Parenting

There are women who raise boys all by themselves and they did a good job. There are also men who raised girls all by themselves and they did a good job. Raising children comes with no manual and each child is unique. You must separate emotion from some issues in order to determine the best course of action to take and you must add emotion to some issue for the same reason. A young lady was caught having sex with a seventeen year old boy by her father in his house in Magodo. The man was a pastor. The boy was the son of one of the deacons. He realized that the two teenagers were in “love”. All the signs were there. Over 200 love letters, cards and gifts exchanged outside of emails and text messages. They both average seven hours on the phone daily, meaning all night calls. The girl was in SS3,The boy was in UNILAG Diploma.
The pastor, a very difficult and heady man did something shocking. He told the teenagers to dress up and meet him downstairs, When they eventually shuffled their feet to his presence, he made them a deal. You can continue to have this relationship if you both pass your exams and gain admission into the University next year. If only one of you does, then the relationship must end. The daughter, a slow learner who barely passes her exams sat up and began to study as if she would die. Her boyfriend did the same. The following year she gained admission to Covenant University and the young man gained admission to Unilag. And naturally, after the admission, they both lost interest in the relationship, She met someone else and the boy also moved on.When she was done with her first degree she moved to the USA and has since settled down there with her family.
Her younger brother who was just two years younger than that saw how the father treated the sister and began to bring girls home from all over the estate or school or wherever he got them from. The father heard about it and summoned him to a meeting. The father told him he must never see him with any girl in his house until he was done with his first degree. The father said if he impregnates anyone, every form of support will cease immediately. The boy knew his father and sat up. He also proceeded to Covenant University and from there went to Reading for his masters in the UK. He has since settled down with his family in the UK.
There is a third boy, the last child whose passion was football, He said he wanted to play professionally. The father encouraged him but insisted he must also study. Football didn’t work out eventually but he had his degree and he is currently a chartered accountant. When the pastor was retiring from active service some years ago, he told the story of how he handled the three children. He said the girl had always been slow and lethargic towards life. It was her nature not to be interested in anything no matter how cheap or expensive. He saw for the first time that she was really interested in the boy and couldn’t lose that opportunity to redirect her life using the relationship as a bait. He said the first boy was brilliant and very smart. He knew he had to be reined in, not encouraged otherwise he would become a philanderer in future. So what he needed was discipline. He said the third was a free spirit, someone who rarely concerns himself with what people think or trying to impress anybody. He knew football was a risky dream but it gave him something to dream about. All he had to do was offer him a viable alternative.
The man didn’t raise his children according to church doctrine or morality as a code of conduct. He adapted to their strengths and weaknesses and made decisions based on that. He is a very smart parent in my opinion. Most parents allow their emotions to lead them when making decisions.
They don’t consider what is best for each child. They consider how it looks on them and how people will judge them. Parenting is not all about you as a parent. It is about guiding your children or ward to the right course in life. Sometimes, love must cry!
-GSW-

On Parenting II
I will share this, even though it is not my story to tell. I know a pastor, a military man’s wife who insisted that her husband must not train the children with the rod of discipline. Her first daughter was attending an all girls boarding school in Owerri. The girl and a friend scaled the walls of the hostel and sneaked to the home economics laboratory. They broke in, ate all the food and then set the place on fire to cover for their misdeed. They reasoned that the school will assume there was a fire outbreak and this will cover up for their misdeed. They got caught and were expelled with immediate effect. The man heard it and felt the girl needed discipline. The mother said all she needed was love. It was hunger that made her steal and it was in a bid to cover up the evidence of stealing that she set the laboratory on fire. Her husband listened to her. The next card she played was that she wanted her daughter to go and school in the USA. The girl was just twelve years old
The man asked if the mother would go to the USA and raise the children. The woman said her husband wanted to trick her out of the house so that he could marry a second wife. After much pressure, the man agreed.The girl was taken to a school in America. From that point, it became a culture. The other two children finished primary school in Nigeria and were taken to the USA for their secondary education. Years went by, everything looked very good on the surface. The girl never stole anything or misbehaved throughout her secondary school and university education. She graduated and got a job. Then she cut off her parents completely.
When they didn’t hear from her, they reached out to her younger sister and begged her to travel to New York and check on the older sister. When the younger sister gave them a feedback, she said her older sister is suffering from psychological trauma because she was abandoned by her parents. Abandoned? How did we abandon her? The second daughter told them her sister was undergoing therapy and might turn around or not but for now they were to leave her be so that she can heal. The mother felt what she needed was more pampering but what she needed was attention. She resented her parents for not paying attention to her. Tough love is still love. It may not be easy on the eyes but it does wonders to the soul. Smoldering a person with affection at the expense of discipline is dangerous. Solomon said we should avoid taking the extreme position in all things.
That second child who they felt had adjusted better than the first and who never gave them any issues got a job with an international cable network. It was on that network that the parents found out she had gotten married to another lady. Since the parents never lived with the children, they had no idea what her sexual orientation was. The only son they had left the USA for the UK at some point as a member of a rock band. He got into drugs and did a lot of spells in different prisons for various offense. By this time, the mother had started touring churches and giving huge donations to pastors to help pray for her children. The pastors saw many things, some even accused the man’s mother of being the witch who didn’t let the children turn out right. Fasting and prayers, all sorts of anointing oil and handkerchiefs were taken abroad by this woman to try and correct the course of her children.
Nothing worked: She decided to buy or get husbands for her daughters. It was the typical way spoilt mothers who are raising spoilt children think. She recruited through the church, well trained young men from the youth church into a company she founded. She then started this elaborate deceitful scheme to identify the most responsible of the boys and then promised to take them to the USA and establish them.By this time the first daughter was thirty five and had barely started communicating with her parents again. The mother flew to the USA and told her she had found her a boyfriend from Nigeria. She agreed to meet the guy. The guy got to the USA, stayed for a few months until the lady got pregnant and then he left. He said the lady was not a wife material. That pregnancy produced the only grandchild the woman and her husband had till date. The second girl wanted nothing to do with a man, the last child is still in prison. The mother went to the USA to bring the child of the first born home to train. He became the consolation child of the military man and his wife. Yet the wife had not learnt much from her past experiences. The child would misbehave and she would spare the rod by making excuses for him. Sometimes she would threaten him by saying “I won’t let you fly in first class with me when we are going for summer”. If he was caught doing something wrong. Nobody dared correct him
By this time the military man had retired and was in his late seventies. The grandson was attending a school in Lagos. One day, the woman woke up and all her husband’s properties in Lagos had been sold off. The ones in the USA had also been sold off. The only property left unsold was the one she and her husband were living in,Who sold all the properties? It was the grandson. He left a note for her grandparents. He said he was an American citizen and was forcefully brought to Nigeria to live with her grandparents because of their insecurities. He said he sold the properties to compensate himself for all the time they made him spend in Nigeria as a hostage. The man had stroke and died a month after the grandson left. The woman became a shadow of herself (rarely leaves her room now and always with the curtains drawn, no light of any kind all day and all night. Doctors said she is suffering from chronic depression). When church members and pastors pay her a visit, she keeps calling them by the name of the grandson. Her story makes many people cry till today.
PS: The consequences of raising delinquents vary. Everybody will end up paying if we don’t train all our children the way they should go in life
-GSW-

