Breaking The Bow

I got a call from the Chief Security Officer of my former office

He said he needed a loan of ten million Naira

I asked him what he needed the loan for

He said his wife had recently clocked 50 and she had never had a child, so he wanted to use the money to pay for IVF so that she could become a mother

I knew he had children because while we were working together, he would often complain to other staff members who had children about school fees, the conduct of one of his daughters, and so on.

So, I said, "Papa T, I know you have three children, so your request is a bit confusing."

He said after ten years of marriage without children, he got another lady pregnant and married her as his second wife.

This lady was the one who bore him his three children.

He said he eventually told his first wife about it, and she accepted the younger wife and children, but she still wanted to have children of her own.

I asked him if they had been to the doctor and if the doctor had recommended IVF treatment for his wife.

He said the doctor gave them options, including surrogacy, IVF, and some others

He was earning a hundred thousand Naira a month at the church where he was working as CSO

While he was working with an oil company, when he was younger, he had built a modest house at Alakuko in Lagos

It was this house that he wanted to use as collateral to get the loan he needed for the IVF treatment.

I applauded him for his steadfast support towards his first wife, but I told him getting a loan to do IVF when you don't have a means to repay the loan is a bad idea.

I have sponsored the IVF of many people, and I can categorically say that IVF is not an exact science. I have seen it fail more times than it succeeded.

I know those who did it nineteen times, only for the last one to produce children.

I know those who did it fourteen times, ten times, five times, etc.

I counselled him to encourage his first wife to accept the children of the second wife as her own or to adopt a child either officially or from a relative to raise as her own.

I am a parent, and I was once a child.

The irony of being desperate to have children has always stayed with me.

A couple starts life together; they have children who take everything from them without giving anything tangible in return most times. The children grow up and leave the house. The couple goes back to being without children in a sense. That is the cycle of life.

When I see wives who are desperate to have children to the point of falling into depression, becoming suicidal, and languishing in deep sorrow for their inability to conceive, I consider such women to be very dangerous and selfish.

To define yourself by something so fleeting and consider your life a waste without having it is not only ridiculous, it is a wanton display of foolishness.

It proves you are not in marriage to love and be loved by your husband. To you, he is only a means to an end. The end being your child or children.

After such women become mothers, their marriages suffer a lot. They also overcompensate towards the children and do not raise them very well. At the end of the day, they play a significant role in their children's lives until they die. Often blackmailing the children emotionally and ruining their other love attachments, especially relationships and marriages.

The husband they were supposed to bond with and grow old with, they would have bashed and treated with scorn, only to latch on to the children as their support system in their old age.

I told Mr. CSO and His wife all this when I had the opportunity to counsel them. I believe in Miracle Babies, either through IVF or by Supernatural conception or natural conception, all children are the same, and they are a blessing of the Lord in my sight.

I celebrate all the miracle babies born in GSWMI daily, and I thank the Lord Jesus for them.

I will not, however, counsel any couple to sell their properties or take huge financial loans in order to fund an IVF treatment.

They thanked me and left with the wife promising to stop nagging her husband and wait on the Lord.

This morning at 2:35 AM, my phone started buzzing persistently. I ignored it. I picked up the phone at 4:30 AM and saw videos, voice notes, and chat messages from Mr. CSO.

He said he needed help urgently

He collected a loan of 20 million Naira from a company three years ago to fund the IVF treatment of his wife.

They had done six sessions and exhausted the fund without any result.

He took the loan at 30% interest rate per month and now owes them 236,000,000 Naira.

He had been taken to court, and his properties had been forfeited to the loan company. The company came to enforce the court order last Friday, and he and his family had been scattered to the wind.

The second wife and the last child had gone back to her parents' house at Ijegun. The first two children are at the University. The first wife had also gone to stay with her younger sister's family somewhere in Ibadan.

He is currently sleeping in the security house at the pastor's house while still working as the CSO of the pastor's church.

He said the value of his house was about 45 million, and as things stand, he is still owing the company almost two hundred million.

He had been declared wanted by the police after he escaped being charged in court for a deficiency balance on the loan.

He said he believes he must either leave Nigeria or end up in jail.

He had sold his car, the grinding machine of his wife, and other things that they could sell. He said he is in danger of losing his job because he couldn't go to the office so as not to get arrested, but he is currently on leave while he sorts out his affairs.

He said he needed whatever help I could give him.

I asked him if he had gotten any help or support from either of his wives or their family members.

He said his second wife hates him at the moment, and her children have refused to take his calls.

He said his first wife has two plots of land in her name somewhere in Ikorodu. He said he begged her to sell the land and send him the money so he could leave Nigeria with it, even if it would only take him as far as Ghana.

He said she told him that was everything she had to show for all the years of sacrifices she spent with him and refused to entertain the thought.

The wise thing for me to do would be to say, "I told you so". But it wouldn't have been a humane thing to do.

I assured him of my love and support in this trying time. We prayed together, and I ended the call.

PS: When men forget that their value to those in their lives is intrinsically linked to the benefit they offer in terms of shelter, food, clothing, and finances. They gamble with it and discover that they are nothing to their loved ones when gambling fails.

-GSW-