Irreconcilable Differences

The first time his wife pulled the stunt 
It almost cost him his life 
He had told his wife that he was allergic 
to periwinkle 
This was discovered when he was quite 
young 
The effect of the allergy was so severe 
at the time that he almost died before 
the right drug was found, he was
ten years old at the time 
He knew how he almost darkened the 
gates of heaven before he was pulled 
back to the realm of the living 
Since that time, he was always careful 
to ask anybody making any food if the 
food had periwinkle in it 
If the answer was yes, he would do 
without the food 
When he met his wife it was one of 
the first things he told her 
He also narrated the story of how it 
was discovered that he was allergic to 
periwinkle and how he almost died at 
the age of ten 
One day he got home from work 
His wife had prepared a very special dish 
He asked his wife what the special soup 
was called 
She said Ukazi soup 
She sat right beside him as he began to 
eat the soup with pounded yam 
After the meal, they cleared the plates and 
started washing the dishes together 
Suddenly his skin started feeling somehow 
He felt cold and feverish
He felt goosebumps everywhere he was 
disoriented 
His skin was biting him 
He ran into the bathroom, dipped his hand 
into his throat and started vomiting the food
he ate
It was a long night his wife kept saying 
"Sorry, Sorry, Sorry" 
She supported him and gave him water to 
wash his face and mouth
The ill feelings started coming in waves 
By 2AM, when things started getting out 
of hand, his wife rushed him to the hospital 
When the doctor on duty arrived, she noticed 
that his wife went into the consultation 
room to see the doctor before he was called in 
He was examined and given an antihistamine 
The doctor told him he was having an allergic 
reaction 
He kept quiet 
When they got home he asked his wife if 
periwinkle was in the soup she cooked 
She said YES! 
Why would you feed me with something that 
could kill me deliberately? 
His wife said "We are Christians! 
We should be able to eat all things after 
blessing it. 
Why can't you overcome this allergy by faith? 
Her response made him angry 
He said "Your father is a diabetic, you guys 
ensure you feed him with the right food 
so as to keep him alive. 
Why didn't you experiment your faith on your 
father? Why was it me you want to kill? 
It became a fight 
She took exception to his mention of her father 
He refused to take it back 
She ranted and raved and cursed 
He told her to take her foolishness back to her 
parent's house 
They kept malice for two weeks afterward
He regretted what he said but he felt she
 needed to learn not to play games with his life 
Somehow the matter died a natural death 
Some weeks later, he returned home from 
work to meet his wife looking as stern as 
the grave 
He greeted her 
She flew off the handle "You have given me 
an infection, you cheat! 
I woke up feeling catchy all over and I have 
gone to the hospital! 
The doctor told me i have an infection and 
I have never been with anyone else since i 
met you! 
You have brought your plague upon me, 
you rabid dog! His wife shouted on and on 
He had never cheated on her and found her 
words to be very offensive. 
She insisted they should go to the hospital 
for a test, she was sure she had nailed him! 
They got to the hospital, he was tested 
She was also tested again 
The results came out the next day 
He was as clean as a whistle but
she was still positive for gonorrhea 
It was his turn to look at her oddly 
The doctor asked her what could have 
happened? 
She thought about it, and said "I think it 
must be two weeks ago when i was in Dubai! 
I saw a used condom in the bathroom of 
the hotel i was lodged in. Well, we don't 
use condom and I dont know how a condom 
feels like so I inserted it into my finger and 
used it on myself! But i didn't masturbate or 
anything like that, i just put it in and took it 
out! 
That was it! 
The doctor's eyes were curiously fixed on her 
face as if he was trying to read the coefficient 
of his wife's foolishness! 
He was too weak to say anything, what was 
there to say? 
"How can somebody be so dumb and still 
breathe?" 
When they got home, he told his wife the truth 
He said "You need to start praying for wisdom, 
our people will say a foolish child cannot be 
rescued from death because nothing kills faster 
than foolishness! 
You are not wise at all" 
His wife got angry 
How dare you call me foolish? 
No matter what decision i made or how I did 
whatever i did, i am not beneath you and you 
cannot talk down on me! 
How can you open your mouth and call your 
own wife foolish! 
Are you not supposed to edify and speak 
blessings into her life? 
You are cursing me by calling me foolish and 
I will not take it. You are very foolish too! 
She was really offended by his comment 
He saw it as further proof of her foolishness 
"What if the condom had HIV virus in it? 
How could a 33-year-old Masters Degree 
Holder and a "management" staff of a 
multinational company do what she did? 
His wife was expecting him to be compassionate
and supportive? 
How was that even possible? 
What if he got infected?
His wife was angry for almost a month 
She refused to speak to him 
She said he was mentally abusive and hated her 
He kept quiet He wondered why the fool 
always ends up playing the victim and 
the wise always end up being vilified for 
being wise 
He eventually apologized for the sake of
peace 
Weeks after they made up, his daughter 
fell ill and had to be rushed to the hospital 
Just as they got to the hospital, his wife 
remembered that she forgot her notepad 
in the office 
His wife handed their daughter over to him 
