Conditional

She didn't know where the resentment came from
Especially when he was around her
She didn't know how to stop it
The bile that rose to her throat when she saw him
Her thoughts of him in his absence were always pleasant
She would joyfully pray and hope things will change
But the moment he arrives home
The negative energy would hit her like a blast
The anger would just rise like the sun
She hated his commanding tone
His commanding nature
His controlling attitude
His assumption that she had no brains
His bossy, domineering and "i'm in charge" tone
It made her feel sometimes like an unwanted appendage
At other times, it made her feel like a slave
They were a husband and a wife
They were not husband and wife
There was no intimacy, no affection, no lovey dovey
He was too macho for that
He was too unemotional for that
He was too manly for that
She tried to discuss it with him
Tell him the marriage they were having was not the marriage of her dreams
What he heard was "nagging"
He would say "Nothing satisfies you", "Why are you always nagging?"
Sometimes when she was raising issues about how she felt
He would just look at her as if she was talking to the air and not respond
Not even a word
It makes her feel like he was calling her stupid
Like he was saying "At your age, you cannot figure that one out"
She tried to reason it out
Convince herself he would get over the drama
He was not like that when they met
He was a sweet guy, the most loving of all her suitors
They met at the campus fellowship they both attended
He was a lover of music; a God lover to the core
She was a member of the choir, one of those blessed with a sonorous voice
She loved the fact that he loved God like his life
He was not one of the pretenders, he really was bitten by the God bug
It was what attracted her to him
He paid her attention openly, unlike others who would be hiding their relationships
He had no bone of pretense in him
She welcomed the attention
He did everything right
She was blown away
The only problem was he believed the Bible "Word for word"
He told her as much while they were courting
"The Bible is the manual for living a good life and I will live by it"
His Father was a military man with seven sons
He was the fifth son and the most religious
Their wedding day was glorious
They were halfway into their honeymoon when he told her she had to be silent when he was speaking
The Bible commanded her to be submissive and Sarah called Abraham "LORD"
Her "friend" was lording his "husband" crown over her
How could she be happy with that?
He didn't do anything to be a King and for her to be a servant
He was male! Period!!!! Why are men always feeling so entitled?
That was very unfair! He shouldn't invalidate her feelings
He shouldn't have to Lord his "Husbandness" over her
She was not trying to be his husband!
That was where it started from
She was his equal in every way! Anybody can buy an ego in the market
He studied civil engineering and she studied chemical engineering
He was working in an engineering firm and she was working in an engineering firm
Her salary was even slightly more than his own
She did not look up to him for anything but love and companionship
And his parochial mindset had taken both off the table
He wanted her to love him on his terms
What about her own terms?
Can a slave love her master as an equal?
She wanted a partner not a demigod!
One evening, three years after they got married, she packed her load and left
Enough was enough!
She had endured a living hell and it just wouldn't work
By this time he had stopped going to church and even stopped praying all together
He kept saying "God has given me a bad gift despite all my years of loving and serving him"
She was the bad gift he was always referring to... as if he was a blessing to her
He gradually drifted off God to the point where he started smoking and drinking again
Habits he left behind when he became Born Again years before they met
The marriage did more harm to both of them than good
He came looking for her that evening at her parent's house
She didn't know what to expect but what he did was stunning
He parked his car, opened the booth and brought out a packed travel bag
He dropped the bag by her parent's door and drove off
When she opened the bag after he left
She discovered he had packed her personal belongings that she left behind
Everything she forgot, even the gifts she bought for for him
It was as if he had been praying for her to pack out or had been preparing to send her packing
He was so glad to be rid of her
She was stung by shame and failure and rejection, all at the same time
Three years of marriage reduced to a travel bag and emptiness
That was the moment she knew the marriage was broken forever
He wouldn't come back to beg for her return
She wouldn't get to set the terms of reunion as she had anticipated
She steeled herself and started adjusting to being single again
Until she missed her period at the end of that month
How? How? How?
Because of the incessant power tussle at home, she and her husband rarely made love
She could remember one evening the previous month when he rammed her in the kitchen
She woke up early trying to fix breakfast and he came at her with that early morning erection
She just had to take it
The thing looked so appealing and she needed the release
She was confirmed pregnant few weeks later
It changed everything!
They had been praying for a child since they got married
She had sworn never to have anything to do with him again
Her parents were already against the separation and they wouldn't even consider nursing her through pregnancy
She packed her bags and returned to her marital home the day the pregnancy was confirmed
He arrived home from work in company of another woman
She had only been gone for twelve weeks and he was already bringing other women home!
He was shocked to see her
The woman with him quickly excused herself and left
She was mad! But she kept thinking of her baby
She told him the news
He said: That was very convenient! You left the house and came back pregnant
She understood what he was insinuating but she was tired of fighting
The moment other couples share together with gladness was about to become a moment of sorrow for them
She said "I want to enjoy my marriage, I want to be loved and cuddled,
I want this child to grow up in an atmosphere of love and peace,
I dont want to endure being with you
You are a good man, the man I chose to love and marry
I accept my fault in what has happened to us but please for the sake of this baby
Can we retrace our steps and start all over?
We both know what to do to make this marriage work
Can we commit to doing those things?"
He looked at her as if she was playing a trick on him
He walked away, without a word
She slept in the sitting room that night
Early the next morning, she fixed his breakfast and ran his bathwater
She waited on him as he prepared to go to work
Usually he would leave immediately but that morning he waited for her and drove her to work
They didn't say a word to each other on the trip
He dropped her off and said he would pick her up at 5pm
He was there by 5pm
Things improved from there
He improved drastically
The more she tried to prove to him that she had changed
The more he changed
They had been in a boxing ring for the first three years of their marriage
They now found themselves in a luxury suite of a penthouse
He returned to the Lord and so did she
He didn't have to Lord his "husbandness" over her anymore
He had the home he wanted
She also didn't have to feel oppressed in her marriage anymore
She had the home she wanted
Their son was born into an atmosphere of love and light

PS: Dictionary result for submit /səbˈmɪt/Submit
verb 1. accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person.

The letter kills, the spirit makes alive
The word 'love" that many shout about as important in a marriage is conditional
Some tell me God's love is unconditional and I laugh at their ignorance

John 3:16 King James Version (KJV)
16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son,
that whosoever believeth (The condition) in him should not perish, but have everlasting life
*Love is always conditional

The word "submit" that many find offensive is not a clobber
Christ submitted to God and He was highly exalted
Submission is a key to exaltation
Jesus demonstrated this succinctly
Submission is not a weakness, it is a strength
Christ's strength came from his submission to the Father
If he loves the Lord, loving his wife can never be difficult for him
He wasn't asked to make his wife submit
If he had to battle his wife for submission
His wife will have to battle him for love
He doesn't need his wife's love
She was the one who needed his love
What he needed was her respect through submission
If she cannot give that she will never get his sincere love