Fighting While Blinded

A man sponsored his wife to live with him in Europe from Nigeria

The wife arrived, and he worked hard to train her through nursing school

When she started working, he demanded that they split the bills 50/50

Wife then demanded that they split the house chores 50/50

Husband refused (they live in a one-room and one sitting room apartment)

The wife also came up with a roster for cooking, so that they split cooking equally

The man says she was doing all the house chores while he worked for jobs to train her through school

In school, she spent nine hours a day

Her new job also takes her nine hours a day, while he still works four jobs to maintain their income so that he can repay the loan he took to help her through school

Wife said she can't do a 50/50 bill and then do 100% house chores and cooking

Husband stops sleeping on the matrimonial bed and stops eating at home

Wife saw it as a manipulative tactic to get her to change her stance

The year went by slowly

The following year arrived, and it was time to renew the wife's papers

Husband told her he had rented another apartment in town and would not be renewing her papers

She panicked and started calling friends and family members

They told her to file for asylum and seek help from some NGOs so that she could survive in the country

She went searching for the NGO and saw that they ran a shelter where she could live when the rent expires until she could find her feet

By this time, her husband was already packing his things and moving gradually

She reached out to me, asking what she should do

I asked her if she felt living in a shelter was better than cooking for her husband and helping him sort the bills.

She did a video call, and I saw how tiny the apartment was.

The sitting room could barely take three chairs and a TV. The kitchen was in the sitting room with one long cabinet, a gas cooker, plus a two-seater dining table

The apartment has one bathroom and a toilet

Her place of work was about a five-minute walk from her apartment

The shelter only offered a bed space and a tiny locker space if she arrived there early

The toilets and bathrooms are shared

There is no kitchen

You either bring in your food or wait till a charity organization brings you food in the evenings

Your things can easily be stolen, and they have a no-fighting policy

If you fight, even if you were in the right and defending yourself, you will get thrown out

The probability of keeping her job after moving to a shelter is zero

Not only was it too far, but there is no space for her to keep her things so that she can change and freshen up daily

The renewal of her papers will be impossible unless she finds a sponsor

She would become an alien, and this would affect her documentation and her progress within the system

I asked her what the big deal was about cooking for her household

The food they buy abroad is the cheapest stuff, and the cooking is usually to heat up whatever it is in the microwave

I asked if her husband insisted on her cooking special African dishes that would cost an arm and a leg

She said they could not afford that

Chicken head and leg soup was their best delicacy

They usually would buy cheap fast food in bulk and refrigerate it, then they get some fresh fruits and snacks

So what are you cooking that made you say you want to split cooking duties? I asked her

She began to stammer

She said What about doing the dishes and washing the toilet

All the dishes in her kitchen were six, and the pots were two

The kitchen was so tiny, it was a kitchenette!

So, what do you spend your money on?

She said she sends money to her mother and siblings in Nigeria

She buys her toiletries and other essentials

She was also investing in a land project in Nigeria

I smiled and shook my head

I said, "You are an adult who can make decisions, look at your options, and choose what is best for you."

She said, "But even if I want to pick my marriage, after a year of no communication and no sex, that is no longer an option."

I said, "Your apartment is so tiny, and your husband has been packing his load for over two weeks... Does that not tell you something?

All his things could have been packed in thirty minutes and moved to the new house, and yet he keeps coming back daily.

When he returns today, go and embrace your husband. Tell him you are sorry and promise him you will do better. Accept his terms and conditions and give him a mind-blowing sex.

(He has not had sex in over a year, and self-help is not the same as the real thing.)

Remind him that you are integral to his balance and productivity in this country, and you should not be so easily discarded."

She listened

That night, what had gone wrong was set right

She and her husband reconciled.

Her husband didn't really rent an apartment; he had been dropping his things off little by little in a locker at his office.

He paid the rent and renewed her papers

They learnt their lessons and moved on

Praise God.

PS: One of the conditions her husband gave her was for her to keep away from Nigerians on social media and all their feminist teachings and talks

He also told her to start attending a local church with him and keep away from online Nigerian churches

Unfortunately, this instruction meant she had to cut me off our fellowship too

She informed me of this, and I happily blessed her and counselled her to continue building her home with wisdom.

Tomorrow is our Impartation service and final ministration in Lagos for 2025.

Make sure you arrive on time.

-GSW-