The Complex Mistake

I had no business being married
At least not to the person i got married to
I knew it was a mistake from the beginning
but I was under a lot of pressure from
everywhere
My immediate elder sister was the only one
who had reservations about the wedding
She didn't want to speak to me directly
so that I will not misinterpret her intentions
She woke her husband up in the middle of
the night and cried her eyes out
Her husband, a man I respect with all my heart
came to my flat the following day
He brought me an envelope full of cash to
support my wedding
Then he took me for a drive to LG shop
He said he wanted to me a state of the
Art TV for my wedding present
He was a hardworking and very quiet man
He loved me like I was his blood
We took to each other like a needle to thread
the moment my sister introduced him to me
as her husband to be
During the drive, he started talking to me
Man to man talk
Heart to heart talk
He told me about my sister's reservation
He told me my sister said I have a condition
called "Saviour's complex"
The savior complex is a psychological construct 
which makes a person feel the need to save 
other people
He reminded me of three stories
How I dated a lady who had sickle-cell for 
four years just because I believed that
love was all a sickle cell patient needed
and how I was even determined to marry
the lady until she walked away from the
relationship herself claiming she wanted
to remain single
(The lady eventually married someone else)
How I dated another lady for eighteen
months simply because she told me she 
was so lonely that she had contemplated 
committing suicide several times!
How I dated a girl as a teenager and 
paid her school fees through the university
because I felt she could do better than
learning how to sew clothes!
My sister had a journal and I guessed,
I was the primary content of that journal
since we were children!
My sister insisted she was seeing the 
same pattern in my choice of a wife
She was a beautiful young lady and she
was accomplished in her own right
But she was desperately looking for a
husband and would have settled for 
anybody!
It was an open secret
My choice of a wife was my sister's best lady
at her wedding
SHe had been a friend and colleague to my
sister for years
She was thirty-two
She was two years older than me
It was quite true that she approached me one
day out of the blue and asked me if I know
a pastor who could pray for her
She said she had some issues
I introduced her to my church pastor
They had a counseling session
She was told to fast and pray for three days
She did it
She kept me abreast of every development
After the prayer was done, she kept calling
me
"Why had God not answered my prayer?"
"Do you think i should come and see your
Pastor again?"
Eventually, I told myself I could be the answer
she had desperately been searching for
I didn't want it to seem as if my pastor's
prayers were ineffective
I called her and asked if I could take her out
That was how it began
The chemistry was not really there
But she was a zero and i was a one
Even computers found a way to make that work
We started kissing and necking
We started smooching and squeezing
We didn't catch fire as early as I desired
I believed it was the familiarity or the 
mental distance thing
Whatever it was, we put in some hard work
Eventually, the generator picked
We had sex over and over again
She was convinced I was the one
I was convinced she was the one
She collected a loan and invested it in
my business
It was a lump sum of money
When i asked her how soon she wanted
me to refund the money
She said "It's what a wife would do?"
I remember that day
That moment
We were in her car
She was driving and the words just rolled
out of her lips
It was well timed
I couldn't think of another person in the
world who could invest a million naira
in my business free of charge
Later that day, she asked me if there
was anything she could do that will make
me dump her
I said NO!
Then she said "Instead of wasting each other's
time, why don't we get married?"
I saw reason with her
I had a furnished apartment
A thriving printing business
A supportive and beautiful partner
I agreed to it
We started making plans
The one problem we have which seemed
to defy all effort was physical intimacy!
I was not naturally attracted to her
It wasn't as if we couldn't make love at all
We could but I find no pleasure in sleeping
with her
Often time, i had to close my eyes and imagine
I was sleeping with someone else before I
could get aroused
And sometimes while i was already making
love to her, I couldn't ejaculate unless I
imagine it was somebody else I was sleeping
with
I had a lot of ladies I liked or admired
I just use their image in my head and imagine
they were the ones i was sleeping with
I never told anybody this
I believed something was wrong with me
I believed I could manage it
I assumed it would correct itself over time
it didn't!
We got married and we were blessed 
with children 
Three boys!
She was a model wife
She was extremely loving and supportive
and so was I
Neither of us cheated 
The problem was the sexual incompatibility
Sex became a task for me
A hard work i came to dread
The more I used the images in my head
The less effective they became
Sometimes I had to watch adult movies
Just to refresh the images in my head
I hated that
I hated how dirty it made me feel
I tried explaining it to her
She kept hearing it in a different way
She kept saying "How else was i supposed to
be attractive to you?"
Was it the boobs that were not big enough
or the hips that were not full enough
She didn't get it at all
It felt to her as if i had fallen out of love
with her and found her repulsive
we manage to make love about four times
in a month
It was the best i could do after being
married to her for eight years
I was thirty eight and she was forty
I didn't know why she couldn't just leave
sex alone and let us face our lives
Someone told her if I wasn't sleeping with
her, it means i was cheating
I wish that was true
But it wasn't so
I had lost interest in the pursuit of sex
I do it out of necessity with my wife
But all the "If you don't have sex at least
twice a week, your marriage is heading
for the rocks mantra, was a lie for me"
I love her and I love our home
Of course, my wife didn't see it that way
For her, the lack of sex was torture
She kept pushing and goading me
Sex was always the problem
Not food, not drink, not new cars or
new houses
We were both doing so well in every other
aspect of our lives that I used to wonder
why we have disagreements
It wasn't as if we were not having sex
I get the urge sometimes and she does too
Then we have sex
But I am not for the twice a week nonsense
I cannot do that!
Brother Gbenga, that was what led to our
separation
She said she cannot continue with the
marriage because of that
I was sincerely relieved
Finally, I would be free!
If she knew why I married her, perhaps she
might be grateful and let me be
It was a mistake I wish i never made
I played God and i got burnt
I assumed i could solve somebody's problems
and provided my flawed self as a solution
At the end of the day, i messed things up
the more
Our children deserved better
Everything within me was screaming that
I must do everything to make it work
But the challenge didn't come as a result
of something being broken
It came as a result of two people who
bound themselves as one, despite
the fact that they do not belong together
We were a fraud and we have been found
out!
I write this to you from a hotel
I had moved out of the house since the second
week of January
She told me she needed the space
I joyfully granted it to her
Also as I write this, I feel like having sex
It's been almost eight weeks since I last
made love to my wife
But I will take a cold shower and hope
for a speedy resolution of my issues
Maybe she will file for divorce soon
and I will be free to meet someone else
Someone I would be attracted to like ants
to honey
Maybe we would remain separated and
I will end up cheating on her
I don't know yet!
One thing I know is this, we are not sexually
compatible
I had faked it for years and now I have lost
the will to continue with the charade
I was never told something like this can
become an issue between a couple
We had everything and yet, this one thing
was strong enough to tear us apart.
I told my elder sister yesterday
She said "You tried! Eight years of playing the
hero is not a joke. 
It is time to live for yourself and find happiness!"
I agree with her!

What do you think, Brother Gbenga?

PS: This week has been very tough
Especially for marriages
I have received phone calls, emails and
chats from all over
I have seen the case above before
A man or a woman with a saviour's complex 
who got married for all the wrong reasons
Such marriages are littered with crushed 
dreams and broken hopes
This is one of such
Can we pray for homes and marriages today
That the Lord will keep and guide them
That the Lord will continue to nurture and 
water them
That all our homes shall be a garden of
delight of the Lord!
Amen!!!!