I am tired of trying
I am in a loveless marriage
I want out
My husband simply didn’t care
He never cared from day one
I believe he lost interest in me as a woman in the first few days of our honeymoon
I had to beg him for everything
I had to beg him to have sex with me
He had zero desire for me whatsoever
He does not initiate sex with me
Once he got lost in his world
He doesn’t see anything else
He is emotionally dead
He doesn’t care about romance
He doesn’t pet me
He doesn’t carry me
He is either married to someone else or to himself
Other people’s needs have always been more important than mine
He was not touched by the feelings of my infirmity at all
He called it emotional blackmail
When I cry, he looks the other way
He says I am always trying to manipulate him
All I talk about is feelings, feelings, feelings, my feelings
Don’t I have a right to my own feelings?
I am a woman, I need to be serenaded, to be chased
He should show me affection, make me feel loved and secure
Why couldnt he do that?
Sometimes I feel him cringe when I demand for a kiss, when he hugs me he was always in a hurry to disengage
I feel as if he married to have children and now that I have completed my assignment, i have no role left to play in his life
He doesnt keep late nights, drink, womanize, smoke and all that, he is a very responsible person
He was always behind his desk, working or reading or listening to music
If I go into his room to have a conversation with him, he was always impatient and irritated
As if I had poop all over my body and he doesnt want to see me (That's how I feel)
When I open my mouth to speak sometimes
It wouldnt take five minutes before he shuts me down
I feel as if he just didnt want me around, like I am some negative energy
Why would he hoard his emotion and starve me of what every woman wanted?
A woman knows when she is loved
I told him this often, I don’t feel any love, I have never felt loved since we got married
I don’t want us to hate each other
I think it is time we made the difficult decisions and part ways
I think we should just do it
It is my children that has kept me here
i dont think he would even notice if I am not around
And one day I might just walk out of this marriage
I know he would fight me to the death over his children
He loves them and he wouldn’t let them go at all
If not for that….
Do you know the story of the shepherd in the bible who had 100 sheep and one got lost?
Assume you were the shepherd
And every day you go out with 100 sheep
One particular sheep would get lost
So that after you get home it that one sheep you always had to go back for
Let’s say that sheep gets lost every day for one year or eight years
Wouldn’t you as the shepherd ask yourself some serious questions?
Wouldn’t you kill the sheep and eat it in peace and gladness
Knowing that the negative pattern shouldn’t be encouraged?
My wife had always been unhappy
Long before I met her, she was unhappy
I used to call her Ms. warrior, Ms. Fighter or warrior gene
It was not just her
All her people were like that
They have detailed memories of people who offended them since like forever and the offence in their heads
Whenever they met that was often the content of their discussion
“Remember when this one did such and such – I almost beat him up
Remember when that one insulted this and that – I stopped greeting him
Remember how those and whoever did something in 1987 –“
I believe you have gotten the gist
Perhaps that was normal human interaction, when we got married i related with her that way
Thinking that was the language she understood
She would take offence, she would keep malice, I would go after her after some days
She must fight! Or be offended! Or be unhappy! Or be something-
She feeds off negative energy, it drives her, spurs her on
The problem was, she started keeping a catalogue of my faults too
Like the pattern of human interaction she had always known
Whenever they had a disagreement, she would open it
“That was how you did that day….."
“That was how you said that day…."
“That was how you looked that day …."
She was quite good at it and the early days of our marriage were the worse for it because
I couldn’t keep up
The negative energy thing wasn’t working for me
She doesn’t even think of the opportunity of reconciliation during a disagreement
There was nothing she could not say
I responded in kind at the beginning but I was no match for her
Soon, my catalogue of wrongs was full to the brim and it started choking me
I was drowning
I decided to leave that cesspool and I told her so
We were both Christians, filled with the Holy Ghost
How could we be living our lives like this?
I went back to my source
Holy Spirit, please help me!
That was all I needed
I changed, stopped insulting her, stopped throwing muds
At first she thought it wouldn’t last
But it did
The better I got as I relied on the Holy Spirit
The wider the gulf between us
She kept screaming that I am not making her happy
If we had a discussion, she would be looking for a line she would hold on to as offensive, effectively twisting my words out of context to get her negative energy fix
For example, I said to her one day “I looked at your beautiful face one day and wondered why I was dissatisfied with you. I asked myself this question over and over until I remembered it was about the difference in our thinking process. I think heavenwards and you just think carnal! All the time."
Her response was, thank God you have told the truth! You are dissatisfied with me. You have always been… (She had picked a line and turned it to offense weapon)
That was the pattern
Sometimes she would say, “You are dissatisfied with what you see when you look at me”
I would ask her how she came to that conclusion
She would say she knew instinctively
I once asked her, “Must everything about me be negative”
Ask her who takes care of the children, who keeps vigil on them when they were sick, who nurtures and was always there for them!
Ask her who stands in the gap spiritually in the family? Ask her if I had ever cheated on her. I am boldly saying I have not!
It is true that I am happy and she is unhappy! I feel very sorry for her and I know it is unfair
But she shaped her own reality with her own words and her insistence on feeding off negative emotions
She does not know how to forgive, forget, overlook, ignore, and/or move on
How would anybody be happy living with an elephant's long memory?
I am the opposite, I have trained myself not to be bothered by other people’s thoughts and opinions of me.
For her, my lack of complaints, compliments –whatever meant I don’t love her. If I did, I would wallow a little in her mud with her…
I cannot come down to that level again. It is either she comes out of the miry clay or stays in her misery
Finally, she said I am not sexually attracted to her and that I mentally check out anytime she is on the bed beside me
That is not true
She was always unhappy – Misery is unattractive to me – It is like a child covered in stool insisting you must carry him or her without washing them up first.
She says that means I am attaching condition to my love for her because Jesus loves her as she is! That’s fine. I also know Jesus said “Ye are my friends if you do what I command you to do”
Jesus had been more than merciful unto us all. We didn’t become born again to live in misery. He gave us a life full of joy and power. Why would anyone choose to live in perpetual sorrow!
She simply cannot help herself! The poison had eaten deep into her being. She had accused me of all sorts. From the terrible to the laughable!
She would in one breathe say, “I am nobody to you. Only the mother of your children. You love your children more than me. You don’t love me”. In another breathe she would say “You don’t love us, me and my children, you only love yourself)
She would say “I know you are cheating on me” and then say “You lack the capacity to love, how can you even cheat”
Why couldn’t she leave pain, anger and misery behind?
It is just a decision away!
Nothing gives everlasting joy like the Holy Spirit. Not to fan the flame of that love and expecting that someone equally human would give you that joy is guaranteeing yourself and those around you a lifetime of misery!
Sir, one other thing, she says she wants to leave, but that no other woman can take care of our children! That is a lie! I will not allow her to infest my children with her mindset. Ask her how many times I had to berate her for reporting me to our children earlier in our marriage! If she says she had forgotten, remind her of a recent time she was crying in the car and I had to keep telling the children “I am not the one who did anything to mummy o, mummy is just feeling stressed up, mummy will soon be okay” so that the children will not be scarred for life!
I have a duty to raise emotionally balanced, godly children.
I will fulfil that mandate!
Do I want her to go? No!
Do I want her to be happy? Yes.
Can she be happy with me? Yes!
Can she be happy without me? Yes!
She should do whatever she wanted.
PS: Please patiently read, learn, work on yourself, don’t judge, just comment and counsel.
This home has my 100% backing for success! I am rooting for the loving couple already!