The Iceberg

She had always kept an eye on the marital
history of her mother's family tree
It seemed to be natural for them to experience
delayed marriages
Her mother married at 35 and she was the one
who married at the youngest age when compared
to her siblings
She wanted to do better than her mother
Thirty-five was not a target she aspired to
She had classmates who married at 23
The marriage made them happier and more
stable
She desired to marry young too, get the monkey
off her back
She didn't make the decision lightly
She made it at the age of sixteen and prayed
earnestly towards it
She targetted the age of twenty-five
By then. according to her plans and projections,
 she would have completed her Master's Degree
and would be fit to support her husband as they
build their lives together
She studied hard and graduated at the age 
of twenty
She quickly put in for her Masters and was
done with it by the age of twenty-two
She landed a good job and was ready for 
marriage at the age of 23
But where were the men?
It was as if they couldn't see her
Someone told her to join a church and 
become active
One of her aunties coached her on how 
to get a good man
"The strategy of catching a good man
is to focus on the one you like and hone in on him
with guile under the canopy of the church!
Brothers want to see God in a sister, but not too
much of God that she would be a bore at home!
You have to balance it!
Sassiness and godliness
Something for the flesh and something for 
the spirit
Be very wise but shrewd!
No man likes a lady who makes him feel 
inadequate
Brothers like sisters looking up to them 
for answers, you must let him take the lead!
Brothers like a lady they felt they could 
teach and guide or coach into their own worldview 
and religious ideology!
Be malleable!
Always remember, believers have their own "ideal" 
concept of practising Christianity
When you find one whose ideology fits into yours
or whose ideology you can fit into without
any rancour, then you are set for life!"
She went for it like a mousetrap
Found a trendy church with a lot of upwardly 
mobile youth like herself
She joined the choir and settled in quickly
She focussed on the one guy she liked
He was not the most handsome or the 
most intelligent of the lot!
He was mildly tempered and easy going
He played the bass guitar and could hold a
conversation
He was also a little shy
Just her type of guy!
She honed in on him as advised
Seeking him out after service, seeking clarity
from him regarding some of the things she learnt
during service and generally making him feel
at ease around her
It was not so difficult to get him interested 
in her
And she did beat many other ladies to the punch
By the time she had spent a year in the church
She was already in a steady relationship with him
They were not talking marriage quite yet
But the "When I get married" scenarios had started
playing out
She felt he would propose at any minute
He was twenty-eight, a rising star in the public
relations industry and a fervent Christian
There was nothing else to pray for!
He was it!
But then he got a job with a multinational company
and had to relocate to Malaysia
She didn't know whether to be happy or sad
Happy for him because he broke through
Sad because he broke through before they
got married!
The job disrupted her plans in a big way!
He lost focus and started looking beyond her
She became a side attraction!
He didn't do it deliberately!
He had to travel to the embassy, submit documents
meet with friends and family members
travel a lot and somehow she was no longer
his sleeping and waking thoughts!
She felt him slipping from her grasp
She fought, tried very hard
Called him more, sent messages, voice notes
He responded but she knew he had started
looking beyond her into his future
She had suddenly become a baggage
But all these were just her feelings!
His words were always calm and assuring
but he just couldn't spare the time to be
with her as usual!
She knew he was very busy but it felt to
her as if he was just biding his time with her
While waiting to leave the country!
She felt once he left, that would be the end
of the relationship!
She really loved him and wanted to move 
into the future with him
But he was not talking about it!
She didn't want to be the one to say "What
about me?"
But he had said nothing and had grown 
distant suddenly!
She went to check him at home one Saturday
morning, a week before his departure!
She met him!
Their relationship was not "sexual"!
They have held hands and kissed and did the
affectionate stuff but she drew a line and he
respected it!
She felt that was the problem!
He owed her nothing, not even a shred of guilt!
It was so easy for him to walk away because 
they had never been intimate
She wanted to remedy that, show him she
loved him and deserved to be his life partner!
It was a desperate move!
He didn't say no!
She worked her charm and he swallowed it
They had sex all day and she felt she really
made him happy
He kept looking at her in a shiny new way
eager to touch and kiss and fondle
His attitude changed afterwards
He "owned" her and acted more like her man
It was the effect she wanted
But it was too little, too late!
He travelled a week later and what she feared
happened!
He didn't even call to say "Hi, I arrived safely"
She felt very disappointed!
Was he not supposed to be a Christian?
Was he not supposed to be faithful and 
Christlike?
She gave herself to him, what else could she 
have done?
Unfortunately, he opened the dam
The other guys she met wanted to have a sex
inclusive relationship
She couldn't hide behind her virginity
She wasn't growing any younger
