A Letter From Ghana

My love, I am broken but I will heal

A little misunderstanding between us that

led to a violent outburst finally opened my eyes,

or rather, my heart to accept the truth

I love you so much it hurts

Especially now, after I finally realized the truth

It hit me like a train and shattered

me in ways I never imagined possible

That I have never been ‘THE ONE’ to you

Even though I made you my world,

I never got the same treatment

I was never a priority

And at this juncture, I see now that I may

never be

We started so well.

I fell deeply in love

Now, though, I don’t know about you

Initially, it was hard for me to accept you

as a potential lover 

I threw caution to the wind and let things just

flow naturally

It has now hit me that you were never committed

to the marriage from day one

I remember almost canceling the ceremony

because of some actions of yours, that made me appear like a burden

I made sure to ask you not to marry me

because I was pregnant

A day after we got married, you were

already receiving semi-nudes from another woman

You were already discussing how to have a

final lovefest with her before leaving her.

What a shock that gave me and your best friend

was cheering you on.

Wow! How do men think?

Then a day after that, some girl comes looking

for you and is shocked to see me in your home.

She rudely asks who I am and when I reply that I’m your wife, she leaves in shock and dismay.

Less than a week of marriage and there's already

an issue.

Okay. I can let that slide.

Then you leave.

Whatever happened when you left, I will never know,

but now I am certain I was not the only one you

were ‘loving’

You returned.

We had our first fight and you avoided me like

I had leprosy for a whole 5 days.

How does a person love me, and refuse to even talk to me?

Then I told you to enjoy your ring.

You came running.

Thinking back, maybe you came for me not

because of love, but because of public perception.

We went to a party at Takoradi and you

took your friend along.

This friend, immediately went to sleeping with a

girl, he had just met.

I remember thinking, "If his friends are like

this, how do I know he doesn’t do this

as well?".

I had our first daughter and we were a nice

big happy family for the first month.

Then you started.

Stayed out of home most of the day,

coming home very late in the night,

sometimes with makeup stains,

smelling of female perfume, most

times drunk to a stupor.

Nothing I said ever made sense to you.

You were having the time of your life.

It didn’t matter.

My feelings didn’t matter.

You refused to have sex with me for a

whole 9 months.

It took months of prayer, before one night,

you just woke up and came, leading to the

birth of our second child

Unfortunately, during this time, things

turned upside down for us financially.

This time you were home.

You were present.

I mattered then.

We weathered the storm together.

We prayed and travailed.

Things turned around for your good.

Then busy, busy again.

You still stayed but eventually wandered off again.

I started getting weird infections.

I treated many and they were back.

It took me a while but I figured it was linked

to us having sex.

I didn’t know what to do.

In my heart, I was so scared to confront you because you lie. You always lie.

You’ve been lying about stuff you didn’t even

have to lie about.

I opened myself up to you, never for once denied

you anything a wife should give her husband.

I wanted to be there for you in everything,

but I was never enough for you.

Year in, year out, if it wasn’t another woman,

it was work friends, or family.

I was never a priority.

Always relegated to the background.

It didn’t matter.

You made statements about me that I never

could repeat to you.

You denigrated me for gaining weight that

was no fault of mine but just because I had

made and sustained other human beings

inside my body.

I was always compared to I don’t know who

but you made sure to let me know that I

was not worthy.

I don’t know if it was intentional.

I remember one time during a family friend's funeral,

You came home without telling me.

Someone called to laugh at me that now

that my husband was home, another baby

would come soon and that I was enjoying.

That trip home I realized was not for me.

I was never intended to know.

You probably would have lied about when

you returned if I had come to meet you

 at home. Or said something about a surprise.

It's never really a surprise, is it?

Telling you about my plans and desires

also was a mistake because obviously,

other people's plans and needs were

always far above mine.

I even asked you for a loan to start something,

and you told me you didn’t know where you

were going to get that kind of money from.

It was just 30,000 Cedis.

Then I find out you’ve helped other people set up

businesses. Ok ooo…

I didn’t even know what you wanted.

Outsiders knew things about you that I didn’t.

They knew the decisions you had taken and

many a time I found out by mistake

I used to clean up your wardrobe.

Have you ever wondered why I stopped?

Why it is so crowded now?

Why the maid is the one who arranges your

folded clothes, because I keep finding things

that tear my heart apart.

One time I found a female sexual enhancer

in your things.

I thought it was for me because you probably

thought I had a low libido but then the next time

I was cleaning up, it was gone.

And it was never used on me

What was I doing wrong?

I tried being more sexual with you but I noticed,

you couldn’t even properly get an erection with me.

It always had to be induced by rubbing on me

for several minutes, always hurting me.

I always took the pain anyway

Maybe you’ll stay with me only.

What lies I kept telling myself

You took another woman into our home, on our bed.

She started leaving bits and pieces of herself

for me to find.

She left her necklace in our bedroom.

I asked you and as usual, you lied.

All the other stuff doesn’t even make sense.

But you see, you’ve probably always thought

I was stupid.

Only because I respected my God to always

honour and submit to you so I decided to

never be a confrontational wife.

That was a big mistake because it gave

you the leeway to do whatever you wanted

knowing I would never talk.

The hidden texts, the cutting of calls, or

suddenly growing quiet on a call when

I enter the room.

You hide to make or take a call.

In the toilet, in the car.

What did I ever do to deserve all this?

I only ever loved you.

I could not believe I had to beg you for sex.

I had to beg you for weeks and months to

have sex with your wife.

The last misunderstanding, we had was a

true eye-opener.

Anytime you do something wrong and I try

to bring it up, you get angry.

But this particular one, you SLAPPED THE

WALL AND YELLED AT ME.

I woke up because how dare you?

I stupidly dumbed myself down to try to be

a good wife to you and now you have

graduated to being violent?

I know what I’m worth. I realize my worth.

I am an amazing individual with lots and

lots of potential.

Why would I do that to myself?

Why did I allow myself to coil into a shell?

Then the final breaker.

A used female sexual enhancer bottle in your bag.

I didn’t go snooping.

It fell out.

Not only are you having sex with another woman.

You’re having sex with a woman who needs a

boost before she can go all out for you.

When I could get wet for you at just a touch.

You would rather go on trips for sex with an

outsider, than with your wife

You would rather spend time with other people

having fun than with your family.

Heck! You can even stay with someone else's

family and watch them be a family than

create your own happy family

I realize now.

I am not the one.

I was never the one.

You didn’t even try to give me a chance because

from the get-go, there would always be

someone else.

Didn’t matter whether it was another lover or a friend.

It was anybody but me

And now, finally, it has hit me.

 I have endured the pain for so long.

I don’t want to anymore.

My heart is tired.

My mind is tired.

My body is tired.

I can't continue pretending everything is

alright between us.

It is not.

I don’t want to have sex with you anymore

 because now we both know I'm not the

one you’re sexually attracted to.

That pity sex you gave me after the argument

in a bid to apologise for snapping at me was

not needed.

I don’t want or need pity sex.

I am going to survive without sex.

 So please don’t do that again.

It seems I am also not the one you would share your thoughts with

I love you with all my heart.

We have had amazing times in this marriage,

I am not gonna lie.

Each year however comes with a new pain

because again I realise, I am never enough.

I do wish you well.

And I hope and pray you find whatever it is

that you’re looking for that you thought

I could never provide for you

The kids will be sheltered from all this

I promise.

I won't even let them see a tiny rift between us.

For now, I need my time alone to rediscover

myself.

PS: I am praying for every marriage in distress this morning, be made whole in Jesus' name. Amen

-GSW-