Things You’ll Learn After Divorce

6 Unfortunate Truths You’ll Learn After Divorce

There’s nothing easy about divorce.

It’s a life-altering decision. One that announces the failure of something you hoped, once upon a time, would last until “death do us part.”

I once heard a comedian say that there are no happy endings in marriage, as it either ends in death or divorce.

So, while it might have felt like part of your life ended with the conclusion of your marriage, you will go on

But you’ll learn some uncomfortable truths along the way. Or, at least, you should.

There are those individuals who hop directly from their marriage to another relationship without taking a breath. As someone who is not a therapist or a psychologist and has zero formal training it’s my strong belief that this is not healthy.

You need time to reflect, to decompress. You need time to mourn. Because, in many ways, the end of a relationship is the death of something that was living and breathing. It’s not possible to learn and grow when immediately skipping off to another relationship.

And even if it wasn’t, in the end, a great relationship, if it was toxic or the person truly wasn’t your better half, the only way to discover certain truths and to make yourself better is to take a step back.

Just how long? Well, that’s up to you. There’s not exactly an emotions traffic controller standing at an avenue of reflection and healing, waving you through from one side to the next. If you’re like me, you might think you’re being waved through, but instead you’re on a collision course with a Mac truck. Because there’s no clear playbook for these kinds of things.

However, in my experience, these are some of the uncomfortable but necessary truths you’ll discover after divorce.

1. You’re Also to Blame

My wife cheated on me. Twice (that I know of). After the first time, I did still love her. I mean, you don’t just go from love to hate like a light switch. It takes time for love to drain away. I wanted things to work because love was still there. But when it happened again, I knew it wasn’t possible.

Who knows? Maybe she wanted out after the first time, wasn’t strong enough to tell me, and used the second time to hammer the point home. I don’t know, and, honestly, it no longer matters. She decided to step out and do her own thing. That’s on her, and for years, I pinned the entire fault of our failed marriage on her back.

But the reality is, some of the blame is also on me. This isn’t a fifty-fifty split kind of situation, because that’s not how life works. But I understand there are things I could have done differently. I don’t know if, in the end, it would have changed the eventual outcome. Probably not. But I likely played a hand in her drifting away.

I moved her a thousand miles from her family and friends. In the beginning, I tried to help her make friends, but that only went so far. I assumed she was happy being friends with the girlfriends of my lifelong buddies and the people she worked with. I don’t remember if I ever asked, though I probably didn’t.

I worked a good deal. I told myself it was to pay for a wedding, and then for a down payment on a nice house. I told her once we had the house, I’d pull back on the work. She looked at me sternly and said, “No, you won’t. Because there will always be something else”

She’s probably right. I would have moved the goalposts. A vacation house, a pontoon boat, or a bigger car. I worked from home, but in a way that was probably worse. Because I was there physically but not mentally. When that happens, it can feel like you’re being neglected.

Little things, but little things every day add up. It’s not the above-the-fold headlines of “Adultry” or the spicy tabloid cover of “Wife Cheats On Husband, Pregnant With Alien Baby,” but it’s there. Chances are, if given enough time to process and digest your own divorce, you’ll see certain faults of your own.

In the end, it’s not even about trying to determine whose fault it was. That’s not going to do any good because what’s done is done. But if you can identify your own faults, you’ll know what to correct, should you find yourself in another serious relationship. There’s no reason why a failed marriage can’t help you achieve a more fulfilling relationship down the line.

2. People Will Hear Lies About You

A few months after the divorce was finalized, one of my best friends approached me with a question. “Were you cheating on her?”

It took me aback. Not at all. I told him as much.

“I didn’t think so. Besides, figured you would have told me if you had.”

Which he was right about. I would have told him. When asked, he said my former sister-in-law said my ex had been telling people that.

I’m sure she told many people that. Or at least she told a handful of people, and those people began telling others, until someone, three or four stories later, heard I’d had an affair on a purple washing machine with a monkey in the room. You know how the game of telephone goes.

I had no control over what was being said about me. Whatever made her feel better, I guess. Thankfully, when she left, we were several states apart, our paths never crossing again. So whatever lies were being spread have no real impact on me. Unless I run for political office, I’m pretty sure half of the stuff I’ve written about would disqualify me from ever doing that. I suppose, unless Penthouse ever has a cabinet-member position (which, with how politics are going these days, you never know).

This is something you’ll likely have to deal with, and, unfortunately, there’s a good chance you’ll need to remain in similar orbits due to kids or work. You might not have to regularly see each other, but your friends will likely have connections with their friends, and so lies might easily infiltrate the various groups you’re around.

All I can say is, while you can’t control what they say about you, you can control what you say about them. And even if your ex is vile and the scum of the earth, it’s best just to be the bigger person and avoid slandering them. It’s healthier, and just know that if the other person feels the need to lie about you, it’s because they are trying to drag you down to their level. Don’t let them.

