Stumbling Through The Dark

My Wife seems not to have any presence of 
mind in our marriage. 
She wasn't cheating but something wasn't right
I just don't know how to explain it. 
We hardly have intercourse. 
The senior pastor of our church was her 
confidant. 
All in the name of they have known each 
other for long. 
She was working in the church office. 
Things went further into even the senior 
pastor's wife accusing her of an affair with 
her husband. Conversations like 'she is 
married now, what else is she looking for 
with my husband?' came up. 
Somehow some loyalist of the senior pastors' 
wife were already threatening to beat her up. 
When I told her I heard so and so, she denied 
it and it almost degenerated into a fight. 
There were several secrets I don't know. 
In fact, she used to tell me nobody and 
nothing can take her away from that church 
and the senior pastor. 
If you ask me, I will tell you I don't know 
if they are into any affairs because there isn't 
any serious evidence but there are pointers. 
One of the pointers is some mails they 
exchanged that I stumbled upon. 
Another was, whenever they are not in direct
communication, for example, when the senior 
pastor is busy like on a retreat or something, 
my wife will make the house unbearable. 
Her emotion is tied to the senior pastor. 
She could go some days not eating in the 
house because she hasn't heard from the 
senior pastor. 
So many pointers sir
There are so many stories. 
When we travel on holiday, either local or 
international, she maintains constant 
communication with the senior pastor. 
Usually, we travel out of the country twice 
a year. 
We travel separately once and then do 
December periods together. 
And we go to her parents in Osun state 
during Easter. 
Mostly I hardly touch her during our trips 
because she will never be in the mood. 
I just hang in there. 
In my 4 years of marriage, I can count how 
many times we copulate. 
Talk about respect and regards also, it's not 
there. 
She couldn't see me as husband. 
This is somebody that hides all her devices 
from me, even IPAD but she has access to 
all mine, as well as my IPAD. 
I can't make any decision except it is approved. 
She has a way of using style to let all our 
discussion go through the Pastor for scrutiny. 
Even up to traveling or whatsoever. 
I've mentioned to you that if the pastor is 
not happy with her, then our marriage is 
not happy too. 
We live like that.
There are just so many things. 
Let me tell you one time she was pregnant. 
And based on our genotype, you know the 
medical calculation was like the first child 
would be AA and then we can't guarantee 
others. 
During one of the antenatal, the only one 
I didn't follow her to during the period of 
pregnancy because I had an urgent 
appointment that morning, she was told by 
the doctors she needed bed rest because 
she has a fibroid that is larger like the size 
of the baby. 
She was advised to discuss with me and 
travel or come to the hospital, but she never 
told me. 
Well, we lost the pregnancy at almost 5 months. 
Just one morning, we were preparing to watch 
movies and she was alone in the bath, she 
just called me from the bath to come see, 
that something dropped from her and its 
on the floor. 
When I checked sir, it was the baby. 
Fully formed, head, arm, leg. 
Just remaining fingers, eyes, ear and hair. 
But the skeleton of a person was fully formed.
 It just dropped off from her. 
That moment I knew it was the baby but i 
couldn't tell her. 
I still have the picture of the skeleton on my 
phone. 
Immediately we went to our gynecologist 
family friend on the island. 
That one just broke the news to her. 
And told her to lay down to check if there is 
anything to evacuate again. 
That was when I first heard she was supposed 
to be on bed rest.
So she started several excuses. 
I wasn't surprised though. 
I was told she stresses herself 
This is someone I do everything for her 
at home. 
Once she is in that house, she does not 
even get close to the door not to talk of 
going downstairs to do anything. 
But once in the church she goes up and 
down tirelessly. 
Well, we lost the baby and when I met the 
pastor, that was when my anger was triggered. 
In our conversation, he told me she actually 
mentioned to her that the doctor said she 
should rest. 
And he has always been warning her about 
her up and down in the church. 
He also said he even told her he would report 
her to me. 
You know while he was speaking, the feeling like, 
"am I actually this woman's husband" came to me. 
Because here I am, ignorant of everything that 
the pastor was saying. 
She actually told the pastor of the doctors 
report but she wouldn't mention it to me. 
I was angry but what will I do. 
The pastor gave excuses like maybe she didn't 
want to stay back at home. 
