A Letter from Lagos

We live in a world where the wise have learned to keep quiet so that the foolish can freely express their opinions and learn the consequences of their foolishness through experience. It used to be that the wise would help the foolish with a bit of wisdom so that the foolish would be spared the pain of learning the hard way. It is no longer so, the foolish do not need the help of the wise anymore, what he or she must learn will be learned over time.

This is my story, I was happily married my husband was a loving and devoted husband, an engineer by profession, he is a quiet almost introverted, and deeply caring. We were both not from very rich backgrounds but my husband had a glorious dream and was determined to break into wealth within the first ten years of our marriage.

He started a business with some friends of his right in our sitting room. The three other guys contributed their expertise in one way or another but he was the main ideas man and the website began to bring in money within a year.

I work as a nurse, I didn't really have to work but I knew I would be bored sitting at home plus I wanted to have my own money. My mother had drummed it into all her children that a woman without her own money is not better than a slave serving a master so I worked and I got to keep my own money.

We have three children, all boys the children were all well-behaved. My husband does not really go out of the house, his job with the American firm he had a contract with was remote. The rest of his free time he spent on his personal business which he was determined would become a global brand within ten years.

He was not too consumed by his work to make time for me and the children. We went swimming every Saturday at any hotel of our choosing, we spend the whole day at the hotel, eating, swimming, walking, and doing the gym and we usually return home very late on Saturday night or in the evening Sundays are for grills and family games. He supervised the children's homework daily as I said he was the best husband a woman could ever dream of.

I, however, was restless in the marriage I felt my life was wasting away in a routine manner I couldn't explain why I felt this way I just felt that way I felt like there was a life out there that I ought to be living which would be more fun in a way I cannot explain.

My husband did not understand these feelings whenever I tried to explain them to him. He would tell me I was suffering from ingratitude. "It is not every lady that can boast of what you have been given by God so easily" He would say. "You have a husband who loves you by the time you were 28, you had children without praying and fasting. You were done giving birth by the age of 34, you have a great career, you are fit and back in shape, your family is healthy and even though we may not be super rich at the moment, there is nothing you desire under the heaven that you don't have" His words were true I also think of those things in my pondering moments and I feel I should be settled and happy with all the good things that I can see in my life.

My husband not only gives me a good amount for my monthly upkeep for the month, but he does the same for our parents.

I worked and all I did was save because we had more than enough, the food we eat and groceries are supplied monthly through one of my husband's apps. The app was developed to connect people with their grocery needs with one click, you order everything you need on the app, pay and the groceries will be picked up and delivered to your doorstep.

My husband bought me two cars and when I complained about the road one day, he employed a driver for me. I had everything why was I not satisfied? Why did I feel a sort of discontentment all the time? I really could not say something just always felt as if it was missing in my life.

I went for a course in Dubai in 2017 I felt it was time to start travelling out of Nigeria I didn't need the course for anything, I just needed the adventure I felt that perhaps seeing the world would cure me of my weariness.

While in Dubai I met a journalist from Kenya, He came for a course sponsored by an international Journalists Support NGO and we met by the pool bar on top of the hotel. We got talking for a bit, just chats and what have you then he smiled and asked if I would like to sleep with him I mean, I was thirty-five years old and I had never met a guy who was so bold and almost intrusively direct in my life.

I wanted to tell him no but somehow I found myself short of words he kept staring at me intently with mischief swimming in his eyes I told him I was busy at that time. He asked me what I was doing that was keeping me busy I was sitting at a bar, alone, dressed like a "pick me" lady.

I guess I was disappointed nobody took the bait the first three days I didn't articulate it or think about it that way but I didn't think I would fly all the way to Dubai and sit by myself all day for two weeks I am a woman, I am beautiful and I've still got it even after three children.

There should be some degree of attention gained by yours truly and I should be the one telling the attentive person that I am married and not available. Maybe it was a mid-life crisis, although I have had it since I got married, that feeling that I could have done better with my life if I got married to someone else or if I dated some other people before settling for my husband don't get me wrong, I dated plenty and went through that phase where one gets tired of waking up beside different faces and to different attitudes to that phase where it seems guys got tired of you and none would come around to say hello, so you end up claiming you have suddenly gone celibate, to the point where I told myself I was ready to get married and then I met my husband.

Why I sat at that bar, smiling like a crossed beam, I cannot explain. The guy saw that I was interested he must have sensed it he said "We don't have to have penetrative sex, we could order drinks, get naked, I give you head and you give head and we get to know each other" I picked up my purse and said okay.

