Without Walls

Our marriage will be thirteen years this year, 
and we have two wonderful boys
I fell into adultery with my boss at my 
place of work, told my husband about it 
and our marriage has almost collapsed, 
but my husband has been so committed 
to his love for me and our marriage and 
that has kept us together. 
As a result of the adultery and my feelings
I no longer want to be touched by husband, 
the last time we had sex it was a horrible 
experience for me and I ran to my bathroom 
asking God to just tell him to leave me alone.
I was raised by my aunt from the time I was 
five. 
She was SU and helped me in my knowledge 
about Jesus. 
I gave my life to Christ at an early age, 
probably about 6 years of age and got 
baptized in the Holy Spirit some years later. 
I didn't note down the dates then so 
I don't have any particular date. 
Jesus became my closest friend. 
I told Him everything because I 
didn't really like to talk with my aunt, 
she had a way of making you feel 
guilty/not good enough. 
God has been good to me and I 
went through school without any 
serious hitches. 
I've always loved singing and acting 
and dancing, but somehow I was 
able to get admission to study law and 
I graduated as a lawyer at 22. 
I met my husband while I was still in 
year 5, and our story was like a 
made-in-heaven story. 
I was totally in love with my husband. 
I tested my 'love' with I Corinthians 13, 
and felt that no matter what comes 
ahead, we would be able to make it 
through. 
My husband always says it was 
because of me that he finally made 
the decision to give his life to Christ, 
even though he came from a Christian 
home and his father was a Reverend
In the midst of this, somewhere in 2015, 
he decided to resign from the chambers
he was working with and move to Abuja. 
He wanted to explore private practice 
there, and also get involved in missions. 
He told me that's what he felt God say 
to him, and asked that I pray as well. 
I prayed but I didn't hear or feel anything. 
And so he went. I
n 2016 I went outside the country for my 
further training. While I was there I met 
someone I admired a lot. 
Of course as a good Christian girl I didn't 
think of sleeping around or anything, 
but I realized I had a strong attraction to 
him, and he had the same for me, even 
though he was hard on me as a senior 
in my profession. 
It was when I came home during that 
period briefly to attend to my father's 
health that I realized I no longer had 
feelings as such for my husband. 
I began to dread him touching me 
intimately. 
For the record, I really had never had 
an orgasm while sleeping with my 
husband, and our foreplay never really 
got me lubricated well enough, so we 
always used a lubricant to help guide 
him in. 
Whenever he got to orgasm, I would take 
his lap and masturbate myself to orgasm 
and we were both fine with that. 
I never really complained about our sex 
because I didn't know better anyway, just 
what I've read in books. 
And even though I had enjoyed intimate 
touches with others before my husband, 
it was only my husband I had ever gone 
all the way with. 
He was the only one that had penetrated me.
I never ever thought of sleeping with 
someone else but by the time I came back 
from my foreign trip, when he holds me 
romantically, I would wish I was in someone 
else's arms. 
I returned back to Nigeria in January 2017 
and went back to my workplace. 
My husband would come visiting or I would 
go visiting him about once to twice every 
month. 
Then I met a young man in February 2017. 
The young man claimed he was in love 
with me. 
I just laughed and shrugged it off. 
I told my husband about the chap, and he 
began asking me to use strict measures 
to get him off my track. 
I felt my husband's demands were not 
reasonable. 
I had no time to waste on the young man. 
I was always so busy, sometimes I have 
to sleep over at work. 
I didn't think it was anything to worry 
about. 
That being said, I prayed and I was always 
careful with my chats with him, because 
I realized that when he feels I'm holding 
him off, he would refuse to come to church. 
He was one of the keyboardists and 
he was quite good. 
Well, eventually he came around to see me 
at work and was just tagging along with 
me throughout the day
I went to counsel another young lady 
who was having issues with her marriage, 
and then I went home to study a little 
before going to church, and he just 
followed me everywhere. 
I didn't think much of it. 
As we were leaving the house to go to 
church he just planted a kiss on my lips. 
I felt like dying. 
Whaaat? Someone other than my husband 
giving me a kiss on the lips. 
Aaaah!!!! 
I felt as if I had committed the worst crime. 
I could imagine newspapers roaring with 
the news, pastor's wife being kissed by 
secret lover. 
I could have entered the ground if possible. 
I ran to Abuja the following day to tell 
my husband and to ask if he could be 
coming back more frequently hoping 
that would shield me from men who 
wanted to destroy my story.
Well he chose to drop everything in 
Abuja and packed all his things back home
But that was just the beginning of trouble. 
I was still chatting with the young man. 
I was even hoping he would come to 
the house and they would settle things 
and he could help mentor the young man, 
but my husband was upset, that how 
could I keep chatting with a man who 
wanted to destroy our home. 
I had a totally different viewpoint however. 
I was seeing a young man who needed help, 
and I told him that that is what I could see. 
I felt that completely cutting off the young 
man could make him just give up on church 
altogether. 
Then my husband threatened me with divorce 
and things just spiraled downwards after that. 
