Accountability Partners

I was having a conversation with a 
friend a few weeks ago where I told 
her that sharing one’s issues in a
safe space is very key to one’s mental 
well-being and she agreed with me. 
She mentioned that a lot of
married women think it’s better not to 
share because they do not want 
their private matters to become
public. 
However, sometimes one needs to 
share to get encouragement, and 
other times one just needs to unburden 
all they are dealing with by talking 
about it with a trusted friend.  
Oftentimes, seemingly complex issues 
no longer seem as severe once you 
talk about them.
Our conversation got me thinking about 
my issues at my job at Arista in California, 
how it led to my depression and my 
return to Nigeria. 
After my first poor performance review, 
there were three reasons
why I was unable to speak with anyone 
about my challenges:
1. I felt guilty and ungrateful. 
Here I was at a job which a lot of Nigerians 
and Americans would be
grateful to have, and living in a country 
with basically no infrastructural 
issues – 24/7 electricity, clean
water, and good roads-, and in a city
 with great weather all year round, 
very flexible working hours,
traffic-free commute to and from 
work, and a very reasonable boss. 
I assumed that if I told anyone back
home that I was struggling at work 
and had a bad performance review, 
they would judge me as having a
problem because people back home 
in Nigeria were spending 4-6 hours 
or even more in traffic daily,
had unreasonable and downright 
mean bosses, low pay, and contended 
with major infrastructural
issues (poor electricity, lack of clean 
water supply, bad roads and 
drainages, etc), yet they were still able
to perform well at work. 
Meanwhile, I was practically enjoying 
and had none of these issues to contend
with but still struggling at work and 
I couldn’t even pinpoint the underlying 
reason behind it.
2. I was afraid of disappointing my 
loved ones. Every time I spoke to 
my dad, at the end of the
conversation, he would always say 
in Yoruba “Ise e nko? Se dada ki 
won le file fun e” (How is your work?
Hope it’s going well. Make sure you do 
well at it so your employers can file 
the permanent residency papers for you.) 
When you’re constantly being told that, 
how do you confess your work struggles 
and further disappoint your folks by 
pointing out that any hope of having 
permanent residency filed for you was 
bleak? 
could not bring myself to tell any of my 
loved ones that things were not going 
well for me seeing as they had so much 
faith in me and I did not want to let 
them down.
3. I felt like an underachiever amongst 
the Nigerians in my circle. 
Whenever I would meet up with those
Nigerians, work would always come up 
and I would hear statements like “my 
boss loves me oh! My boss
cannot even do without me!” or “in my 
last appraisal, I did amazingly well” 
and so on. 
They could have been lying or exaggerating 
but it just seemed as if all the Nigerians 
I was surrounded by were over-achievers. 
They all seemed to be doing excellently 
at work and I did not want to be the odd 
one out so I refrained from discussing 
my work problems with them.
In retrospect, perhaps if I had spoken 
to someone, things may not have 
escalated to the level that they did. 
Who knows, maybe things would have 
even turned out differently.
Telling others about our struggles and 
pain points does several things for us, 
one of which is it helps us not to feel 
alone. 
When we confide in others and find 
out we are not the only ones going 
through the situation we are in or that 
others have gone through it before, 
we feel less discouraged and more
hopeful. Elijah in the bible was suicidal 
at some point in his life – this was after 
he had done the great miracle of calling 
down fire from heaven and Jezebel was 
after him. 
He told God he wanted to die
because he assumed he was the only 
one of God’s prophets left. 
There is just something depressing
about thinking you are the only one 
going through or who has ever gone t
hrough your current predicament – 
Although your situation may not be 
identical with others’, you can still 
find similarities between theirs and 
yours because there is nothing new 
under the sun. 
However, once you think you are
the only one, you may feel like you’re 
carrying the weight of the world on 
your shoulders. 
When God told Elijah he wasn’t the 
only prophet alive and there were 7,000 
prophets still alive, he no longer felt
despondent. Knowing others have 
experienced similar situations as you 
makes you feel some measure of relief.
While in secondary school, I hated 
being in trouble alone irrespective of 
how small the trouble was. 
But once there were several of us in it 
together, I was fine. 
Even if we were in trouble forever, I 
would no longer mind because I wasn’t 
alone anymore. It’s freeing and liberating 
not being the only one going through 
your situation. 
And you may never know of others who 
are walking in or have walked in your
shoes if you do not confide in people. 
Another reason to share is for encouragement 
and support. 
When you share with someone who has
gone through a similar situation or knows 
of someone who went through a similar 
situation and came out successfully, you 
start to believe you can also successfully 
overcome the challenge.  
If for instance, you’re having issues with 
your marriage and you think you’re the 
only one going through that problem,
but you find the courage to talk about it 
in a safe space and discover that others 
have also gone through similar situations, 
suddenly, the problem no longer seems 
as daunting. 
Sharing can reduce the magnitude of a 
problem - a problem that seemed 
impossible to solve suddenly becomes 
solvable because you become aware that 
someone else has successfully passed 
through it. 
On the other hand, if you do not share, 
you may never know of others who 
have passed through the same situation 
or receive the information that could help 
you overcome the challenge.
At this point, let me sound a note of 
caution, you must be aware of your 
motive for talking about your problems. 
