How To Ruin A Good Spouse

I remember how idealistic I was when I was getting married in 2010

I was sold on all the teachings of the pastors and priests who counselled me and my ex-wife before we got married

They said marriage is for companionship

They said marriage is leaving and a cleaving

I must leave my father and mother and cleave to my wife, and she must do the same for me

They said marriage is about love and trust

They said there must never be a third party in our marriage

I took all the instructions like the gospel. I was on a crusade to prove to the whole world that the best husband in the world had just been discovered.

On the wedding day I discovered I was not relevant in my own wedding

The desire of the parents of the bride superseded my own

I had wanted a small, intimate wedding

I got a jamboree for a wedding

I didn't know 99% of those who attended

I danced the couple's dance in front of strangers and did my couple's kiss in front of aliens

I was naturally a shy and reserved person

The demands of the marriage compeer made me cringe

The noise at the wedding reception almost drove me crazy

The only time I was okay on the wedding day was when we were in the church, and the priest took my wife aside to give her communion

Everything else was a blur

Eventually, the wedding was over

I had passed the most difficult test of my life without losing my cool or raising my voice despite all my misgivings

It was time for me and the new Mrs. to go to my flat

She said we must say farewell to her parents again

I told the driver to take us to her parents' flat

When we got there, her mother began to spit fire

"I don't know what I should say to you.

You and your family arrived late for the traditional marriage

You were discourteous to us, and you disrespected my family."

I kept quiet

I was seething, but I was determined not to lose my cool

The reason I came late was that I wanted to call off the wedding that morning

We planned on a wedding for twenty people, and I discovered to my dismay that 500 people will be attending my wedding

My parents and relatives, all ten of them, begged me to reconsider

There would have been no wedding, and this bag of air who made the wedding all about herself still had the guts to unload on me after I had gone through their whole charade for the sake of not embarrassing the two families.

Her mother was not done

As usual, she had to embarrass her husband to my face, as she had always done since I met their family

She said, "Don't beat my daughter. She is not perfect, and she has her melancholic episodes.

Since I got married, her father had only slapped me once, and he did so, claiming I was rude to his mother.

His mother, who was mean to me and really didn't accept me.

His mother, who, when I was pregnant with your wife's older brother, made me fetch drums of water, wash all her clothes, and verbally insulted me at will, calling me a lazy girl and a foreigner because she had a lady, she preferred her son to marry, but I got pregnant first.

It went on and on.

It was my wedding day evening, and this woman wouldn't stop.

After two hours of bile, we left her parents' house for my parents' house in Festac

The wives of our family insisted that the bride must be brought to the house first for water to be poured on her feet

We got there, water was poured on her feet, and prayers were said

We left there at about 9 pm

I was exhausted

The drive from Festac to my flat took about an hour

While on the ride, my Mrs. started her own

"Other people will be heading for a honeymoon now, but not me. I am heading to a bachelor's pad to start cooking, mopping, sweeping, and cleaning as a wife.

I will enjoy no respite, no pampering, just duty."

She also went on to itemize all the funds spent by her parents to give her a wedding I didn't want and how little my parents spent in comparison.

We had agreed that it was better to stock our flat with food and enjoy two uninterrupted weeks there than spend my savings on a honeymoon in a hotel where I had rent to pay

I would have gladly waited another year to get married so that I could save more

She refused my proposal to wait and yet turned the whole wedding into which my parents spent more than your parents’ debacle.

I was angry, but I was quiet while she raved on and on because the driver of the Range Rover Sport, which I borrowed from the MD of my office for the wedding, was there.

I knew she was performing for him; just like her mother, when there was an audience, she would take the opportunity to drag her husband in the mud

I chose not to dance to the same gerugeru song.

We got home

She asked me to help with undoing the zip of her gown and also to get her a cold drink

I did so

The mood was not conducive to romance or softness

Chelsea and Arsenal played that day, so I switched on my TV to watch a recap

A few minutes into the match, she opened the door of the room, looked at me, and hissed so loud that the decoder almost caught fire.

I got the message.

