The Tears of Anansewa

My ex-husband and I got married in 2021

However, since our wedding day till today, the union between us has not been consummated/we have not been able to have sexual relations due to his inability to have an erection, i.e., erectile dysfunction sufficient enough for meaningful sexual intercourse.

In July 2021, he mentioned that he had a history of high cholesterol, which he had treated with an improved diet, and I encouraged him to keep at it as we moved along. 

That same month, he said he rarely ejaculates, and I asked him if he wanted to see a doctor to get checked out so the issue could be resolved. 

Without an ejaculation, conception cannot take place, and I implored him to let us deal with all issues at that time. 

He replied that it is when he uses a condom that he doesn't ejaculate. 

On our wedding night, his manhood was flaccid; he couldn't get it up, and he was broken. 

I encouraged him and initially thought it was stress. 

Days rolled into weeks and weeks into months - nothing happened. 

Then he started a narrative of "I don't get an erection when I'm with you, but I get an erection when I am with other women. My body doesn't move when I'm around you, but it moves when I am with other women." 

One day, he actually said, "Only God knows what they (Insinuating my parents or whatever other entity) had done to your body or put in your body before I met you, which makes it difficult for me to get an erection with you."

It was plain gaslighting! 

I was sad and depressed, and I started looking for a way out of this predicament. I kept all this to myself; I did not inform my parents as I thought I could work through the phase with my supposed husband without exposing our dirty linens to any third party.

I reached out to a nutritionist and paid the first consultation fee to work with him on his diet. 

 As of September 2023, he was still in touch with the Nutritionist to find out how he could reduce his cholesterol levels - naturally.

My insistence on knowing his cholesterol levels led to his decision to vacate the house. What is the big deal about these cholesterol levels? Why is he keeping it in secret? His sister, who is in the medical field, made attempts to discuss this with him, and he was unwilling to share. In her words, 'she could only go as far as he was willing to share considering that he is a man.'

Using my stewardship of influence, I also engaged a consultant urologist

The doctor placed him on Tadalafil tablets, which he refused to buy/use. The doctor also pointed out that there could be a psychogenic element to this issue, which made me reach out to therapists. 

I engaged two therapists.

At every critical junction, I always proposed intervention and went ahead to book/make the first payment. 

This was a discussion that he was not willing to have, and he would be asking to be left alone.

It is a situation that he always wished away and is fine with not talking about. 

Because of that, he comes home late, avoids me in the house, and comes to the bedroom at midnight when I am fast asleep - to avoid intimacy. I went through emotional trauma, deceit, hell, wickedness, and cruelty with this man.

During the interaction with the therapist, significant progress was made as the truth began to unfold. 

My husband, in his one-on-one session, informed the therapist that he had sex in February and April 2022 but that he did not ejaculate. 

During our joint interaction with the therapist, I challenged him to provide/produce the ladies that he had sex with for confirmation and that I was ready to leave him quietly if this fact could be established. He refused vehemently and then got upset. Because I was convinced he was lying and only covering up due to shame, stigma, and ego, as suggested by the therapist, I proposed that a neutral lady should be arranged, and he should be asked to have sex with the person- I even offered to sign a Consent Form in that regard - he refused this position claiming it will be like opening Pandora's box and I should be ready for the outcome of that suggestion - I told him that there won't be any outcome since he already said he had sex outside, and that the therapist was only offering him another lady for enjoyment.

That was when he became uneasy, and his attitude changed going forward because he could not back up his claims.

His preference was for me to keep quiet, rob his head as he watched Liverpool beat all the Premier League Clubs, and sit down with him in the House without any sexual relations!- How is that possible? How is it sustainable? Two years! 

I could no longer cope as family and friends started asking me questions about pregnancy - no thanks to the society where we live and considering that we were now two years into the marriage - all attempts to have meaningful discussions on the way forward always hit a brick wall. In our society, the burden of fertility/conception is placed heavily on a woman!