My relationship with my husband wasn't 
getting any better. 
Sometimes for weeks we wouldn't have sex, 
and that was ok by me, but it was terrible 
for him. 
I told him he could have me anytime he 
wanted, but I was not participating in the 
act and he was frustrated. 
For me I just wasn't happy anymore and 
there was no way I would respond to him. 
I preferred to sleep in the sitting room 
instead of our room most times because 
of the heat, but he thought it was because 
I didn't want to sleep with him and that 
continued until I went to the UK in 2018 
In the UK there were days I was so 
overwhelmed with the sexual urge I just 
had to masturbate to get a relief. 
Then I met a young Nigerian  
student and I began to always think 
about the young man. 
I tried to keep him at arm's length, but 
eventually on the day I was to leave the UK 
I mentioned that I had seen him in my 
dreams twice. 
He then professed that he had feelings 
for me too, but since I was way his senior 
he didn't dare tell me how he felt. 
He then gave me a long satisfying hug. 
I could feel his erection, but I really 
didn't care at that time, it was as if 
I had just been liberated. 
We untangled in time so I could get to 
the airport in time. 
It felt so good to be in someone's arms 
again. 
From that day we were chatting almost 
everyday. 
And then he told me he was coming to 
Lagos for something, I should please come 
and see him. 
I couldn't tell my family I was going to 
Lagos to meet a friend, it didn't make 
any sense. 
So I decided to create an alibi that will
justify my trip to Lagos
By this time I had met someone else 
again, this time a colleague, who worked 
in Lagos. 
I organized the trip with him, and when 
I got into the guest room in Lagos, 
he was just all over me. 
I was surprised a little because he didn't 
give me a hint that he wanted me sexually. 
I struggled to get him off me but I was 
just amazed at his dexterity and how 
smoothly he was about to get into me, 
but I was able to eventually get him off me 
and he ejaculated on himself. 
I was alarmed. 
I didn't know how to handle this, but I 
just shrugged it off because I wasn't 
even interested in him at all. 
That same evening my friend arrived. 
I had thought he wasn't going to come 
anymore. 
I tried to get him a different room to 
stay in but he insisted on staying with 
me, with the submission that the 
receptionist at the front desk was 
nowhere to be found. 
I realized that this was a ploy to get me 
with him, and I didn't know what to do 
to ensure we didn't commit adultery. 
Then he said he just wanted to snuggle 
up with me, and promised he wouldn't 
do anything beyond that. 
Of course I didn't believe him, but then 
how could I really say I didn't know 
what he wanted. 
Why would he ask me to come 
from Zaria to Lagos just to say hi?
I just could not stand my ground and 
say no. 
Well, I was lucky again and didn't have 
sex with him but he cuddled and touched 
everywhere and I was just pitying myself 
and my husband. 
I couldn't imagine how I got to this stage 
of allowing another man to see my 
nakedness. 
I asked God to just kill me. 
And the plane ride back home the 
following day was really turbulent. 
I arrived safely and felt God was 
giving me another chance. 
I told the guy we couldn't continue
That I felt I was just attached to him 
because of what I had gone through 
with my husband. 
He understood perfectly and even gave 
me advice. 
I thought that was all, and I started trying 
to develop my relationship with my husband, 
but it was just terrible. 
I just never enjoyed sex with him, and it 
seemed even worse when I tried to guide 
him to how he should touch me and where. 
Only once in a while did I thoroughly 
enjoy the process, and I always got to 
orgasm by taking his laps. 
But I wasn't complaining. 
I didn't have any issues with it. 
Insofar as my husband was satisfied, 
that was fine by me. 
Then I got another job in April 2019. 
It was prayer answered
 My whole family relocated to the state
where i got the job. 
My husband also finally got a job in 
that state too in December 2019. 
When we had started out in our marriage, 
we used to talk about everything 
including our finances, but when 
communication broke down 2014-2015 
we stopped having those discussions. 
We had really drifted apart. 
I didn't really have anything to tell him 
beyond talking about the children's 
training or the random thing on the 
news, or church matters.
At my new job, I was doing well, 
trying to find my way in the ministry of
Justice, and then boom! 
My boss indicates his interest in me. 
He didn't ask me out directly 
I certainly would have turned him down. 
It was a hug first, that felt very fatherly. 
Then we traveled abroad with some 
colleagues and he told me to go shopping 
for new clothes at some specific places 
and sent me some money to do that. 
His chats on phone were becoming 
quite endearing and I was hoping it wasn't 
an affair that was brewing. 
After I returned we became quite 
close, he always wanted me around him, 
I was his deputy anyways, so there really 
wasn't anything unusual. 
But one day he caught me alone in his 
office and kissed me and pinned me 
in such a way that I couldn't get him 
off me. 
I have never been able to shout or do 
any such thing anytime I get in such 
situations with a man, I just keep 
hoping and praying that I will somehow 
get out unscathed. 
So the next thing he had gotten his finger 
into my vagina and was so delighted at 
how 'wet' I was, and he sucked his finger 
when he brought it out. 
