Red Flag

He remembered one of the popular sayings of his grandfather whenever they had the opportunity to talk about relationships and the tough reality a man or woman will face if he or she finds himself or herself entangled with the wrong kind of spouse. His grandfather would often say "If you die for her, it is never enough. if you cut off your head for him, he will say he didn't ask you to make such a sacrifice. He or she will cheat on you just so he or she can make a point Instead of love, he or she loathes you and instead of leaving you with dignity he or she will stick around in your life just to ruin you. If he or she cheats on you, it is your fault. If you break up with him or her, he or she will turn it into a war. He or she does not love you but he or she would rather waste your life than let you move on to someone else in peace".

His babe brought her other boyfriend to her parent's house. He had suspected she was cheating on him but he had no evidence. He was away in school but he just had that gut feeling so he returned home from school and told nobody.

That very day, he dressed up and decided to check on her at home. When he got to her house, he saw her and her boyfriend, her younger sisters and some friends were also there. The atmosphere became tense he however didn't act as if he noticed the tension, he greeted everybody and told them he was just passing through on his way home from school. He walked away from there with dignity.
Later that evening she came to check on him at home. He welcomed her without saying anything about what he saw, she asked him when he returned from school, he told her he suspected she was cheating and decided to come to her house to check her unannounced. She said "And you got what you wanted, didn't you". You knew or suspected I was cheating, that is not good enough for you, you must come and see. You must not come and embarrass me in front of my friends and younger ones. Do you know how they are talking about me now or even thinking about me? Do you think that is fair? He didn't know how to reply to her. She insinuated that he was at fault for catching her with the other guy. So he kept quiet. She was also quiet for a while then she said "I need you to understand why things went the way they did between us. I don't like dating someone I cannot see often I told you this before you went off to school I know you must have someone you are dating in your school; I won't be the lady that will be dumped while waiting for one man to come and marry her. Whenever you are here, I am here when you are not here, I make plans to cope with your absence. Do you understand that? He didn't say a word. She told him she would like him to walk her home so that her parents could see that they were still together. She does not want to have to tell them that she has been cheating on him. He was the one they knew as her man the other guy was just a placeholder to keep her company when he was not around. He shrugged and walked her home.

On the way, she held his hands, and they smiled and laughed as if everything was fine. He played the role she wanted him to play perfectly. When he got back home that night, he sat down and wept she was his first love, the one he swore he would marry he had never looked at another lady since they began to date, she was sufficient for him .It was however apparent that he was not enough for her, he had put all his eggs in a basket and somehow the whole lot had been thrown off a cliff .He decided he would not throw tantrums or cause a scene, he would open his heart again and find another lady who would see him as worthy of her love and stay with him .She came over the next day, they spent the whole day together she expected him to blow hot and scream pepper ,he was calm and ebullient .They spent the whole day watching movies and threading water it was as if everything was back to normal. He however noticed that she was no longer hiding the other guy from him the guy called her twice and she switched off her phone he realised she hadn't told him the guy was gone and she had repented. She had somehow made it seem acceptable to him that she was dating the two of them.

When she was leaving the next morning, she asked him to check in when he got to school. She said "I know you don't like calling all the time but maybe you should be calling sometimes so that someone else won't be doing all the calling and make you forget your babe" he said he would call.

Everything had changed but it seemed things stayed the same she was the love of his life it is true that when he gained admission to the University in another state, she told him she most likely wouldn't be able to cope with his absence. She told him she was not the kind of girl who pines for a guy or hugs her pillow while thinking of her boyfriend. He is either present or he is not real. He assured her at the time that he would do everything in his power to make sure she did not feel his absence. He made promises he couldn't keep. What he envisaged while going off to school was not the reality he met on the ground, things were very tough financially. He was on a scholarship and he was expected to deliver a CGPA of 4.5 and above to keep the school fees coming.

He was studying a very sensitive course and A United States Agency was very much interested in recruiting him if he proved to be as prodigious as they hoped. It was either he worried about love and lost out on the promising future that he had worked hard to secure for himself all his life. He didn't totally abandon her; he spent every minute of every break with her. She knew the plan and that he had his eyes exclusively on making the cut to get recruited. They were both from a very poor background. He was an orphan, raised by his mother's elder brother he met her the very day his uncle relocated from Lagos to Ibadan, he had no option but to move with him. He met her two days later by the public well where they all fetched water. He had great plans for her but he could see she had no plan for him he graduated and got posted for NYSC .They didn't break up to her, they now have an understanding he called her when he could and she did the same .They met as often as they could and spent many wonderful moments together .She came to visit him while he was serving in Oshogbo, and she spent almost a month with him she was still seeing the other guy or maybe several other guys ,he never asked her about it she had made it clear that she was a certain kind of girl and he had redefined his expectations accordingly.