I also proposed that we try IUI/IVF. We could not proceed because he claimed that he didn't have money. 

I know this is not true, but because “there is more to this than meets the eye—this man was/is comfortable with his predicament for reasons best known to him and his kindred. 

While he was able to produce sperm for assessment, the report shows that he had difficulty producing it, and it took him hours. His ability to produce sperm (sterility) is of no use, considering his inability to have sexual relations for 2 years and several months. 

Due to the frustration, our communication/relationship broke down because I felt undesirable as a woman, then I asked him when he came back from his US trip why he was blending vegetables/herbs to drink at night. 

What exactly were his cholesterol levels - he was enraged, and we had a shouting order that night where I expressed my frustration. 

It is worth mentioning that a man who claimed that he is whole takes all sorts of herbs and drugs (both traditional and orthodox) that had to do with erectile dysfunction treatment.

The question is, if you can perform as a man, why do you need these drugs?

Why do you need pistachio nuts, which are known to reduce cholesterol levels? 

The summary of our visit to the therapist was that my husband was lying and that he needed to confess in order for us to move forward and proceed with a therapy plan that would work for both of us.

Fast forward to November 2023, he commenced gradual removal of his clothes from the house and on the morning of November 6, 2023, he moved out of the house. 

While he was out and efforts ongoing to get us reconciled, his friend reached out to me and informed me that he had something to tell me - he mentioned that my husband had this erectile dysfunction issue while dating one lady years ago - a situation that persisted for months and which later got better.

I felt relieved on that day knowing that this issue began before me and it was only manifesting at an advanced level. I felt relieved because I was able to dispel the bad narrative/tag which is not mine.  

I reached out to the said lady

She graciously answered my call and confirmed this information to be true

 My husband was again upset that his friend divulged this important secret to me and felt that his friend talked too much – just imagine such wickedness and cruelty. 

In another conversation with the said lady, she also alluded to the fact that my husband's mummy was in the picture of his age-long problem. I was the only one in the dark. Such a cruel family.  

My husband created a fake email and sent some mail to himself. The message mentioned his ex-girlfriend. When I inquired from the lady, she denied it. 

My husband came to the house on Thursday, December 17, 2023, to pick up some of his household items (Inverter, 2 Mattresses, Standing Fans, and Stereo Deck), including an LG 65-inch TV that was bought with the money given to us as a wedding gift. He, however, refused to renew the rent from 1 January 2024 and only informed the landlady—I had to renew the rent myself and move on with my life.

I always went all out to celebrate and honour this man. When he clocked 40, I celebrated him to the high heavens. If I had known he was a wicked soul, I wouldn't have celebrated him in any way. 

I initiated and paid for our vacation to Zanzibar in September 2022. I also contributed to his building project.

He has an issue that he and his kindred know about. They should be allowed to solve their problems/live with them. 

I should be excused from their misfortune and cruelty.  There is wickedness, and then there is cruelty- his behaviour and that of his kindred show nothing but cruelty.  Specifically, his mother is a principal actress in his misfortune and her refusal to engage/broker discussion on his inadequacy/profer solution.

At this juncture, the only logical thing to do is to seek an annulment of this marriage for the refusal/inability to consummate the marriage and have sexual relations. 

PS: If you know you have any issue that can affect your marital relationship, please fix it before you think of getting married

It doesn't matter whether you are male or female. 

If you have a cyst, fibroid, hormonal imbalance, a damaged womb or no womb at all, erectile dysfunction, unbearable body odour, Chronic OCD, emotional damage or trauma, deep-seated jealousy issue and insecurity, anger and detachment issues, and so on

Please get help!

After you have surmounted it, you can get married

If you didn't surmount it, remain single.

Marriage is not meant to please your family and fit into some societal mould.

Marriage is meant to be enjoyed.

Please fix yourself first so that you don't drag another person into your cesspool.

-GSW-