Your reason for sharing is not to elicit 
pity from people. 
I was at that stage at one point. 
I did not talk about my challenges 
for a very long time but when I 
eventually started to talk about it, I was
only sharing so people could pity me 
and say, “haa! Eeyah! Pele!”. 
I just wanted to be the object of
everyone’s pity and did not want to 
get information on how to get better 
or solve my issues. 
So back then I would lament about 
my problems and once my listener 
starts to give me constructive advice and
practical action points which I needed 
to take to ensure my situation improved, 
I would cut-off the person and go look 
for someone else to listen to my pity party. 
You need to be sure you’re sharing for 
the right reasons, not because you 
want to be pitied. 
You’re the only one who knows your 
true motive for sharing. 
However, if you are sharing simply 
to elicit pity from others, that’s a 
wrong motive. 
Pity doesn’t do anyone any good.
I would discuss a few sets of people 
to confide in, but first, let me address 
the issue of fear. I believe fear
in various forms is the number one 
reason why people do not confide 
in others. 
Fear of our private matters being aired 
publicly, fear of being judged, fear of 
being looked down on, and so on. 
Fear Is never a good thing and your 
motive for not sharing should never 
be fear. 
You can mitigate these fears by
wisely choosing those to confide in 
but there is no one hundred percent 
guarantee that your matter
would remain private and never disclosed 
to anyone but the benefit of sharing far 
outweighs the disadvantages.
My master life teacher used to say 
she doesn’t care if the person she 
confides in spreads her gist as She
shares for herself. 
Once she unburdens herself, she’s 
achieved her goal. 
If the listener(s) spreads her gist
then it’s on them and it’s their issues - it 
has nothing to do with her. 
We need to get to that place where
we are not afraid that people would 
carry our gist, or judge us or look 
down on us and say “ahn ahn so
this what you’ve been struggling with”. 
Fear shouldn’t be our motive for not 
doing anything. 
That being said, here’s a non-exhaustive 
list of the category of people you can 
confide in.
1. Professionals like Counsellors and 
Therapists – If you can afford to, it’s 
advisable to share with
professionals like therapists for two 
reasons. First, they are bound by 
doctor-patient
confidentiality, and you are assured 
of privacy, and sure that your issues 
would not be told to
someone else. Secondly, there are 
trained to help you work through and 
work out whatever issues you might 
be dealing with. 
They can help unravel underlying 
causes of issues you have been struggling 
with and recommend actions that can 
lead to results. 
There are trained counselors to help 
with marriage and family issues, and 
there are therapists or psychologists
who help with emotional and mental 
health issues like anxiety, depression, 
phobias, etc. You have to do the work 
of finding one who is both competent 
and compatible with you though as
just like in every profession, not every 
professional would suit your needs.
2. Online support Communities – 
Thanks to the proliferation of the 
internet and the widespread
use of social media apps like Whatsapp 
and Facebook, there are now online 
communities of people with similar 
challenges set up to help one another 
get through those common challenges. 
Someone I follow on Instagram lost her 
baby at birth and she set up an online
community group for women who also 
lost children so they could mourn 
together, comfort, and encourage one 
another since they have similar experiences. 
As said in part 1, sometimes only
people who have/had similar challenges 
can empathize properly with you and 
give you the support and encouragement 
you need to overcome your struggles.
3. Offline support communities – they are 
support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous 
that meet in physical groups to help 
those struggling with Alcohol Addiction 
who want to stop drinking but
have been unable to stop on their own. 
In such meetings. People share their 
experiences of struggles and victories 
with each other in the hope that together, 
they can overcome their alcoholism 
challenge. 
People are also assigned one on one 
mentors or accountability partners
called sponsors who help to hold them 
accountable to their commitment to 
stop drinking. 
A google search can show you AA 
meeting groups in your community.
4. Trusted friends and family – WE all 
need to develop healthy and intimate 
relationships with friends and family so 
we can have people to confide in 
when the need arises. 
The biblical statement “he who wants 
friends should show himself friendly” 
isn’t just advising you to be friendly with 
people and acquire acquaintances. 
I believe it’s saying to be the kind of 
friend you want. 
If you want vulnerable friends, be a 
vulnerable friend. 
If you want friends who give wise
counsel, learn to give wise counsel. 
If you want an empathetic friend who 
actively helps you to solve your problems, 
be an empathetic friend. 
You get the gist. 
I think that if you’ve invested a
lot of love and kindness in your relationships, 
you’re not likely to be fearful of your loved 
ones spreading your gist.
5. The worldwide web – there are websites 
like Quora where people ask questions 
and other people respond with answers. 
On those websites, Some people share 
personal challenges they have and need 
help overcoming, and different people 
respond with suggestions. 
The challenge with this mode of seeking 
counsel is that you do not know the people 
who are giving you advice and it’s risky to 
take advice on crucial matters from strangers.
6. The holy spirit – if you are a believer, 
you can speak to the holy spirit about 
any and every issue you may be going 
through. 
He’s the closest friend you can ever have 
and he gives wise counsel.
He can also direct you to people you 
need to confide in because we still need human
relationships and confidants to function properly.
I hope that we become more open and 
vulnerable to the right people and do 
not continue to carry heavy burdens just 
because we do not confide in people.