The Perils of Doubt

Sir,

I met my wife in 2019, and we began dating in 2020.

In Feb 2022, I travelled to Germany for my Masters.

I promised to marry her and encouraged her to go back to the College of Nursing for an additional degree to give us better options here when she eventually joins me.

I did my best to focus and stand by her, and the new environment was tough to adjust to.

In September that same year, I met a Nigerian lady who’s also a pharmacist and had been here for 2 years before me.

She found out that I was trying to register as a pharmacist and offered to assist me in any way I needed help.

Along the line, she expressed that she liked me and would like to pursue a relationship with me.

I would always talk about my walk with the Holy Spirit with her, and I thought I could be her friend and share my faith with her too, but she made sure that didn’t happen, as she said she wasn’t ready.

I made the mistake of not telling her off. I kept her around as a friend and was selfish.

I won’t deny that I liked her, but I couldn’t fully commit because of my babe back home, who was also going through it in Nursing school.

I thought it was smart to have two options: I would say what if she finishes school and doesn’t want to marry me, what if?? What if??

I eventually started dating the lady after much pressure from her on why not? I didn’t tell her I had a girlfriend back home.

I thought maybe along the line something would happen, and then one of them would leave me.

She had feminist ideologies, and I thought I could help her.

She’s a Christian and a worker in her church, too.

When I realized how far I had gone with her, I tried to break things off with her, but I already had a soft spot for her and would always take her back.

In 2024, I went back to Nigeria to see my babe and was convinced she was here to stay.

I began to detach myself from the other lady, but it was so hard as we had “grown together”.

I finally broke up with her before my wedding in July 2025.

She told everyone who knew me that I broke her heart, but I had to remain steadfast.

I was afraid of future accusations if she found out I was married now and chose to be professional and cordial with her.

She still insisted on reviving the relationship. I didn’t agree.

We stopped speaking and only spoke maybe once or twice a week as friends.

Later in September of the same year, my landlord was getting married, and he invited us both

We took a photo together at the event

In February this year, I travelled to Port Harcourt to spend Valentine’s Day with my wife in Nigeria

By this time, I had not spoken with the other lady for about two weeks, even as a casual friend

I knew she was nursing the hope of getting together with me since she believes that we are both single

I had, however, made sure not to have any physical contact or expose myself to any dangerous situations with her since my marriage

While in Nigeria, my wife was going through my phone and saw a photo from my landlord’s wedding

She asked me if she was the woman whom I told her about. I

confirmed.

My wife became very upset.

I never told her I had a relationship with this girl for fear of hurting her.

She and I talked about how I seemed to almost drift off from the relationship sometime in 2024, before I came to Nigeria to see her, and she reminded me of the promise I made not to have anything to do with the girl again.

I assured her that I had kept to the promise and severed all ties with the lady, as she could see from the chat

The picture she saw was from my Landlord’s wedding last year

While I was explaining myself and trying to smooth things out, a message came in from this lady while the phone was still with my wife.

The following is the content of the message, sir

“Hi. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I wanted to reach out one last time to leave things on a good note.

I want you to know there’s no bad blood from my side.

What we shared was real, and I’ll always remember our time together fondly.

We were good in many ways, but as time went on, the family dynamics and the trust issues made it clear that moving forward could mean more harm than good.

When I blocked you, it wasn’t out of anger or to hurt you.

I genuinely needed space to think clearly and ask myself whether this was something I could do for the rest of my life.

Realizing that trust was one of the biggest challenges helped me understand that stepping away was the healthiest decision for both of us, even though it wasn’t an easy one.

I truly wish you nothing but the best moving forward. I hope your new job brings you growth, success, and fulfillment, and that life treats you kindly in this next chapter.

Take care, and thank you for the memories.

Ps. I only blocked you for a week, and I understand you blocking me right back! You can do that here, too, if it makes you feel better.”

My wife read it and became inconsolable. She took my phone and replied to the other lady thus:

“I am married now. I am sorry I didn’t tell you that blankly. I understand how you feel. Have a good life”.

I thought that would be the end of the discussion, but sir, my wife is still very upset and acting

I need help on how to show my wife that I’m not seeing this girl. I couldn’t admit to her that I dated her because I don’t even know how that would end. But she has already drawn that conclusion herself from this message.

I am lost, and I feel like I am losing my wife. Please help me.

PS: His wife loves him, and she didn’t want a repeat of what had happened in anyway

Their marriage is young and healthy

I laughed a lot while reading his message

I am equally happy while reading because there is very strong proof that he really loves his wife

He made mistakes, but he has corrected his course

I spoke with the wife, and all misgivings were forgiven