A Letter From Aba 1

Good morning, sir.

So I will start from the very beginning of the situation. Um, I got married to my husband in 2018, and then we moved to the US. He was a PhD student at the University of Texas. So I moved to the US with him, and I was his dependent. While in the US, we got married in June. By December of that same year, my parents called me and said they had a dream that we got divorced, and so we prayed about it together. We prayed about the dream together.

Then, we were living our lives, you know, normally. Um, we started having some issues of communication.

Each time I raised the issue, he would say it's his PhD work, and he doesn't have time. Then we started having the issue of money. He was a student, so his income was very limited. So I tried as much as we could to manage whatever we had.

Then, I had my daughter, I was my first daughter, and I was doing basically everything in the home. Because from his explanation, he was on scholarship, so if he had a minus, he would lose his scholarship. So I was basically the one, you know, carrying the family with the understanding that he was a student, so he didn't have the time. Then I had my second daughter. I wasn't working, but at some point, I got an under-the-table job.

So we went to work together, and then the money we made from it, he wanted to take the money. That I had to basically cry before he let me have the money because he was like what am I using money for? I'm always at home, you know, not going anywhere, he's the one spending, what am I using money for? That is after trying to explain to him over and over again that I am a woman, I have, I'm a human being, I need money even if, you know, just to hold money just in case. So that was how I started getting money. The work didn't last.

Then, I stopped the job.

Later, he started giving me $50 per month just to hold. And it is from that $50 that I buy the things, some of the things I need, and then I started selling stuff online on Facebook. So I'll look for cheap stuff on Facebook Marketplace, I'll purchase them and fix them, and then sell them, sell them on Facebook Marketplace. That was basically how I was making money.

Then the idea was that when he was done with school, I would go back to school. I have my degree. In fact, he was my classmate at the university here in Nigeria. That was where we met.

So, by this time, I've had three kids. Two girls and one boy. So, towards the time he was supposed to graduate, he told me that God said we should move back to Nigeria.

So I told him that was not the plan, the plan was that I would go to school and, you know, after my school, then we can move back to Nigeria, but he said God said. So I told him even if God said, he didn't say it has to be immediately. I know that at the end of your school that at some point we'll have to move back to Nigeria, but I don't think it's now. Just give me two years to, you know, do school. My own is not a PhD, it's just a master’s program, so let me just do a master’s program.

So we spent, he spent seven years in the US because he was already there one year before I came. So I spent six years, and he spent seven years in the US. He insisted, and we didn't quarrel about it; actually, I just, you know, followed his lead.

I was the one who basically bought everything we needed to come back home. The pots, the kitchen stuff, you know, appliances, I bought them with my money. And then we moved to Nigeria.

Before we got back to Nigeria, I was asking him, so where are we going to stay? Are we going to rent a house? What's gonna happen to the kids? You know, let's make a plan on how these things are going to work before we arrive. It will help us to settle properly. So he said that he's going to move to his father's house in Enugu. Like, you know, their village house. He's having issues with his elder brother, the eldest brother. So I told him, I think it'll be wise if you call your brother and tell him your plan. Let's be sure that he agrees to it.

How it is in Igbo land is, you know, when the parents are dead, the eldest has the house unless the father divided anything before he left, before he died. If he didn't, the eldest gets the house. Even if he did, the eldest usually gets the house.

So, since you're having issues with him, I think it'll be wise for you to call him and explain things to him. Let's see what he says. If he doesn't agree, let's start making plans right away. He said no, that he doesn't, he's not going to do that. I pleaded, I begged, he refused.

When we got to Nigeria, he called him, and the brother said that's not going to happen, that we should go and look for a house. That left us stranded.

So, meanwhile, before all this, he has a woman that he calls mother that has been helping him, the woman was the one that helped him to get admission and the woman was the one that gave him money to travel abroad, that loaned him money to travel abroad. According to him, he said he paid back the money. So this woman has been standing in like a mother.

