Break Ups

When a relationship breaks up, it brings out the worst in both partners in most cases.

In some cases, depending on the nature of the partner, the breakup is clean in such a manner that one of the partners would have secured another relationship which was better than the previous one, and he or she would just move on with the new person without a second thought, and also without caring about whatever the person has to say about him or her

Some partners get very nasty after a breakup. They feel hurt by the decision of the partner who walked away, and then naturally feel the best action to take is to hurt that partner back in any way that they can.

Some would cook up malicious stories just to hurt this person for daring to say, "It is over".

I remember a friend of mine who was a fellowship leader. I think he is one of the most unlucky men I know when it comes to the issue of love and relationships.

Everyone he dated before he finally got married spread malicious stories about him after he dared to say the relationship was over.

One said he was fabricating the testimonies that were being broadcast weekly from his ministry, another said he was impotent because he didn't try to have sex with her, and yet another said he was a philanderer who only dated people in order to find fault in them and leave them afterwards.

He kept quiet in a dignified manner while the rumours and the talks raged on and on

A friend of his came to him and asked him why he had not bothered to respond to the malice being peddled by those who were deemed to be very close to him after he suddenly stopped being chummy with them

He told the friend that he understood that they were hurting.

Nobody wants to lose a good thing.

When they do, they naturally tend to then denigrate that good thing.

They call it all sorts of names to demean it so that they can live with themselves afterwards

This is important to them because they need to have a story or an excuse to give to those who will ask them questions about what happened

Nobody would ever give a report on why a relationship failed by accepting that he or she is the bad partner and he or she feels the relationship had to break up for the benefit of the parties involved.

A healthy relationship is a vulnerable space where both partners share everything about their lives, background, victories, history, successes, and failures without any expectation of being judged

When that relationship breaks up, the aggrieved partner has all the materials he or she needs to paint the other party black if he or she is inclined to do so

Secrets get divulged, and concoctions get made to balance or justify the hurt the person is feeling.

Of course, there is a better way to break up. Accept your ex-partner's reason as feedback. (It doesn't matter if what he or she says is true or false, exaggerated or understated. What matters is the fact that this person is determined to move on or has moved on.)

You have a right to closure or even to fight for the relationship and ensure it does not break up; you also have the option to let him or her go so that you can heal in peace.

You can explore all of these options

You can rant and vex and cry

You can also call this person one million times every second, send voice notes, send emails, cry, set up a ring light, and do nasty videos to be posted online so that we all can see your true nature and understand why that person is justified or unjustified to leave you.

You can call a family meeting and share the news with your parents and siblings, or you can call his or her parents and siblings and smear the person by telling them how many abortions she had for you or how many times you caught him cheating

Your true character is brought to the test when you are hurting.

I know someone who had nasty recordings of all her exes on her phone.

After a breakup, she would call the other party while recording the audio and try to steer the conversation in an interrogatory manner to justify herself and try to get the person to admit to being the one at fault for the demise of the relationship

When she meets a new guy, and they start talking about their relationships as they grow fond of each other, she would play the voice notes to him to prove that she was not at fault in all her previous relationships.

What she wouldn't see is the pattern that she had set, which now involves the entrapment of exes and narcissism.

When that relationship crashes, she would make another audio

I nicknamed her the audio tape lover! (I should write a movie script on her antics sometime)

She wonders why her relationships don't last without seeing that acting in such a nasty way in the name of getting back at a partner for leaving her reveals that she is very evil at her core.

We don't all behave the same way when our hearts are broken.

Some of us will cry and move on

Some will cry and be withdrawn for a while

Some fall into depression

Some fall apart

Some are grateful (if you have ever been in an abusive relationship, you will understand this)

Some are sad, and some are stoic

The truth is, how you behave reveals indeed who you are at your core.

If you love the person, you want the best for the person, and you allow the person to move on in peace

If you only love yourself, you tear the person to pieces and try your best to ruin the person's life for daring not to love you again or moving on from a dead relationship.

Breakups are all about you and who you truly are.

-GSW-