I was aghast. 
In my mind, I told myself if this man 
thinks he can have me just like that 
he is mistaken. 
Afterward he whispered in my ear, 
that I was his. I told him impossible. 
He said let's wait and see.
Well, I prayed (I pray and read my Bible 
everyday. Talking to God is the norm 
with me, because He is the only One I 
can open up to totally.) 
And so I took this to God in prayers 
as well. 
I discussed with my music producer 
(oh, I also sing!) and he encouraged me, 
telling me I should not believe the lie of 
some enemy.
But eventually my boss got me. 
He arranged for us to travel on an official 
trip to discuss with another senior colleague 
of mine so I could have a smooth relationship 
with him in another hospital where I was to 
start working part-time. 
He told me we were going to stay in the 
same room because he wasn't going to pay 
for two rooms, so I made sure I went with 
my ATM card so I could pay for my own room. 
But somehow when we got there, he 
transferred the money to my account to pay, 
and he was with me, so I couldn't pay for 
the two rooms. 
Maybe I should have, maybe I wouldn't be 
where I am now. 
Well that night he made love to me, and 
even though I felt so disappointed in myself, 
it was the sweetest experience I ever had. 
And he was so enarmored with me. 
Early in the morning again he took me again. 
On our way back, he stopped and got another 
hotel room and took me again. 
That whole day I was in tears. 
I refused to eat. 
I fasted. 
I couldn't pray in tongues. 
I was just asking God to take me away. 
I couldn't believe that someone had slept 
with me. 
I had saved it all for my husband, I wanted 
only my husband forever, but someone else 
had taken me. 
And to make matters worse, he never used 
lubrication, he didn't have to search for 
where the vagina was like my husband would, 
he just slipped in smoothly and got me to 
orgasm on all three occasions. 
I was amazed at my body's response to him. 
After I got back to work, I called my 
producer, and told him I had been defiled, 
and I was going to talk to one of our pastors 
in Abuja. 
He advised me to tell my husband directly, 
but I remembered my experience in 2017, 
and said no. 
I would tell my pastor first, before I told him. 
And that's what I did: told my pastor, and 
with his encouragement came home and 
told my husband. 
My husband asked us to divorce, that he 
can't cope, I tried to encourage him. 
We went back to our pastor in Abuja and 
he counseled us. 
He told us that we needed to beef up 
spiritually, we needed to return to our 
first love. 
He rebuked me, and advised me to leave 
the job and my boss. He told me if I go 
back to sleep with him I will find it very 
difficult to come out. 
He counseled us to get some books on 
the sexual act to help us.
If there is one thing I want the most in 
my life, it's to please God. Rev 4:11 has 
been my motto for a long time now. 
But after all these I'm not sure anymore 
if I please God. 
I have asked for forgiveness just like 
King David, but I'm still not clear in my 
heart.
Sir,
I still don't want my husband to touch me. 
The last time we had sex, which was more 
than two weeks ago, his touch on my skin 
felt like needles. 
I hated every moment, although he got me 
to orgasm (without the laps). 
When we were through he wanted to cuddle, 
but I wasn't comfortable at all
I couldn't sleep, I started having back pain, 
I just stood up and ran to the toilet and 
started crying and begging God to tell him 
to go back to his room. 
It was at that point I felt that his life was 
in danger. 
I felt so bad for him. 
I have hurt him so badly, and I don't know 
how to make him happy again. 
I'm not able to encourage him to express 
himself sexually.
Meanwhile with my boss even though 
I have not seen him in over a month and 
I have tried not to chat with him, occasionally 
I just want to talk to him, and we've actually 
had phone sex a number of times. 
I told myself I can't allow myself to be 
dragged down to do disgusting things 
like that anymore. 
I told him some days ago that I was not 
going to chat him up for a while. 
I just needed to clear my head. 
But a friend sent me a picture of him at 
a function and I couldn't resist the urge 
of greeting him. 
We chatted briefly, and then he said 
I miss you. 
I refused to answer, and deleted it quickly. 
But this incidence reminds me I still have 
feelings for him.
From my study, this falling in love thing 
usually fades away in about 18months to 
two years. 
My problem is, how am I sure that I won't 
fall into another trap again if I am not able 
to sort out this thing with my husband now? 
I really don't want to ever get back into this 
situation. 
I must confess though that if God gave me 
a choice between my husband and my boss, 
I would blindly follow my boss. 
But I know it is not right, and I'm choosing 
to do what is right, even though it is difficult.
I have been praying and hoping things
will change

What else do I do?

PS: Whoever has no rule over his own spirit 
Is like a city broken down, without walls.
Proverbs 25:28
Watch what you think about
Watch what you find fault in
Guard your heart with all diligence
There is so much to say
But my ink has become invisible
If you can read what I have not
written here
You are learning from James 3:2
With your thoughts and imagination
you can break the hedge or the
walls of your protection and
expose yourself to all manner of
realities simply because of your
feelings

Learn!