So when I came into the picture, she automatically became my mother-in-law. So when I told him, when I was telling him we don't need to go back immediately, he said the woman is the apostle in his life. So he said no, that he needs to stay close to the apostle in his life. I was trying to, you know, let him understand that he doesn't need to be that close. You can stay anywhere, and somebody will still be an apostle, you know, but he insisted, so I just let it go. That was when we came back to Nigeria.

So when we came to Nigeria, his brother refused to allow us to stay in the family house, so we started looking for somewhere to stay because at that point we were already stranded. We've already shipped our stuff, and we were in Lagos at my brother's house.

While in Lagos, we had issues. Some, you know, flimsy issues, who does this, who does that, you didn't greet me, you greeted me, but all of us are, you know, age-mates.

So, the issues started. Then I pleaded with him, let me, let the kids and me come back to my father's house while we wait for our shipment, because we had issues with our shipment. Our shipment was supposed to take three months, but it took six months to arrive. So I told him, let the kids and me come and stay in my father's house while we wait for the shipment, instead of us staying in Lagos, because what we told my brother was that we were going to stay in Lagos for two weeks. It's been more than two weeks, it's been one month, going to two months.

So he said no, that we must stay in Lagos together. I told him okay, why don't we rent a house with the money we have. We came back with let's rent a house. He said no, that if we rent a house, everything we bought is going to start buying them all over again.

So I agreed, we stayed, and then we had a fallout with my brother, and we left Lagos.

When we left Lagos, we had a fallout, but the fallout was not immediate. The fallout became serious when we finally left Lagos, and he stopped talking to my brother. My brother called him several times to apologize, but he refused. That's my brother and sister, actually.

My brother and sister called him several times because they were living together then. He refused. My sister called him to apologize, I called so I could, because by then, I had to go to my parents' house.

When we left Lagos, the (apostle) mom begged her husband to let us stay in his house in Enugu. The woman's husband has a house in Enugu. The man agreed and said that we have three months to stay in his house. No, he didn't say we have three months, he asked my husband how long you are staying in this house, and my husband said three months.

I was trying to explain to him for three months because he said let's build since his brother did what he did, let us start building. I told him we cannot build in a hurry. He said no, let's put, you know, the money we have into something so we don't waste. I said yes, it's a good idea, but let's not rush into building before we regret whatever we're building. He insisted that we're going to start building. I said okay, fine, let's start building. So when the woman's husband asked him how long, he said three months.

I was trying to explain to him that three months is too small to build a house; this is not the US, and we don't even have that type of funds to build a house in three months. The funds we have might look huge now, but it's not. So let's, you know, that he should tell him that it's not three months we're going to stay. But he insisted.

Now we have started building a house. Every penny I gave him to change for me when we came back, every money I saved, every money people, you know, gave me because you're leaving the US, so some people gave me money, a gift of money. So every penny I was given, I gave to him to change for me. He changed it and put it in the house without telling me. I understood because, of course, it's our house.

Now, the house we're building, before we bought the land, I had to go and squat, I had to go and squat in the US. He had a one-year research fellowship in his program, so they paid him to be in Nigeria to do research for one year.

So we couldn't, the kids and I couldn't travel with him, so I had to squat with someone, with my brother and other people too, that period, so that we could save that money instead of renting the house we're living in, so we could save that money and use it and buy some land. So that was what we did. The land he bought, he bought in his name. I complained, but I let it go too. So it was that land that we were building on.

Now, when the building started, um three months was not enough. The man told us, the man who we were in his house, told us that we should leave the house for three months. So we had to, in fact, he gave us an ultimatum, you know, you have to leave such and such date. So in a space of how many, this is us coming to, you know, I had to start packing everything, we left the house.

The woman said we should come and keep our things in her own house, her own father's house that she built. So we kept our stuff there while the kids and I came to my parents' house in Aba. While we were there, I told him that remember we've been having a bit of an issue with communication, the relationship was a bit shaky at this point.

So I was telling him all this while that we need to go for counseling. Now my husband is someone who, if you do anything to him, he's not going to tell you; he will just have it in his mind, and then he will start, you know, behaving in a weird way, he starts keeping to himself, ignoring you, giving you the silent treatment.

