Letter from Benin

Hi Gbenga, kindly publish my story. Thank you

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The first time I visited a sex toy shop

I was dying inside as I looked at the wares

I kept telling myself the alternative was unthinkable

The alternative will be either to hurt someone else or to hurt myself

The man sales man at the office tried very hard to make me relax

He could sense my discomfort

He knew I was very uneasy

He asked me what I wanted

I had no idea!

Not an inkling what it was called!

I saw it in a video on YouTube

I decided it is better to give it a shot than burn in such a way that I will do something I regret!

I told the man I don’t know what it is called

He should let me look around

I lied that I was a research student from the university

I needed some of his toys for my research project

I did this because I am a deaconess in church

Somebody one day could come and ask him what I came to do

I wanted him to be clear on that

He showed me all sorts

I wept inside

I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything that day

I went home and cried on my knees

Why wouldn’t God just take away the sexual urge from me

Why?

I am burning inside

I know what could quench this fire

I know where to get the fire quenched

But not every hose was allowed to invade my burning members

And the hose that had the legal right had died!

He died on his way back from the north

He died and left me with two children

Aged four and two

I was 27 years old when it happened

Everybody expected that within a short time I would remarry

I believed so too

I wasn’t going to remarry because I want somebody else to take care of my children

Their father’s office cut us a sizeable cheque after he died

I put the money in a trust fund for my children

I have a good job

I have a good life

But I need a husband!

I need to have sex!

Everybody kept telling me “Thank God you have children, concentrate on them, they are your husband now! They are your tomorrow! They are your consolation! They are your comfort!”

I heard and agreed with them

But then my body wouldn’t relent

Wave after wave after wave of stinging pangs of venomous longing

I spoke in tongues

I prayed

I cried

Of course, I didn’t want to die

I want to live to see my children do great things in life

Yet it seemed only death would put an end to the raging storm in between my legs

I read many books on how to control it

I watched many videos

I avoided obvious triggers and kept my mind on the godly, the goodly and the glorious

But it wasn’t enough

Sometimes I would cry and cry until it subsides

At other times, tears would be insufficient to satisfy it

It was hell!

I tried everything I could to get myself a relationship

A young widow or even a single man who would share the future with me again

I couldn’t!

Men want sex!

At first, I resolved not to sleep with anybody before I marry again

But Solomon was wiser than I

He said we shouldn’t kindle the light of love until we are ready

I kindled it with my husband

He was my first

He was quite good at it

He made a satisfied woman of me in that regard

I never appreciated that in him until he was dead

I realized that what he gave me in the bedroom was priceless

Other women talked about their men as weak in that department

Not my man

That seemed to be my undoing here

My body had come to enjoy the honeycomb my husband fed it with

It wouldn’t settle for denial

Later I decided if I meet a decent guy, I will consider having sex with him even if we were not talking marriage

That worked for a while until the subject of my children comes up

I can’t hide them!

Then the men will evaporate like the dew of the morning

It is true that there are so many single ladies looking for a husband

A widow coming into the same market with them is at a great disadvantage

My mother said in the olden days, I would have been given as a wife to my husband’s younger brother

I laughed at the idea while I was still mourning my husband

After three years of keeping locked legs and suffering for lack of sexual satisfaction

He came with his family one Christmas season

He is a Christian and a very good one

I told him a cock and bull story

I said my legs hurt and I needed to get some hampers from my office

He offered to drive me to the office

As soon as we left the house, I told him I was taking him for a date

I needed someone to sit opposite me in a restaurant and look at me like a woman

He smiled and drove me to the restaurant

We talked

We talked some more

I told him I was slipping into depression

I have suicidal thoughts

I am going crazy

I needed help

He was genuinely alarmed!

I took my phone and googled “treatment for depression”

I passed him the phone

He read it

I told him I want him to dance with me and then I want him to cuddle me

I was already crying

He agreed

We danced

I got a room at the hotel upstairs

We cuddled

I cried in his arms, it felt so good to be held by a man

He held me gingerly at first, like a brother holding a sister

I adjusted my body

My breasts landed on his chest

I began to tease his neckline with my lips

He stroked my hair, stroked my ears

I started kissing his cheat, his nipples

He roared to life like Tarzan,

Wow! I hadn’t seen that effect on a man since …..

I slipped my hand inside his trousers

He unbuttoned my blouse

We were game!

I didn’t let him go

His wife called and called

We left home at 2pm

We returned at 11pm

I took the three years of lack back in the last five hours

The next day the entire family went to the beach

We had been doing this even before my husband died

It was the best day I have had since my husband’s death

It was as if I exorcised a demon

The new year came

I waited until February and placed a call to him

He came the next day

It was sex, it was good sex and it kept me sane and my family intact

We have been having this routine every other month for four years

We both live in the same city

Though we are about 30 kilometers apart

I make no demand of him and he makes no demand of me

I am careful not to get pregnant as he is

There was no room for suspicion

His wife is a Christian sister of mine

Recently, his church decided to make him a pastor of one of their branches within the same city

He mentioned it to me and I said no!

He said his wife was happy about it and sees it as the plan of God

But I was uncomfortable with it

I know how this works

I believe God is not against what we have together

Check the Bible and you will see that, that was the practice of the Jews

Yoruba tradition (We are Yorubas from Nigeria) also practice it

But we live in a very hypocritical society

Nobody considers his life worthy of much scrutiny at the moment

Let him become a Pastor

People will start looking for a way to scandalize him

Someone will take his picture and mine and post it on the social media

They will ruin our joy

It is a risk I cannot take for obvious reasons

Sleeping with him was one of the events I look forward to every other month

His wife had him with her everyday

I cannot allow the church to take that away from me!

I will not!

Ps: This letter came in via mail today

What do you think?