The Maze

The course of my life was changed by many factors outside of my control

At first, I blamed myself and was almost crushed by the burden of guilt

I remember always telling myself I was a slut, I was up to no good, I was a lowlife

Those days were the worst

The days of self-condemnation and self-loathing

I would wake up in the morning, dress very well, feel very confident and leave the house

By the time I got to the middle of the road this thought would suddenly take a hold of me

God hates you!

God wants nothing to do with your likes

You better don’t deceive yourself

You better get back to your old ways

You better embrace your destiny

You are a sex object!

You cannot fight your nature

Don’t deceive yourself!

It got so bad that whenever I was faced with any form of disappointment, it was only sex that could console me

For me sex was not an intimate thing between a man and a woman

It was like medicine, like therapy, like a consolation prize

It didn’t matter who I sleep with

I had slept with three guys who were all roommates when I was in the university

I had slept with two brothers (Several times at the same time)

I am not writing this to incite devilish imaginations in the heart of people

I write this reality as my own

When I was six years old

A teacher in my school raped me

It started with him paying special attention to me because I was not doing too well academically

My ignorant mother assumed you ought to be a rocket scientist at the age of six

She practically harassed the teacher after I came 21^st in a class of 33 to take special interest in me

I didn’t know what the teacher heard

What I know was he would carry me on his laps and rub his hands all over my body

Eventually he started puting my hand all over his ‘thing’

He would say, “Learn how to hold it, hold it upright and rub it”

I eventually got used to it

The teacher insisted I must have after school lessons

My mother agreed!

After most of the pupils had left school to be kids

I was left in school to be at the mercy of this predator

One day he defiled me

I was six years and five months old

I told my mother what had happened

Though he said I shouldn’t say anything

It was quite obvious something was wrong with me by the time I got home

My mother went to the police station

The teacher was arrested

I became the talk of the whole neighbourhood

I spent three weeks in the hospital

It wasn’t my fault

But being a victim is almost like being a criminal

You have shame, reproach, sorrow, that ‘look” from people

They call it being stigmatized!

It was a horrible thing!

My mother didn’t help matters

She kept talking about it, acting as if she was the one who was defiled

Even those who hadn’t seen me in a long time got to know

Nobody could see me and regard me as a young innocent girl

I was a victim

It changed the way I saw myself

It changed everything

As I grew I lost my self esteem as a young woman

The irony was, I kept looking for it!

I kept thinking my redemption lied in the embrace of a lover

If one man can look at me the right way

I felt I would be free

That was my journey into “sluttiness”

I slept with everyone who was willing to have sex with me

It doesn’t take much to get into my pants

My mind had somehow been programmed to see sex as something to give guys in order to be accepted as a part of their pack or social circle

I don’t know how I didn’t get HiV

I had Gonorrhea about three times before I turned 25

Funny enough, I was not a dullard as my mother anticipated I would be

The only downside to my academic success was sex

When I was an undergraduate, if I fail a course

My mind automatically probes the last time I had sex!

I would think audibly!

‘You failed this course because you haven’t had sex in a week!

Or I would say “If I had sex a day before that sex, I would have passed it”

Ironically, it worked for me

I don’t know why but I made sure I had sex before most of my tests and examinations

I usually passed with flying colours!

Perhaps it was a trick of the mind, perhaps it was demonic

Sleeping around worked for me!

When I was in my final year, I stumbled upon Jesus

My family was not so religious

My mother had three children and I was the last child

My father died when I was 5

We grew up in a religious community (not Christian)

I wore the official “hoodie” women were mandated to wear in my religion

Religious garb is not a deterrent for immorality

I think that was very obvious

Priests, pastors, bishops, and other religious leaders over the years have made this obvious!

The people I slept with were all from my religious sect

It was a ‘ do it but don’t talk about it thing” for me as well as the guys/men I slept with

I got pregnant three times and had the pregnancies terminated

I had serious complications with the third abortion

I was rushed to the hospital when things got out of hand

I had thought I would either die or lose my womb but these set of Christians came to visit a member of their church who was ill and they prayed with everybody in the ward

I didn’t know what happened that day!

My mother must have gone home to prepare food for me

I was alone!

I had always had this belief that Christians hated us as much as we hated them

But one of the Christian brothers approached my bed with deep concern in his eyes

He didn’t speak with me officially like someone who wanted to pray with me and be gone

He cared! He really cared!

He asked if he could pray with me

I liked his aura and I wanted him to spend a little more time with me

I said yes!

He held my hand!

Wow!