and drove off to her office 
The doctor admitted their daughter and 
wrote him a list of drugs to buy from a 
pharmacy somewhere in Ikeja 
He called his wife His wife said she was in 
a holdup on her way to the office 
He needed money to get the drugs 
He needed the car for ease of movement 
His wallet was in the car
 He called his wife again and again
Hoping she would turn the car around 
His wife switched off her phone 
He had to call a friend to bring him some 
cash before he could get the drugs 
His wife returned to the hospital six hours
later complaining of being tired from the 
stress of driving 
He just told her to go home and she did 
He was the one who slept in the hospital 
with their baby 
His wife lacked maternal instinct, if she 
was not instructed, she wouldn't bother 
checking on the children when the weather 
changes at night or during the day 
There was a time the minders of the children's 
daycare center warned them not to bring
noodles to the creche anymore because 
there were more nourishing foods a parent 
must give their toddler 
His wife took offense and changed the creche 
"Nobody can tell me what to feed my children, 
do they know the stress I go through 
every day? 
Can they combine cooking with my
kind of job? 
One day his wife came home and told him 
about a piece of land that was being sold 
in her office 
She said some of her colleagues have bought
from the land and she wanted to buy too
He told her he was not comfortable with 
the idea 
The next day, his wife left the house very 
early in the morning, went to the bank and 
cleared their savings of two years
Almost two million naira
She paid for the land returned that day
with a document and a look of "Didn't I
tell you there will be no problem?"
Two months later, they got to the land
to start developing it and discovered that
it had been sold to someone else
The land sellers told them they didn't 
start development on time and that they
needed to add some more money to the
funds already paid to get another land
They knew they had been duped
His wife started screaming in the middle
of the forest
He was winking at her and all but she 
she wouldn't listen
The land sellers were about twenty
They were in the forest
He and his wife were alone with them
What was the point of getting violent?
When they left the site, his wife took
offense at his "control"
"Are you not a man? Local touts just
robbed us of two million Naira and you
stood there like a dummy?
You couldn't fight for our right?" She
screamed
He told her it made no sense to fight
The land sellers were holding matchets
and other things which they were using
to clear the path as they checked the
lands
The odds didn't favour violence in any
way
His wife didn't want to hear it
He reminded that he was against her 
buying the land in the first place
She replied by saying "Loving husbands
do not say I told you so"
This time his wife went to report him
to their pastor's wife
When they saw the pastor and his wife
the following Sunday and told the story
as it happened
The pastor told his wife she made a 
foolish decision
His wife stopped attending the church
from that day
She said the pastor was a chauvinist!
The last straw was when his wife
returned home from a family function
and told him she had bought a special
insecticide that kills bedbugs, 
cockroaches and other insects!
He told his wife to remember that their
first child was ashmatic, the second was
also showing symptoms of rhinitis
while their last child was a toddler
it is unsafe to expose children to such
chemicals
His wife said she had heard him
Later that night, at 12 midnight
His first son started wheezing, the
younger one started sneezing
A strange smell had taken over the 
house
He turned to his wife?
Why are the children reacting this
way, what is that thing I am smelling?
The look on his wife's face told the
whole story
He realised she had used the insecticide
he told her not to use
He quickly took his children out
of the house and drove them to a 
hotel because of the lockdown it took
almost an hour to find an establishment
willing to accommodate them
That was how he was able to save his 
children
As his children finally settled down to
sleep at 2AM
He began to ask himself some serious
questions
What if i was not at home today?
What if I didn't have the means to pay
for hotel accommodation?
What if armed robbers met us on the
way and injured us or killed us because
of this woman's behaviour?
His wife's black hole is sucking everybody
in her vicinity into itself
He needed to escape 
The next time, it might cost him more
than money and some inconvenience
It was time to walk away!

PS: of course we wouldn't let him walk
away
We would buy another cord and tie him
to her securely
We will quote the Bible for him and remind
him he was not given a Cross he couldn't
bear or a situation beyond his control
We will plead with him, blackmail him,
preach to him, beg him and implore him
Eventually, we would wear down his 
resolve and he would return to his wife
And then we would hope and pray
that his wife's foolishness does not
cause such a stink that he would look
at us and say "I ought to have walked
away when i had the chance"
May God keep this home and uphold 
both husband and wife with wisdom,
knowledge and understanding! Amen

GSW's note: Years ago, i came across
the term irreconcilable difference!
it was a term used in divorce cases
The wife told me that would be the
excuse they will give the world if
or when they part ways!
She was angry he took the children
out of the house and insulted her
for her actions
She was all up in arms!
I could only smile.
If my grandmother gets a hold of her
She would reverse engineer her
thinking process!