The Debt of Being the Person Who Understands Everyone

People often come to you with their problems because you listen well.

You know who is struggling at work, whose marriage is difficult, who is worried about a parent, and who is trying to make a major decision.

Being trusted feels good. The problem starts when being the person people confide in turns into feeling responsible for what happens next.

Their situation keeps playing at the back of your mind while you’re doing your own work. You think about what they should do. You wonder whether they are okay. You start looking for solutions they haven’t asked you to provide.

At some point, listening has turned into mental responsibility. You have information about their problem, so your mind starts treating it as something you’re supposed to resolve.

Knowing about someone’s problem doesn’t make it your responsibility.

What to do instead

After a difficult conversation, ask: “Did I listen to this person, or did I take ownership of their problem?”

If the problem belongs to them, let it remain with them.

You can care about someone without continuing to manage their situation in your head.

What to do instead

Ask: “What do I already know, even though I don’t like what it means?”

Write the answer down.

Then separate what you know from how you feel about acting on it.

You don’t need to feel comfortable before taking a necessary step.