I switched off the TV and humbly went into the room

She was too tired to make love to me on our wedding night, but she felt I was required to stay in bed with her and rehash the day's events so that we could learn lessons from it

I let her speak and chose to be quiet

The truth would have stung her so badly, and I was determined to make the marriage work

My mother told me that when one partner is acting like a goat, the other must act like a sheep

I chose to tow the sheep's path that night

She was done at about 2 AM

I went back to watch my match over a bottle of Maltina and some fried meat

I got to bed at about 4 AM

She woke me up at seven am, demanding that I return the hundred dollars I stole from her purse

I was as shocked as a car that found itself hammered into an Iroko tree

"Your family didn't invest in our wedding. Your father gave me 100 dollars as a gift, and you dare steal it?

Give me back my money in full, you dolt!"

I didn't take any money

I tried very hard to say so, but this Mrs. was convinced I did

She had a lot to say too, and she said them

The crowning expression was "You were a mistake I regret ever making. I should not have married you. My mother said you will end up just like my father, and I can see all the signs."

It is true that I had some similarities with her father

He was a journalist, and he kept quiet for his wife, but I was determined never to end up as my wife's punching bag like her father, and I told her so

She said I didn't have a drive

I told her she was basically describing her father

She gave venom, and I gave venom

For every curse, I cursed back

I realized that by keeping quiet like her father, she had assumed the role her mother took in her parents' marriage

In her head, she was her mother, and I was her father

Their dysfunctional marriage had become her reality

Keeping quiet was playing along in that script

I had to do things the way her father didn't do them

Shockingly, she found the money inside the wedding Bible, where she kept it before she slept

You would think she would come to me apologizing

She didn't

She just said. "Hey, I found the money in the wedding Bible where I kept it. I forgot I put it there."

That was her apology

Then she picked up her phone and called her mother

That became the most recurring theme of the marriage.

Her mother must get a daily briefing on everything that happened in the marriage

She would play the victim, and her mother would play the grief counsellor

She made rules

My relatives were not allowed to visit our flat

I insisted that her relatives were not allowed to visit too

She said her father would never say that to her mother

I said I was not her father

She insisted that a certain amount of money must be sent to her parents monthly

I matched the same energy in regard to my parents, even though my parents didn't need the money

I began to change

My idealistic self-gave way to a reactionary nature

When she smiled, I smiled

When she cursed, I cursed

When she wrote me a stinker, I wrote her a stinker

I gave no quarters and took no slaves

The marriage became hell for both of us

She revelled in it

I didn't

She loved fighting; it made her feel alive

She would say, "If I left you without any angst, you would die young. What is life without a little excitement?"

I would reply to her by saying, "You have a warrior gene. You cannot thrive without war and chaos."

That was how she ruined a good man

Ten years of that and I was practically going crazy

On our tenth-year anniversary, I called her and said I couldn't continue that way

I had lost my center and became toxic

She had led me down a path of wanton crassness and bile

I couldn't recognize myself anymore

I told her she would have to change, or we would part ways

She said, "You saw me as I am before you married me. Now that you are rich, you are asking me to change, or you will change me. That is how you men are. I am not going anywhere, and I am not changing for any man!"

So, I began to change.

I stopped engaging in the toxicity

When she starts cursing, I will leave the house

Once she started an argument, I would walk out of the room.

If she follows me, I will pick up my car keys and drive away from the house

Sometimes I would stay away from the house for days

She decided to match my energy by staying away from the house for days, too

As soon as I arrived, she would leave

She would say nobody had the monopoly of madness.

The marriage died a natural death from that point.

It was the inevitable conclusion.

Some years later, I remarried.

chose my wife deliberately and without apology to anybody.

I had met certain ladies who were interested in marrying me, but they didn't fit into the life of joy and peace that I desired after the war of a marriage I went through in my thirties.

Some felt slighted that I didn't marry them, and I am happy they are slighted.

I delight in their slight!

If I had married them, it would have been World War II.

When would I have rest for my soul?

Oftentimes, my wife would come to me and hug me and say, "You are such a good man. I love living life with you."

And I would smile and say,

"You are the reason our marriage is a happy one.

You always gave me the right energy, and your aura is blissful.

PS: I smiled while reading this. I didn't bother shortening it.

It has a part two

You can bring the best out of your partner

You can also bring the worst out of your partner

There is a third option; you may also end up bringing nothing out of your partner

To get a partner who reciprocates one's energy is a blessing

If you are blessed with such a partner, ensure you always bring the right energy, and you will see how your marriage will blossom

-GSW-