Re: Letter From Lagos (1)
I saw the Letter from Lagos posted on X on the 21st of October. I know the lady who sent in the story might feel as if she is alone in the way things turned out for her, she is not.
I am writing this to make her see that there are many ladies and gentlemen in her shoes. Society does not see people in this sort of reality as the norm but that does not mean their feelings are to be taken for granted or their experiences invalidated.
I know ladies whose childhood affected how they see marriage as an institution and as a result of that subconsciously made up their minds never to get married or surrender their independence.
When such ladies get married, the marriages do not last because they will find themselves in a constant internal struggle. They feel as if they have betrayed their values and determination to make it independent of the traditional institution of marriage and its demands.
Women don't all want the same thing, some want to be married, some want to be the best in their careers, some want to be co-parents without marriage, some want to be second wives, some want to be side chicks, some want to be single parents, some want to adopt children, some want to have children but cannot due to their low pain threshold, some only got married for the safety and comfort marriage offers and not really so that they can make a difference in the lives of their partners.
I know ladies who got married simply to advance their careers. It would be naive to assume that people go into marriages only to settle down with their partners, make babies, and attend church services where they show off how compliant and conforming they are. It goes without saying that marriage is not what it once was and no longer means what it once meant.
The world has changed, and we all must acknowledge and adjust to that walking into a marriage, discovering it was a mistake, and walking out of the marriage is allowed.
Walking into a marriage, discovering you have made a mistake, and digging in to make the marriage work is also allowed. One may seem nobler than the other but it is not always one size fits all.
I for one had abandonment issues as a child, my father got my mother pregnant and didn't accept the pregnancy until I was five. When I was five years old, he came to our house and paid off my mother for all the money she had spent on me, he also offered her a lot of money towards her business and took me away from her.
My Father was a rich and powerful man If he wanted something, he would have it, I like that in a woman but I find it offensive in a man. Anyway, I grew up with my father because he wanted me to have the best life with all the right opportunities to become great in life and my mother couldn't offer me that because of her background and the fact that she was not educated or of his class.
My mum was a non-literate lady my father slept with while half drunk on one of the evenings he spent in the village during the 1985 Christmas season. My mother wanted to use my pregnancy to trap him into marrying into wealth, but my father was smarter than that (I also find this trait admirable in women and offensive in men) I do not like foolish men or weak men but I hate them being smart, domineering and powerful to the extent that they will have their way and make the woman in their lives (such as my mother who obviously just wanted a chance at a better life) look like gold diggers or manipulators.
It wouldn't have killed my father to marry my mother, educate her, and build her up to his standard. What other cry for help could there be than for a young woman who is 19 years old and from a very poor family to get pregnant for a privileged and rich 22-year-old guy and insist on keeping the baby? The right thing for my father to have done was to marry her and take her out of poverty. He didn't he could sleep with a product of poverty but he drew the line at lifting that product of poverty into wealth. I find it unsettling that women have to take whatever men dished at them but men can walk out of any unpleasant relationship or marriage either directly or indirectly through cheating on their spouses (I know women also do this but it is usually for other reasons like money or dissatisfaction) For men, they just do it because they can. There seems to be no logic to it or reason for it Godly women are cheated on, and ungodly women are cheated on, for men, it is just the way they are wired.
I have friends who became second, third, fourth, and fifth wives by choice, they claim it is a choice but I know it is for money. Women do this all the time Men don't become fourth husbands because the lady they are marrying is beautiful. We all know what a woman has to trade is her beauty, what a man has to trade is his wealth.
It is unfair in my opinion that the value of beauty is so transient whereas wealth when managed with wisdom can last from generation to generation. This naturally puts women at a disadvantage when it comes to decision-making regarding marriage.
Men seem to have no boundaries or rules, women seemed forever bound to the man in every way.
Now many can argue that women are taking half or all of a man's wealth in many countries according to the law, and they claim this then evens the table regarding marriage and fidelity, It is not a deterrent.
Since those laws, which usually affect the poor, average, and slightly above-average folks came into effect, divorce rates have steadily risen. Men can give you all they have now and then go ahead to make billions after the divorce. They will go ahead and build new houses, buy new cars, and marry a younger and more beautiful woman while the woman who got the money will come to realise that it is almost no consolation at the end of the day.
You can see why I am not married. I am thirty-nine years old and even though my mother is on my case to get married or just have children so that I do not end up a lonely old hag, I just find it too unfair to step into a space where I am very disadvantaged.
If I had gotten married, I would have made life unpleasant for whoever I got married to just like the lady in your story. I am not saying she is exactly like me. I am saying she may have her own reasons but the result would still have been the same. We all can't be sheep accepting and conforming to evolution and culture.
It is okay to be a predator too, even if you are a woman.
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