3. You’ll Lose Friends

Divorce isn’t just the death of a relationship; it’s the death of certain friendships. This is especially true if the two of you shared friends and live in the same area following the divorce. Many of the friends will be forced to choose sides (especially if it was a nasty split). Some of the people you thought were your friends might end up going the other way. Perhaps on their own, or perhaps their significant other will pull them toward the other side.

Divorce has a blast radius, affecting people beyond your household. You might be surprised as to who all this affects and pushes away from you. This can also be one time when the lies that were told about you can influence how current and former friends think of you.

It’s hard to lose these friends. Especially as it happens all at once, in moments when you need to talk or have someone’s shoulder to lean on. Hopefully you’ll still have your core group of friends, but even so, it can be a blow to both your ego and your emotional well-being to see all those people walk out of your life.

4. You’ll Lose Family

This might be one of the hardest, unfortunate truths you’ll have to face after a divorce. Just because the relationship with your spouse fell apart does not mean the connection with your mother-in-law or brother-in-law failed.

For a time, I was close to my mother-in-law. She never had a son, so, at least at the time, I was the nearest thing she had to one. She was actually the first person to tell me to divorce her daughter. “Divorce her,” she told me over the phone. “You’ll never be able to trust her again.”

I did put both my ex and her mom in a difficult position. One that I probably shouldn’t have. As my mother-in-law knew about the first cheating incident and my mom didn’t, I confided in my mother-in-law because I didn’t want my mom to hate my wife if things were to work out. I figured a mom would never hate her own daughter and would ultimately always take her side, so she wouldn’t hold it against her if we remained together.

Looking back, I feel like my logic was sound, but it still wasn’t fair of me. In the end, my mother-in-law turned on me in a very stark way. She flipped on a dime and was icy cold whenever around me. Maybe it was whatever lies she was fed, or maybe it was just easier for her to push me out of her life if she treated me like shit. I don’t fault her for whatever the reasoning was. But that doesn’t make it any easier.

When we split, I lost not only a close connection with a second mother, but father figures I had appreciated, as my own dad had died a few years earlier. My ex’s dad emailed me after the divorce and said he’d always be around if I needed to talk. I took him up on that a few months later, but he failed to reply.

Again, probably for the best.

It’s an unfortunate truth, but you’ll lose family, which, just like losing friends, is a bitter pill to swallow.

5. It Will Feel Odd At First

I walked out of the courtroom on a chilly but sunny day. Cloudless — an abnormality for an early Michigan spring day. There was a bite in the air, but the crispness felt good in my lungs.

And yet, I felt odd. Numb. As if I’d just woken up from the most vivid dream and I hadn’t yet regained movement in my limbs. There was a strange sadness to it. I didn’t cry. I’d done all that months earlier, and briefly, when she plopped the ring I’d been so proud to slide onto her finger into the palm of my hand. But then, it was just… surreal.

Nothing had really changed from when I walked into the courtroom earlier in the day. She lived a thousand miles away, and she’d go back a thousand miles the next day. We hadn’t shared a bed or anything of that nature in months. And yet, there was something about the judge scribbling his name and a county clerk stamping the form that changed all of that.

It didn’t last long, though honestly I can’t tell you when it faded. Like walking through morning fog that gradually burns off and then, all of a sudden, you realize it’s gone.

6. There Will Be Things You Miss

It’s been…god…fifteen years since my divorce went final. A lifetime ago. I don’t miss her or seeing her, but there are elements that I do remember fondly. She had one of those bubbly laughs that light up a room. It was infectious. Now, I haven’t heard that since before the divorce, so it’s possible I’d run for the hills or try to escape out of a bathroom window if I suddenly heard it now. Hard to tell. Maybe I miss the idea of it more than the laugh itself.

I also miss that, for whatever reason, she’s the only person I’ve ever spooned where my bottom arm didn’t fall asleep or go numb. Not sure why. Maybe my circulation just sucks now, or I shared a bed enough times with her that I figured out the sweet spot of arm placement. Whatever the reason, the pieces just fit how they should.

A few years ago, I might have mentioned more, but time has erased parts of my past from memory. The same will be true with you. There will be little bits of your past relationship that you miss. Maybe the way he smelled after mowing the yard or how she held your hand at the movies. Maybe your old partner’s lips were the perfect temperature, and whoever you’ve kissed since is too hot or too cold. Or maybe your bottom spoon arm just keeps falling asleep.

Those things will start to fade with time, but chances are, there will still be fragments of that past relationship that you’ll always miss.

And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re still in love with them. It just means you’re human and carry your past with you. What’s important, though, is that you don’t let that past hold you back from what is yet to come.