The Unwanted visitor

I would wake up some mornings and I would 
feel it hovering over me. Like a thick dark
cloud, it would envelop me, clutching my 
heart and my soul.

I could not explain what it was but I would 
find myself feeling blue, I guess I could 
call it a combination of despair, hopelessness 
and worthlessness.

Depression they called it!
It become a regular visitor to my heart and 
I would open the doors wide for it to come in. 
It became so familiar that I would know the 
moment I woke up in the morning that it was 
there waiting.

I did not know how to shut the door against it. 
It came with such a force that I was often 
helpless, many times I would be in tears. 
Other times I would wish myself dead.
I would be in that state of mind for days, 
weeks and perhaps months.

How could I explain this all?
This thing that left me in a pitiable mess was 
slowly sucking the life out of me. 
I lost all sense of joy, I was bitter, angry 
and always irritable.

Nothing meant anything, the only light in my 
heart that time was when I looked at my kids 
and I would feel a flicker of hope. 
The flicker of hope sometimes wasn't even 
there and in those times I would take out 
my frustration on them.

I started drying up slowly, I became a shadow 
of myself. 
What I was feeling on the inside began to 
reflect on the outside; dark, ugly and drained.

I was often sick and always wanted to stay in bed. 
It got to a peak in 2015 and I developed high 
blood pressure and had to be on medication. 
I remember saying my last prayers so many 
nights before going to sleep. I just wanted 
to die!

I will never forget how I went for a friend's 
funeral and wished I was the one lying dead 
instead! 
I felt I had nothing to live for!

Christmas time was often miserable for me. 
I would put up a happy face but would be crying 
on the inside.

Sometime in 2017, I made a new friend who was like 
an Elizabeth to me, many times I would call her 
just to talk and cry. 
She held my hands through the haze and murky 
waters of depression.

The frequency started reducing but ever so often it 
would barge in on me and I would be in the pits again. 
God bless this woman for me! She was reliable and 
loving but even all of that couldn't rescue me 
from the pangs of this monster!.

Then I met the person of the Holy Spirit in 2020! 
He started changing me
Gradually, He started plucking out the barnacles 
in my heart.

I will never forget the day we were praying in 
our smaller PSSBC school 7 group and I started 
laughing! 
I couldn't pray any longer, I kept laughing till 
the prayers were over! 
My kids ran to call my husband to come see me on 
the floor laughing hysterically! 

A spring of joy was opened up in my heart that day, 
that spring has become a mighty waterfall. 
There is an unending flow of joy in my heart, 
my soul and in my life. It's so tangible that 
it can be felt and touched.

I find humor in almost everything! 
I literally spread joy and laughter wherever I go. 

There is a river of life that flows from the 
throne of heaven. I drink from its streams of 
rejoicing, a river that never runs dry!
Thank You Holy Spirit!

Halleluya I am free!

Ibiwari Perrin-Oglafa 2022.