After then, many other issues that raised dust 
and suspicion between the two of them. 
But sincerely, and true to God, I never gave 
it a thought for a second that maybe they 
have an affair or not. 
I just use to tell her that, ' protect your image'.  
One Sunday morning, I told her we aren't 
attending that church again for now, at least 
stay out of the scene for a while, she fought 
me thoroughly and said she must go to the 
church. 
I went further to say if she crosses the door 
that morning, she should not come back to 
the house again, but she still went despite 
my threat. 
And when she came back, I had no option but to 
open the door for her. =
From there we started going to different churches
And one evening, the senior pastor came to our 
house. 
While interacting, he said he would want to 
apologize to me for the scandal their relationship
had dragged my family through 
That was when he mentioned that even his 
wife was spearheading those rumors. 
I then turned to my wife that didn't I tell you 
about all these rumors and you denied 
there was never a rumor like that. 
Sir, even the pastor was shocked that my 
wife denied it to me. 
And this is not a position of fear of what I 
would do or sort. 
So the pastor told her never to do such again 
and to always come clean to her husband. 
I told the pastor how I said we should stay 
away from the church for a while and he 
said even if he is the one he would do likewise. 
But my wife would not agree. and every time 
the pastor sees her in the church, he won't 
send her back or do anything.
So these were some of the issues that 
unsettles me and I went to pray. 
I decided to attend a vigil my uncle has been 
inviting me to. 
The Lady Evangelist is from Osun State
She holds monthly program in Ibafo - Lagos 
Ibadan express way. 
So I went one of those day and I consulted her, 
I didn't tell her anything. 
Didn't say anything about my life or family. 
She just gave me some prayer points and 
to fast 3 days. 
I think white fasting. 
Now, during the fasting, one lady started 
coming to my mind. 
That's beginning of another story.
Her name is T, we dated far back even before 
I became born again and started getting 
serious with church. 
One time, she was pregnant for me and 
issues ensued. 
I took her to my dad and my dad said as I have 
brought her, she should also take me to her 
father and let's start making plans to solidify 
the relationship before the baby would arrive. 
While we left my dad's house and got back 
to her apartment, (she wasn't living with her 
father. Her family sent her mother away and 
remarried. The woman sent them all away.) 
Her elder sister, the 2nd born in her family 
started raining abuses and curses on me. 
She eventually sent me out of their house 
and told me never to return.
T sat down there without any objection 
and she never bothered to contact me. 
One day I decided to call and she sounded 
very unruly. 
I took part of the responsibilities of the 
antenatal till the day she delivered. 
From that day she was not picking my calls 
again. 
Though I was not in Lagos at that time. 
I couldn't even give the boy a name because 
she was not picking my calls or responding 
to me again. 
I should mention that we never set eyes on 
each other for that 9 months.  
Her folks went about embarrassing me 
everywhere I was connected to. 
My family was not so interested, nobody 
was asking me about the pregnancy or 
the woman. . 
Things went so fast like that. 
I didn't credit her bank account since delivery. 
And stopped calling her since she wasn't 
picking up. 
One year post delivery, I called her and she 
warned me sternly never to call her number 
again. 
That was after I sent some money to her. 
I never called her again and didn't even 
remember her or the baby. 
She was completely wiped away from my memory. 
Nobody in my family, including my father ever 
asked of her or the baby. 
So that was the story around T. 
When she came back to my memory during 
the course of my fasting and prayer as 
instructed by the lady evangelist, 
It felt very strange. 
Well, I told the lady evangelist the whole story. 
The lady evangelist asked if I was married 
and I affirmed it. 
She told me that was where my problem 
started from. 
I married a wrong person and it was T that 
was destined to be married to me. 
She further reprimanded me. 
On the last day of the fast, as I broke and 
laid on my bed, T's phone number came to 
me like a flash. 
I remembered the number accurately. 
This was the phone number I couldn't 
remember for over 5 years.
Mixed feelings set in. 
The lady evangelist encouraged me to make 
contact with T
At this point I was bewildered at how I could 
throw away a whole child. 
Even if I was stupid, what about my father? 
I went to ask my father but he played around 
the topic. 
So I made the contact with T. 
After several weeks of calling the number, 
she picked one day. 
