Letters From Ghana I

Dear Husband,

I had to go check the meaning of Marriage before writing this, because out of confusion and deep conflict, ours has lost its meaning to me.

What is Marriage?

The legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship (historically and in some jurisdictions specifically a union between a man and a woman).

Before a relationship can happen, there must be friendship. What is friendship?

Friendship for most people is a combination of affection, loyalty, love, respect, and trust. ... True friendship is when someone knows you better than yourself and takes a position in your best interests in a crisis. Friendship goes beyond just sharing time together, and it is long lasting.

I searched frantically for the friendship here, and found none. I asked where my fault was and concluded; Jealousy. At least that's what you would say.

But jealousy would be a waste of time on someone who relentlessly and creatively tells you you are not needed. So I am trying not to waste my energies on that anymore.

And then I asked myself, where is your effort? And I recalled countless effort that I have made that have been rejected outright.

For good reason, I want to make specific reference to an old one; how early in our marriage, I always requested that we hold hands and pray together; but it was never your thing. My friend Mariah called me to share a testimony early this week. I was privy to the matter God gave her victory on. We had discussed it before. When she called two weeks after, She said she and her husband took it to the Lord in fervent prayers. It's not the testimony that is my reference here, it's the fact that; She and Her Husband Prayed. And I had witnessed it the first time I stayed with her in Abuja. My! I liked that. I wish I had that in my own marriage. I am the one married to a Pastor! What a Contradiction!

Here's just one example of the Contradiction in your ville. I talked about my frustrations at work just days ago, and you silence me with your impatience. Okay let's say that's my own problem, an idea birthed to help your work is "pipedream Jakujaku''

What was my suggestion? I said now that you have a thriving ministry, you should come up with a means of securing their financial commitment by establishing partnerships of different categories and establishing the collection of tithes so that you have financial security.

The people are there today but they may be gone tomorrow.

You called it a "Useless Pipedream"

They say communication of issues is extremely important in every marriage. But it's absent in my marriage. I asked myself, where is your effort? I recall how I have talked myself coarse about so many wrong things but I was mostly ignored and invalidated.

What about Romance? I recall only too recently when I wrote you from Dubai; what was your response? Classic indifference! You can check it out yourself.

Oh before that, when our last born was born, I remember writing you entreaties on WhatsApp, what was your response; something to do with the words not being real.

Affection; my efforts have been met with rejection after rejection after rejection. Until my recent efforts have reached a conclusion that there is nothing in your heart for me, at least not anymore. I felt nothing flowing from your end the last time I hugged you which, was not too long ago.

And sometime before that, I recall attempting to sit on your lap in our room, recall what your reaction was?

You pushed me away.

And to think, you would teach about how wives have lost their allure.

How their Husbands would respond to it if they practiced it.

You who doesn't kiss your own wife, and can't stand her sitting on your lap.

What are you teaching? What do you anchor your double standard teaching on women taking responsibility for the sustenance of romance in their marriages on?

Do you ever pause to think and compare your teachings on marriage with what you actually do?

Please, next time you teach, tell the truth. Tell your congregation you don't like kissing, and your wife is disillusioned about that.

Tell them you have never complimented her on her looks since day 1 of your marriage, and she still wonders why. Tell them you don't share her burdens, don't have time to listen to whatever she is going through, yet you daily carry the burdens of outsiders every day. Remember to add the reason, they pay tithe, and she doesn't.

Remember to tell them that you don't have time for affection, and to that she wonders why both of you ever got married in the first place.

Remember to tell them that the only quality time that means anything to you is the one you spend with your Ministry.

You look forward to going on retreats with your members, but you don't care about my roster at work. (Yes, you told me that much recently, when I was asking your opinion on whether to help someone out at work).

I am writing you this because I want you to take responsibility for whatever happens to this marriage. Remember you have told me to take my problems outside, more than once now.  

PS: This is the first of three letters. This one is from the wife, and in it she tabled all the things she felt were wrong with the marriage.

I believe we all can learn a thing or two by reading it, especially if you are a man who is rather unromantic in your disposition and you happen to have a wife who seriously craves attention.

We will be in Lagos on Saturday!

Please mark your calendars

If you are trusting God for the fruit of the womb, I am now confidently asking you to please be at this meeting.

The Lord has given me instructions for you in this season, and your joy will be full.

-GSW-