Contentment Will Save You

The first time I came across the grass being greener on the other side theory, it was as a result of a phone call I got from a married mother of five children. A woman whose husband labours day and night on an oil rig to give her the most comfortable lifestyle. Her husband set her up in three businesses. He built a photography studio, established a fashion label, and a modern-day bakery. All the hard-earned money he made was deliberately invested in one business or another, so that she could play her part in overseeing the investments and watching them grow.

One day, she called me out of the blue and said, "Brother Gbenga, I got married as a virgin, and I had this expectation that I would enjoy sex exclusively within the context of my marriage. Even though I have sex with my husband constantly whenever he is not on the rig, when I read the accounts of other ladies and the kind of mind-blowing and brain-dulling sex they have with their partners, I feel as if I am missing out on a lot. People talk about climaxing with body shaking and their spirit almost jumping out of their bodies. I have never experienced that. I am not saying I don't climax when we have sex, but it is not with the intensity of what I read or hear some other ladies talk about. This has been a big problem for me because I am not a small girl anymore. I got married at twenty-two, and I am now thirty-eight years old with five children. I have developed a routine with my husband when it comes to sex, and even though we try some other things here and there, I feel our bodies are now used to each other, and there is nothing new to get from him sexually. I was a virgin when we got married, and I always feel as if I am missing out on some great sexual experiences that my husband cannot give me anymore. You know he travels a lot, right? He is usually off to the rig for eight weeks at a stretch, then he comes home to spend a month with us before returning to work. My children are growing up very well, with the last being seven years old. I recently have some time on my hands, and I joined an old school alumni WhatsApp chat, where one guy who had always liked me since we were in school reached out and started chatting with me. It was fun at first until he began to talk about the things he wants to do to my body if he ever laid his hands upon me, and I was wondering if those things were possible. Sir, is it possible for someone's womb to shift? Is it possible for someone to start dripping while driving from Ogudu to Lekki in anticipation of a meeting with a lover? Is it possible for someone to lose the ability to walk after sex? Why have I not experienced these things? I have not met with this guy, but since I started chatting with him, sex with my husband has somehow lost the little spark it had before, and now I don't even enjoy it at all. This is why I am calling you, Brother Gbenga. I don't want to miss out on mind-blowing sex because I am married. Do I yield to temptation and visit this guy? I have also received a lot of calls from single ladies who are in their thirties and have slept with a lot of partners.

The main thrust of such calls or chats is about the frustrations of having to bed many guys without making a headway as regards their desire to get married. One said to me, "How many guys do I have to sleep with, since they are all demanding sex before marriage, only to ghost me after having sex with me?" I am not even enjoying the sex anymore. The last guy I slept with did the best he could, but I have become numb down there because my body is not responding like it used to anymore. I bled that day after the deed, and I decided it was better to go celibate than continue down this path. I want to be married and have children. Orgasm will not grow to be a son or daughter to me when I grow old, and my quest for it when I was younger was the reason I didn't get married to some of my most serious suitors. I was told this lie that a man can make you climax every time you have sex, and I notice that with some of my past lovers, the orgasm varies, while they always ejaculate. It seemed unfair to me that they get to release while I only climax based on probability, so I called off the relationship in search of the one who will make me climax every time we have sex. I am forty now, I cannot count the number of people I have slept with in Nigeria and even abroad, and yet, all I have to show for it now is regret for seeking sensual pleasure at the detriment of tangible blessings. If God can redeem the time for me, I will make better choices.

The third category is the one that assumed they could have the best of both realities, and unfortunately, lost out big time. A happily married woman with children falls for the silver tongue of a philanderer who just wanted to have sex with her. She felt she could have that earth-shattering sex without her husband's knowledge and still maintain a good relationship with her husband while keeping her family. She goes for the sex, and it turned out not to be that wonderful. Guilty conscience sets in, and rookie mistakes get made. A chat here, a voice note there, a misplaced word or gesture, whispers in the bathroom, and low-tone conversations in the car. The husband suspects something; had gone awry and probes a little. Confessions get made, and what she taught was some calculated distractions she could get away with sends her packing from her husband's house. She becomes a single mother with a complicated relationship with her ex-husband regarding the upkeep of the children. She begins to pay her own bills and work twice as hard as she did when she was married. Well, she is free. The sex thing she felt she could steal while married is suddenly no longer elusive, but many men will not buy what she has to sell. The ones that bought it would still not give her any form of satisfaction on the bed, and sometimes they would borrow money from her and use her rather than give to her. She then comes on social media and talks flowerily about being a happy single parent and all the whatnots to convince other people that her lot in life is not as bad as she feels. She can even become a relationship coach, a marriage coach, with live-streaming handles on Instagram to talk about relationships and marriages while actively hunting for a man who will give her some form of balance in this life. Tears-stained pillows are witnesses to all the lies, make-up, and fake smiles tell on videos and reels posted on social media by empty shells pretending to be full. PS: Some married folks look at single folks and envy them, while some single folks look at married folks and envy them. Our lives are streams of personalized reality, with each individual making the best of whatever lot is placed before him or her. Only fools compare themselves with others (The Bible said this). When a fruit looks too ripe in the bush, don't rush to pick it. Rather, ask the birds why they left it alone.
-GSW-