Apparently, she still had my number. 
Of course, abuses and ranting, curses were 
her responses any time she picks from then. 
But after many requests, she agreed to meet 
with me. 
I apologized and we point out everyone's 
role in the whole event. 
We keep meeting and I took her to the 
evangelist in one of her vigils. 
The evangelist also went all the way to speak 
with her admonished her to let me meet my son. 
While these was going on, I was obviously
absenting myself from home and because 
my wife herself does not have the presence 
of mind in the marriage, she cared less. 
One day we had a heated argument on the 
phone and she said she wants to be alone. 
She went to stay with her sister. 
We were owing house rent at that time and 
things were difficult.
I met my son. What I thought would be 
excited to my father, I was grossly disappointed. 
T went to tell her sisters about me and 
all the revelations. 
They kicked against it and threatened never 
to let me see my son. 
At a point they took her to a pastor who told 
her, she would end up worse than what her 
mother experienced. 
Well, we kept seeing and mostly host my son 
every day after school. She defies their logic 
and one day she was thrown out of the house. 
Her younger sisters were used for the operation. 
She came returned from work and was denied 
access. 
The only condition for admittance is if she 
agrees to cut off all forms of communication 
with me. 
They had nowhere else to go, and I took them 
in. 
Few months down, she was pregnant for me 
again. 
My wife got a wind of things going on in her 
home and she came to pack her remaining 
things one early morning.  
She came with a friend and her brother-in-law. 
They met pregnant T and my son. 
The brother in law engaged me in a discussion 
and I briefly told him how I think our 
relationship deteriorated. 
She took away almost all the electronics in 
the house. 
Her people would later start sending me 
SMSes that I lied over the senior pastor. 
That if not for the pastor I would have 
destroyed the life of their daughter. 
I boycotted my father and family at large. 
I also stopped seeing the lady evangelist 
for two reasons. 

1. I was already feeling terrible about how 
the whole thing went. The insecurity and all. 
My situation wasn't improving either. 
And mostly,
2. The lady evangelist in connection with 
my uncle kept updating my dad what was 
going on in my life and what's been happening. 
I was bitter about it by the time I discovered.
I later moved out of the house and since 
been living with T. 
Things aren't better with T either. 
I became a fugitive. 
Hiding from everyone who knew me and 
my wife. 
My wife also sued me for some millions of 
naira, I can't remember how much now. 
And kept sending me curses and threat. 
I sold our car, sold all sellables. 
T became a thorn in my flesh.  
I don't have one day of peace like this. 
I can't even talk, she will shut me down. 
I can't even give an Instruction, 
she will always defy it. 
Even in this lockdown, several issues. 
She is mostly out of the house and not 
bringing in a dime. 
Leaving me to cater for the kids. 
She just acts like someone under a 
strange influence. 
We have been living together for 3 years 
now and it's been almost daily experiences 
of regret.
This is a brief of my story. 
I am totally out of sync with my life and purpose. 
Financially I am zero. 
I am owing rent again like this. 
I just feel like I am mentally redundant. 
Like a mental blockage. 
Praying becomes a routine as I am not 
seeing results. 
I have never tried another god. 
I am not an alcoholic. 
Never take alcohol or beer in my life. 
I don't know how my life turns out this way.

PS: This is the story of almost every
unbeliever
Stumbling through the dark
Trial and error 
Hit and miss
Time and chance
A brush with divinity 
A third party is the connect to God
Religion is flesh and feelings or 
senses led
God is an abstract and far away
You will wonder then how a "believer"
will also be experiencing this same
type of reality
Why is the light stumbling through the 
dark?
It is called IGNORANCE!

GSW's Note: I had a baby less than
two years ago
Nobody told her she was my child
Nobody gave her a manual or an
instruction
She knew who she was and she
started acting so accordingly
Around the same time a relative came
to live with me
I tried so hard to let him see that
he is my son
But he kept this distance from me
It wasn't of my making, he just couldn't
see Himself as I see him
That is the reality of many believers
Some of them are even Pastors and 
Prophets like in the story above
All the characters do not know their God for 
themselves
They only know about God from afar
This is made evident in the sum of their
realities
Incoherent and untidy...
Just like the reality of an unbeliever