On Parenting III

Just yesterday, a single mother and a widow called me to share with me how her first son, 18 years old boy, beat her up and almost smashed her head on the floor. She said the younger one to the 18 year old who is 16 years old was the one who rushed to her rescue by holding his brother so that she can escape. She has three sons (18, 16 and 7). She said she had to report the case to a friend who is a soldier. The friend at first thought he was doing hard drugs and sent soldiers to pick the boy up. They did a lot of tests and discovered he was not on drugs. The soldiers were shocked that a boy could beat up his mother that way absent of substance abuse. They drilled the boy for a week, until he softened and began to beg his mother to rescue him. The mother said he has been the most well-behaved boy since then.
I am not in support of flogging children, I raised my children with words but once in a while, when it is needed (not to be abused or made an everyday thing) the rod must come out to save a child from destruction. If that boy had killed his mother, he would have ended up in prison for life and the younger ones would have become orphans.
-GSW-

On Parenting IV
In 2016 , when My Mum called me one Friday that My younger brother was arrested by the Policemen. I asked her what He had done, She said the Policemen were on patrol when they arrested him and claimed he looked tattered, while they caught him with cannabis. I couldn't believe it. But then, I told myself that it is time I went back home, so I could keep tabs on what was really happening. We grew up in a very communal environment; Abesan Estate, Ipaja precisely. As I went about my activities, One of our Ègbóns in the neighborhood called me and said; Gbemileke, what are you doing about your younger brother? Do you know that your younger brother is now a cultist within the Eiye confraternity? I asked for an evidence and the Bros gave me. I did my clear findings and discovered that this was true
I confided in my Dad, and He said that I wasn't telling the truth; Baba said, it isn't possible for a boy who wasn't yet in the higher institution to belong to a cult group. My Dad said I was trying to frame him up because He(My Younger Brother) and I were always having fights. Between late 2016 and 2017, My Younger Brother was arrested by the Policemen more than 6 times. One day, I told my Dad, "Let's take this boy to the barracks, let him get dealt with by Men of the Nigerian Army". My Dad said; See, I don't want problems ooo, what if the soldiers Do beyond what they are asked to do and kill him? Please ooo, Leave my son alone. I replied my Dad; Very soon, three things might happen to this boy: It is either he is killed or almost killed, It is either he end his life in prison or he is sentenced to death by the government. My Dad said, stop wishing your younger Brother Bad, none of these will happen to him In Jesus name.
On the 26th of December, 2020, A cult clash happened within Abesan Estate, Boys were killed. This clash gave birth to another clash within Gowon Estate, Ikotun , Egbeda and Ogba, Boys were killed, some were maimed. The ones who didn't die had to leave the environment. My Brother was involved, He was almost killed. Infact, He died, but God's miraculous power brought him to life. He was Injured on his head, back and hand; Infact, Part of his tendons and ligaments on his right digits were ruptured and he can't raise a part of his fingers anymore. When we say children need tough Love, it is no lies. An average child is a child Capable of Self-destruction; You need very tough "Love" to take care of children at some point in times. Sometimes, to call them to order, do something very inconvenient to them
-Oluwagbemileke Calebs

On Parenting V
I will always thank God for 2001-2003. My father disowned me for those two years and I had to go fend for myself. I gained admission to UI, was not serious, was determined to join a cult (didn’t know how to or I would have joined) I was on a self-destructive path. I knew it but couldn't help it. My parents realized they were raising a future enemy of state. My father decided to disown me. I left the house in anger. It took two years for my brain to reset. By then my WAEC result was no longer tenable. My then girlfriend whom I was living with was finishing her OND and I had nowhere else to go. I saved some money, from hard work. Bought NECO form, Sat for NECO in Eruwa, Got the result.
Then I went back home to apologize and present my result. My father immediately started me on the process to Bowen University. I wrote exams, did interviews, and by October 2004, I was back in school. All the darkness in me was gone completely. We must understand that each family has its own dynamics. What will work for one will not work for the other. We shouldn't judge others for the hard decisions they had to take by assuming if we are in their shoes we would have done better. May the right steps be taken to order our paths by the right people who God has placed as guides over our lives. Amen

-GSW-