Rewriting History

A man met a lady who went about telling all sorts of stories about him that were not true after they broke up. The funny thing was, that the man never said a word to anybody about the lady. He allowed those who believed whatever she said to them about him to hold that belief. In his mind, he couldn’t see how that belief would hurt him. He owed nobody any explanation for his love life. He felt he might need to inform people when he wanted to get married or when he had children with the love of his life, but in his opinion, the nitty-gritty of the way of a man and a woman is not for a third party’s ears. Once you open that door, you ruin the relationship forever.

This man wrote to me asking me if I felt he was weird or normal based on the way he conducted himself throughout that saga. I told him about my observations regarding these things…

How I know if a man or a woman is mature enough to be married is simple. When they were courting, were they having issues that constantly led to the intervention of third parties?

If this is true, then the two of them should not be married in my opinion because if they get married, there will be more days of pain than days of joy. The days of courtship should be days of joy and happiness. The couple should be discreet, playing their cards close to their hearts

In the past, when the average age to get married for the educated lady was between 18 and 23, and for men 23-27, the use of a chaperon or a sponsor which is usually an elderly couple who watches over them and helps them navigate the shallow waters of a new relationship was essential, but this is not so anymore.

Today, educated ladies get married mostly between the age of 28-33, and men between the age of 33-40. Marriage between educated people is no longer between novices. The men know what they want and what they are doing. The ladies know what they want and what they are doing. Such relationships are not black markets that one buys with a lot of prayer and hope for the best. Relationships nowadays are done with wide-open eyes.

All the talk of partners pretending to be something while they are something else in order to get a husband is no longer the norm. Social media has helped many overcome the need to pretend to be what they are not. Once you check their timelines, you can figure out exactly the kind of person you are dealing with. The educated ladies without a social media presence or profile are usually side chicks who by the nature of their “situationships” cannot post anything on social media because they are custodians of secrets.

There are others who genuinely have no social media presence for their own reasons, which is noble or true to their character. Such people attract mates who also have no social media and therefore they are not isolated from the world.

Of course, some people post and delete videos at will. Some keep videos hidden in the “hidden” folder of their phones. Some try to avoid pictures as much as possible for reasons best known to them. All this means nothing.

Sociologically, the mind shift of this generation is almost at a hundred percent regarding people being true to their character as against what we have in the previous generations in which a man can pretend to be a Christian even though he belonged to another religion in order to marry a Christian lady…

If that happened nowadays, the same pastor that joined them in Holy Matrimony would be the one that would scatter the union as a product of false pretenses. Where virginity was a big deal some years ago, it is no longer a big deal today.

The world has changed and therefore only a fool will allow himself to be fooled into marrying anybody in today’s world.

The initial attractiveness is merely the appetizer. The intending couples will turn one another inside out thoroughly within the one year or six months of courtship in today’s world. The same way the man does not want to be saddled with a dead dog is the same way the lady does not want to be saddled with a dead wood.

Both sides do their due diligence THEMSELVES until they are convinced, they see a future together. If they don’t see a future together for one reason or the other, they part ways without any apologies.

Yes, there will be some heartbreak and heartache period, but it is not about love and the future. It is about the time in which they had invested and dashed hopes. This is the point where the two sides then must tidy up their stories.

People would ask them why the relationship did not work. It is nobody’s business, but it is expected that if someone cares about you, the person will ask questions.

What happened between you and the so-and-so person?

“Oh, we dated, it didn’t work, and we parted ways” This is a simple and reasonable answer.

Most men would go with this while some will start telling tales of how the lady had bad character or bad behavior or cheated or is materialistic or is lazy or demanding or not domesticated or whatever else.

Many ladies however feel the need to use this question to do a bit of public relations in order to clean up their image and label the man as the bad one. It is not necessary, but some do it based on the pain they were feeling at the time and other circumstances. This is when history begins to blur as it is written.

I remember a lady who told me so many woeful things about a man whom she dated for eighteen months but they didn’t end up married. The man did not say a word to me about her. Two years later, the same lady ad gotten married to someone else and I asked her about the same man she almost labeled the devil just two years before. She said “I cannot remember saying all those things about him. Really? He is not like that at all. I must have been very hurt”

When I was quite young, I remember the stories of Prophet Ayo Babalola’s wife which I heard from many pastors who claimed to know her and the man of God. I remember how today the stories have changed to the point where one almost doesn’t know what to believe again.

Someone told me her daughter did an interview which is on YouTube about her and said she was just a very firm woman.

Truth is that a daughter is not a neutral person who can truly tell you the conduct of her parents under any circumstances. It is the couple who will truly know if they enjoyed being married to each other or not

This is how an unmarried couple will know if the one they are with is the one they are meant to be with for life. When you are telling his story, even when he has hurt you deeply, how do you tell it? Do you love him so much that you find it difficult to say anything negative or think anything negative about him or her despite how hurt you are? Or do you purposefully go out of your way to fabricate lies and tell tales about such a person just to denigrate the person because you have broken up.

If after breaking up with a person, you go all out on a smear campaign to ruin the person, you never really love the person.

If after breaking up with a person, you find it difficult to say negative things about the person even though you are hurting, then you truly love the person.

-GSW-