The other ladies were offering sex and 
taking sex as normal in a relationship
She waited three years
The style she used in her mid-twenties couldn't
be deployed again
Most of the guys her age were in a relationship
or married
One of her colleagues in the office came knocking
They grew warm towards each other over time
He was first a colleague, then he became a friend
She kept the door open for a relationship with
one hand
They never discussed sex
If they had she wouldn't have slept with him
Sex just happened!
Of course, she could have stopped it when it
was about to happen
She was tired of being lonely!
 Even though he promised her nothing, 
his body was warm and the illusion was an 
escape from her dreary reality
She was thirty and had gotten to the "let's see
what will come out of this" mindset
The relationship was sporadic and crazy
He was a very unpredictable personality
He smoked, drank, gets into fits of temper,
had an acidic tongue and wasn't a man she 
could marry
But "half bread was better than none!"
He was someone she can talk to, worry about,
fight with, dream about, call in the middle of the
night, think of as "her man" and share intimate
moments with
It was better than hugging a pillow of hope
every night!
Their relationship ended after a year and two 
months!
He suddenly resigned
She later heard from a colleague that he 
got another job with a company in Turkey
He didn't mention it to her at all
When she confronted him, he said he had a list of
people he told intimate things about the progress
of his life and she was not in the list!
It stung her to the marrow!
One month after he left, another colleague showed
interest in her
It came out of the blue
They had been working together for five years!
He asked her to lunch one day and invited her to 
dinner
She had nothing else to do and she needed 
the distraction!
He turned out to be a warehouse of fun!
He was kind, considerate, caring, gentle and
extremely well behaved
She could see herself thriving with him from the
very first date
He was very serious-minded and had a plan!
After three months of dating, he proposed!
She eagerly said yes!
He fixed a "date" to take her home to meet his
folks
She started buzzing!
Finally, it was happening!
Ten years after her first dream was sunk
like the Titanic!
She announced the engagement to her
friends and family members
She got to the office the next day and 
noticed a strange air
Everybody was looking at her somehow
After a few minutes, she discovered the 
cause!
A strange phone number joined the 
Staff whatapp group chat of the company
via invite link, posted several nude pictures 
of her and her former boyfriend 
(The one that travelled to Turkey) and 
exited the group thereafter!
The pictures were damning!
The funny thing was, she was asleep when the
pictures were taken
Though stark naked and in pornlike poses
she was not an active participant!
She was lying on her back (Fast asleep), 
he was the one with his mouth and fingers 
all over and inside her while taking selfies!
It was as if she should just die!
She didn't know how she got home!
There was only one thought on her mind!
She had been contemplating the eventuality
for a very long time
She had even attempted to do it once
but her courage failed her at the last minute
It was why she started dating again
She wanted to interact and feel alive again
She thought perhaps it would free her of the
devilish thought and imagination
Vanity upon vanity!
She opened her kitchen drawer and to
her amazement couldn't find it
She rushed back into the sitting room
to pick her purse
She would buy another one in one of the 
shops nearby
There wouldn't be a better motivation to
end it all!
As she walked back into the sitting room,
she saw him
(They both had spare keys to each other's
apartments)
He was standing right there, right in the
middle of her sitting room holding the
insecticide
He said "Don't do it! I knew that would be 
your next move! I know you would assume
I will call the marriage off and decide to
check out!
I love you!
You will not kill yourself over this!
You will be my wife and I will be proud 
of you all the days of my life!
He walked towards her and kissed her
The tension left her immediately, she
started shaking all over!
She cried in his arms, saying over and over
again "I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry"
He just held her, not saying a word!
He just held her!

PS: They were married three months later 
(January 2018)
She resigned and got a job at another multimedia 
agency
He remained with the company
They had their first child in January 2019
This event happened in Lagos, Nigeria!

The carnal mind is full of wickedness
Don't ever forget this as you weigh
your options in a relationship
A carnal mind has no restraints
Evil and good are relative as far as
self is concerned
Beware of the carnal mind!
I know waiting seemed like a torture
We measure ourselves against others and
cry all the time that they have left 
us behind
We must find our rest in Christ
We damage too many things by struggling 
for nothing
Believers, please find your location in His plan
and rest!
I hear people say "My mates are...."
There are no "mates" in the kingdom
It is a "followership" of one!
"You follow me"

John 21: 21 When Peter saw him, he asked, 
“Lord, what about him?” 
22Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain 
until I return, what is that to you? 
You follow Me!”

As long as you keep setting mundane standards
you will always remain mundane!
Many have taken their own lives over trivial
matters because they couldn't see beyond their
noses!
What are you seeing?