced to study law by my father. Well... I planned to veer off completely after university. I planned not going to law school but wanted to for a master's in another field so I would never have to practice law. But my trajectory completely changed when I decided to get married immediately after university. In fact, I got married the day I submitted my project to the faculty of law, at the University of Ibadan at the age of 25.

 Afterward, my husband persuaded me to go to law school to please my dad while promising me that I wouldn't have to practice. The story changed 2 years later when he made me relocate to Port Harcourt. I was out of a paying job for almost 9 years( I took up jobs volunteering as a Mediator and later as a teacher). It was in the 9th year I was forced to pick up a job as a legal counsel. In retrospect, I built up quite a lot of resentment against my husband over the years. It doesn't help, that I think he has sabotaged my progress indirectly sometimes.

 I went back to the University of Ibadan for my LLM in 2017 but he asked me to come back to Port Harcourt when our daughter kept falling sick( she was with me in Ibadan). I've also resented him for being the reason I'm stuck at a job I detest because I can't get other options. 

Over and over, I wish I had asked him to wait for me while I did a master's but I was scared that if I ventured into the world, I would meet other men and probably disappoint him and my conscience wouldn't allow that. Plus, he was already in his late 30s and had been waiting for me. I just couldn't live with that on my conscience. I wished over and over again that I had waited, discovered my purpose, and planned my life before marriage. 

I wish we had discussions about our goals, ambitions, and plans of relocation ( I never planned to stay in Nigeria) during courtship, but we never did all that. Never, did I think I would be stuck in the backwoods with almost zero career fulfillment. Instead, we were busy fighting my parents and various prophets who prophesied doom. In fact, they gave us less than 5 years to stay married. They prophesied that we would either be divorced by then or one of us would be dead. For the first time, my feelings of discontent turned sexual this year. I have never minded being sexually unsatisfied but I think I got to a point where I became so frustrated with my career that I decided that since I'm stuck at a job I hate and I can't see a way out maybe I should stop fixating on it and just focus on something else. 

Unfortunately, the other area of my life where I feel like a failure is in the bedroom. I thank God that I'm not the bold or outgoing type so the opportunity would not even present itself plus I'm sexually repressed but I still feel guilty nonetheless. 

Through all these, he never seems to notice what is going on with me or perhaps just pretends not to. The few times I've discussed my feelings of resentment, he ended up preaching to me and brushing them aside. Your post came just in the nick of time and has served as a wake-up call. I have to handle this like a child of God and not as an emotional person. My emotions are fickle and temporary but my walk with God is forever. 

I made a vow to my husband 11 years ago and I plan to stand by it. I will not allow resentment and what could have been to destroy what we've built. My husband and kids are worth the fight. My focus right now is getting a new job and discovering God's purpose for me. 

P.S. I couldn't engage on Twitter because for some reason which I don't know Twitter doesn't allow me to engage on posts.