We went to his room, I was wearing my Afro wig, pink undies, and a black short gown. I really liked how I looked I spent time admiring myself in the mirror while dressing up. His interest was a testament of sorts what am I prattling on about? Anyway, we got to his room. He asked for my name and he told me his we kissed for a bit, laughed for a bit, and kissed again, and then he got on the bed. I moved close to him and he flicked off my wig.

Underneath the wig, I had braided my short-cropped hair he smiled and I found myself thinking, let me just do this until he climaxes then I will go off to my room I got on it, and it went on and on, and I started wondering if he would ever climax then he asked if he could touch me. All these while I was fully dressed I adjusted so that he could touch me and from there, all my clothes got blown away by the wings of his fingers. The next thing I knew, we were having sex, it was not normal sex, it was a marathon I think I spent about ninety minutes in his room It was wild and the guilt that followed was crazy. I felt dirty when I got to my room, I soaked myself in the bathtub and did a mixture of laughter and crying. Maybe I was just going through some mental issues at the time, sex with my husband was not terrible we have extremely good sex.

The one I had with the Kenyan felt like punishment at a point I didn't climax, despite the fact that it lasted that long I felt terrible and at the same time, I felt it was justified based on the trip I had and the fun I had equally hoped to have on the trip. Lest I forget, we used a condom, several condoms I was not senseless, just careless Of course, I slept with him again and again for the next week.

The dam had broken, and there was nothing to stop the flood I returned to Nigeria and resolved to make it up to my husband somehow I also promised myself I would never cheat again. There was nothing in it, I couldn't revel in the memory and I would rather delete every impression of it in my mind. When I arrived home, I expected my husband to somehow suspect especially after making love to me. Men used to say they knew how they left it and if anyone tampers with it they would know. It was seriously tempered with and my husband had no clue, I was disappointed I didn't want a fight or any form of confrontation but it seemed to me like my husband was too easy to fool and I didn't like that I didn't respect him enough not to cheat on him I didn't fear him enough to want to keep it from him. He did not love me enough to notice that I had slept with someone else. Was that really a marriage?

I called my sister-in-law and told her I was contemplating a divorce she asked me why and I told her the whole story I knew she would tell her husband and my husband would hear about it.

The following day, my husband and I were home when his brother and my sister-in-law arrived at our house. The matter was tabled and I explained that I wanted to explain the challenges I had in the marriage but I kept getting ignored or brushed aside and for that reason, I did what I did I know it sounded foolish now, but it didn't seem so when I was trying to explain it.

My husband filed for divorce the following week, I planned to deny everything but they recorded everything I said during that confrontation. I didn't even imagine that was a thing. I opted for an out-of-court settlement when I realised my husband was ready to play the recording in court. I got divorced, my husband kept the children, I got visiting rights, and all I needed was time to sort myself out and start all over again.

Things gradually settled down over time and I am fine now. The challenge is this, that feeling of discontentment left me as soon as I lost my marriage.

I have dated other guys since the divorce but none of them wanted marriage. To be candid I am not sure I wanted to be married too I long for some form of commitment and serious intentions from a guy so that I won't be a serial monogamist of sorts.

All the guys I have met have their own demons that they are dealing with, some wanted to tumble in the hay and go on their merry way some wanted to tumble in the hay, get some refreshments off me and then go on their merry way, some wanted to tumble in the hay, get some refreshments, get a job through me or spend my savings or get a ticket for their trip abroad and then go on their merry way.

Being alone at forty is no fun I think I got married too early, maybe if I waited till I was thirty-five I would have appreciated what I had and I would have done everything in my power to keep it.

My ex-husband has done excellently well with the children, they are all grown up now and the first is already in secondary school I once hoped my ex-husband would forgive me and maybe come asking for my hand in marriage again but I perished the thought immediately.

My ex-husband is a man of strong determination, since the divorce, he had not set his eyes on me, and all our communications had been through lawyers. If I could flip the coin, I would even though I somehow think that my self-sabotage is inevitable. I don't know if you have ever seen something like that before or if it is unique to me.

A friend gave me a novel titled Daddy when I shared my story with her I read it and the story of the woman written there seems a bit like mine but not exactly. This is why I am writing to you, sir Is it a spiritual issue? Was it that I felt trapped within the marriage and wanted to be free? Why did the feeling of unrest and unsettledness disappear after my divorce?
God bless you, sir.
Tanya Sobowale, Lagos