In all my 25 years on earth before then, guys who held my hand simply wanted to sleep with me

My hand was always my cue, a guy can woo me all he wanted but if he held my hand I would most likely follow him anywhere and sleep with him!

He closed his eyes and prayed for me

When he finished praying, I started crying

Something I had been looking for since I was 6 years, five months old came to me on my bed of abortion

A handsome man looked at me without judgement

A young man looked at me and I didn’t feel like a victim

A fine boy looked at me and saw me as a human being, an equal

Of course, he didn’t know why I was crying

Perhaps he assumed Jesus touched me or something

He asked me if I would like to become born again

I said yes

He wanted to pray with me

I asked him to hold my hand again

I wanted to be sure what I saw and felt were real

He held my hands and led me to Christ!

I became born again that day!

As soon as I was discharged from the hospital and went back to school

I joined a Christian fellowship

It was like having a fresh start

I got filled with the Holy Spirit and I started speaking in tongues

I was a new creation, old things had passed away, all things had become new

Wow!

But old habits die hard

I didn’t know how it happened

One day I found myself sleeping with a Christian brother

Then another and another and another

Was I not born again?

I told myself I was backsliding, I had denied the faith, I was going to hell

Although I didn’t plan to sleep with these brothers and they didn’t hold my hand forcefully like the men in my previous religious setting did

I realized I have an innate ability to spot Christians who are not so strong like myself

Brothers struggling with masturbation, pornography and other sexual addictions

I get drawn to them and then I sleep with them for a while before dumping them

It was never a scandal and nobody raised an eyebrow

I daresay nobody got hurt in those encounters more than me

I love the Lord, I know I have been forgiven and yet I was bent on destroying my own life!

At 29, I met a very good Christian brother

He wanted to marry me

I loved him dearly

But I was scared!

He might be my only chance at having a decent life

But I had too much garbage to deal with

I told him the whole truth about myself

He smiled and told me to meet a friend of his for help

One Saturday morning, we went to the house of the brother in Jeans and T-Shirt

He listened to my heart cry

I thought he would lay hands on me and cast out demons

I wanted a powerful encounter that would make me a saint right there and then

He told me a secret!

Do you have a relationship with the Holy Spirit?

‘I used to” I replied

“That is the problem” he said

“I had a strong relationship with the Holy Spirit before I started misbehaving with the brothers” I explained

You had zeal but you lacked the leading of the Word and Purpose

“From today read you Bible every day, in fact purpose in your heart to read Genesis to Revelation in six months and find the time to do it, pray in the Holy Ghost regardless of your circumstances. When you do well pray and when you are not doing well please keep praying! Don’t let your fellowship with the Holy Spirit be dictated by your feelings and emotions! Keep your fellowship above that constantly changing wind! Let it be constant and consistent! Keep your relationship with the Holy Spirit independent of circumstances!!!

What did I say?

“Constant and Consistent” I repeated

“Independent of what -?”

“Independent of my emotions and circumstances” I replied

The new creation was not designed to fight sin by power or by might!

The new creation conquer sin by the Spirit!

Go and conquer sin forever!

He prayed with me afterwards

He held my head with both hands and commanded the fire and fullness of the Holy Spirit to stir in my body

I felt light all over my body afterwards

When I got back home, I told my suitor to give me six months to fight my demons

I got into the word and the spirit as recommended

When I got to Ezekiel 47 in the Bible, I had an encounter with the Holy Spirit!

It encouraged me to read on

I finished the Bible from Genesis to Revelation in six months and started reading all over again

My body began to respond to the word

Whenever I was feeling horny and desperate

I would say, “My body respond to the power of the Holy Spirit within you and be still”

And I would have peace

I slipped twice but on both occasions the dread of the Lord sent me running, in one instance I was almost half naked when I pushed the guy away and picked race

After the two experiences I realized I had gained mastery over my own body as the holy spirit had gained transcendence over my life

I married my suitor two years later

I was 33 and he was 35 at the time

We have two children!

PS: This story was my favourite story of redemption for over three years, I almost didn’t want to share it!

The couple are very good friends of mine and I love them dearly

While having a discussion with the lady yesterday, she encouraged me to share her story

Perhaps it would help somebody struggling with sexual immorality, pornographic addiction, masturbation, ungodly or sinful thoughts, unforgiveness, malice, anger, hatred, covetousness, envy, addiction and other emotional issues

If you have to read this story ten times, please do so

Let it sink into your spirit

The solution to such issues lie in the washing of the word and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit

If you are determined to put in the time and the effort, the Holy Spirit will stop at nothing until your destiny is fulfilled

Commit yourself to the word and the Spirit and watch your life transform forever