So I told him we've not done this marriage before, let’s go for counseling. I kept talking and talking and, you know, begging him, let's go for counseling, both of us are not getting something right, let us go for counseling, let's learn how to do this. He refused.

So this has always been the issue: communication and emotional distancing.

Then, before we came back to Nigeria, a church friend called me aside and told me that she had a revelation that my marriage, meanwhile, I didn't tell anybody, nobody knows about this communication, the issues we were having. I did not tell any human being at all. Now this lady called me and said that she had a revelation that um I'm having communication issues in my marriage. She just said communication issues in my marriage, that we should pray about it, we should seek help, you know. I told her fine, thank you. I told my husband, and he laughed about it. I prayed my own simple prayer and moved on.

Now, when we came back to Nigeria, this lady called me again and said that she saw issues in my marriage, that I should pray and fast about it. This one I did not fast; I just prayed about it. I told my husband, and he still laughed over it, and he just said it's not going to happen in Jesus' name that he has declared it. So because he has declared it, we don't need to fast about it; we don't need to fast and pray about it. I said fine. But I prayed about it, I didn't fast about it, I prayed about it. But I didn't do the three-day prayers.

When we left to stay in my parents' house, he went alone to the woman's house to stay. Meanwhile, the woman's mom is alive, and the woman's mom is not so friendly, let me put it that way.

So while I was there, I told him we're already having issues in our marriage, and it will not be good for us to be apart. The best thing will be for us to stay together and not just the issues we're having, you know, challenges with this our move, so it's best that we stay together and work things through as a couple. Before he started building the house, I told him let us rent, let us rent. I practically begged him to let us rent. He said no.

We started building. When we started building, we had a hitch. I told him, let us use the little money left and rent. We cannot finish this house and move into it, and I cannot keep perching in people's houses. We've perched for a long time.

Before we started moving back to Nigeria, I was doing the packing. Our house was a mess, so we packed so much stuff. We were living in a two-bedroom. We packed so much stuff that we did not have any space. Our house looked like hoarders' houses. We did not have any space.

Our house was just boxes upon boxes upon boxes of stuff. We lived like that for months, and then when we made our shipment, we had to go and squat with someone. We squatted with someone for months. Then we moved to Nigeria, squatted with another person for months while um in Lagos.

Upon coming back, now for us to relax a bit after so many years, for us to have a little bit of, okay, we have arrived in Nigeria, let us now face our life squarely. We are now told to move.

I packed again, and now I'm squatting in my parents' house again. Let us, you know, while I was in my parents' house, I told him that whatever money we have left, let us rent a house and live together. At least let's have our own stuff and say okay, this is my room, this is our table where we can read, where we can study, all this stuff. He refused.

I let it go

So after a while of disturbing him, he asked the woman if we could stay with her mum. The woman’s mom agreed, so we moved back to the woman's house.

We were supposed to stay there for a few months, but the few months turned into a year. While we were there, I don't know why the woman would pick on me; she just so hated me. Whatever I did was wrong, whatever my children did was wrong.

My children were not allowed to play outside, they were not allowed to play inside, they were not allowed to, you know, just like you're living in bondage, trying to be careful all the time so that they don't get angry with you. They would make reports about me, some true, most of them were untrue. The madam had issues and came to the house and started, you know, saying a lot of negative stuff about me. I explained to her the situation, what actually happened. When my husband explained everything to her, she now said okay that she can see it's not our fault.

So I told my husband that regardless of the amount of money you have in your account, let us leave this place. Neither of us has peace of mind, and the children do not have peace of mind. We can't continue like this. He still refused.

All this time, I have been carrying the family financially also. My husband is a lecturer. I teach online. I was doing a business, a marketing business, before, but I stopped it, and I started teaching online. So o I wasn't I didn't really have many clients, but whenever I get a client, I still bring the money back to the house, I contribute a lot financially. And I was doing this because, of course, we're a family.

Nobody is doing anything special for anybody.

To be continued….