By this time, he had been offered an American visa based on his exceptional talent and he had the right to bring family members with him. She came to visit him and saw the documents. She asked him why he hadn't told her about it, that had always been the plan. It was a long shot.

When he was contacted by the American Agency after solving a global coding puzzle in three minutes she was the first person he shared the good news with.She should have been the first person he would share the news with when they got to the stage of filling the travel forms for spouse and other dependants he didn't say a word she pressed him, what is the issue? Did I do anything wrong? This was our dream and God has done it. Why are you quiet? Say something? He ignored her, she left his house immediately when she sensed that he was not forthcoming.

That evening, her parents called him she had told them he would be travelling but he was acting weird towards her. His uncle also called, she was his only friend and girlfriend of over ten years She was all they knew and they already treated the two of them as a couple .He tried explaining on the phone but his uncle wouldn't have it ,his uncle kept saying he has a good name and a good reputation and will not be dragged in the mud by any form of scandal .They all live in the same estate and to his uncle, the optics were funny he told her parents he would be coming home soon and when he came things would be resolved It was supposed to be a straightforward conversation "I met her and liked her, she liked me too and we decided to date .Along the line, she started seeing other guys I do not want to be married to a lady that cannot be faithful to me so I don't want to marry her anymore and as a result of this she will not be travelling with me to the USA".

When he got home he realised she had done the groundwork she had told her parents and his uncle a story. In the story, she made a mistake somewhere along the line while they were dating and they resolved it. He was now trying to capitalize on that same mistake to punish her and break his promise to her. Her parents started by apologising ,they said she had told them everything and they had chastized her. They said she was only being childish and she had been disciplined. They appealed to him to forgive and forget the whole issue, his uncle was on the same train it had been decided before he even spoke a word it was a gangster's move in which he found himself checkmated by sentiments. He was impressed but she made one mistake. She assumed she could dictate to her what he must do and outplay him to accept her version of the truth as his reality. He told everybody he was okay with their decisions she was made to kneel down and apologise to him before them everybody laughed and left the two love birds to patch things up. He didn't discuss the issue with her, the next morning she left his room early without telling him where she was going. At around noon, she returned with a truck full of household materials a TV, a DVD player, a standing fan, a ceiling fan, a rug, a fridge, a blender, kitchen wares, a radio, a box of clothes, books, a standing mirror, an iron an ironing board, and so on.She went to break up with the other guy and she packed her load from their "flat" to his house .He had no clue that she had another life entirely planned out outside of him until that moment. Even though he was unconvinced by the stunt she pulled the previous day, the moment he saw all the stuff she brought, he realised he could never be happy being married to her. She had chosen him simply because he was moving to the USA, if he had not been successful in that regard, she would have moved on with the other guy. She told him she did it so that he could see that she had closed that chapter of her life forever, he nodded and smiled.

A month later, his visa was ready two weeks after collecting the visa, he told her he was going to the embassy to sort out some things. He hopped on a plane to the USA without saying goodbye! He says he had no regrets whatsoever walking away from the relationship. He found her to be too manipulative and untrustworthy, he said he met another lady in church after a year in the USA. The lady had the right mentality and they had a unique understanding of each other he got married to her. As for the lady he left behind, he said she moved on a week after he left Nigeria. He never bothered to find out who she got married to or any other thing about her life. All he knew was that she was alive and well.
PS: “A society in which conjugal infidelity is tolerated must always be in the long run a society adverse to women. Women, whatever a few male songs and satires may say to the contrary, are more naturally monogamous than men; it is a biological necessity. Where promiscuity prevails, women will therefore always be more often the victims than the culprits. Also, domestic happiness is more necessary to them than to men. And the quality by which they most easily hold a man, their beauty, decreases every year after they have come to maturity, but this does not happen to those qualities of personality —women don’t really care two cents about our looks—by which we hold women. Thus in the ruthless war of promiscuity, women are at a double disadvantage. They play for higher stakes and are also more likely to lose. I have no sympathy with moralists who frown at the increasing crudity of female provocativeness. These signs of desperate competition fill me with pity.” ― C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock: Essays on Theology and Ethics There are times we find ourselves in a relationship which we had high hopes for but simply turned out to be a mistake. The guy knows it, the lady knows it, the wise thing to do is to part ways immediately and not waste each other's time. If the guy says "Let us part ways" The lady says "You are giving up too easily, fight for us, we can make this work" If the lady says "Let us part ways" The guy says "You were never committed to this in the first place, you used me" They both know the truth and yet they play the victim card The worst is when either says "People don't walk out on me in relationships, I walk out on them! People don't break up with me, I break up with them! Some are so childish that they will do everything to make up and then break up with the other person just for bragging rights. You may not be responsible for the way the other person behaves but you are responsible for your own behaviour .Always remember this!
-GSW-